As part of my New Year's To Be Abandoned At The Earliest Forgivable Moment Resolutions, I have added Yoga to my Almost Daily Stay Fit But Don't Hurt Your Back Workout. Yoga, as some of you may know, is a Hindii word meaning, "You want me to bend how? Are you freaking kidding?" practiced mostly in the Western Hemisphere by women who are naturally more limber than men as, unlike men, they didn't take the phrase "stiff upper lip" and apply it to their whole bodies. I was directed to this ancient practice, which by the way, is forbidden by the Geneva Convention to be used as a method of interrogation, by the Wii Fit program on my Nintendo device. The full name of the company manufacturing the device, also by the way, is Nintendo To Hurt You And Make Money While Doing It. They only use their name's first part for obvious reasons.
The initial technique I had to learn in order to yoga-ize my reluctant body was how to breathe. Foolish me thought the in and out with the air part was the whole trick. Well Wroongo Downward Dog Breath! I had to focus on this and relax that other thing and inhale through my nose and exhale out my a...other nose. I'm still working to get it right.
Next I was introduced to the Half Moon pose. They are called poses these Yoga positions because you have to stay frozen in place a long time for the "pose" to do you any good...or so I am told my my Nintendo virtual female instructor who is a Japanese program designer's idea of a Caucasian hottie. I was already aware of the Full Moon version having almost utilized it on an occasion when I was a teenager and was stopped only by the lack of the necessary quantity of alcohol needed to inspire the pose. I suspected a Half Moon pose would entail something along the lines of that displayed by the backside of hunched over repairmen. What it is in actuality is a reach for the sky and then turn yourself into a comma sideways kind of pose. After a month of practice I have achieved a slightly bent exclamation mark that looks sort of like when you tilt your head while you are thinking, "Huh?" My virtual instructor nevertheless says, "You have excellent flexibility." I wonder what she is really virtually thinking.
The next pose I, um, mastered was the Warrior Pose. The reason you don't hear about Yoga Martial Artists is because Yoga warriors stand in a manner guaranteed to get their asses kicked. They have their arms stretched taut horizontal to the ground, one forward, one back and their legs apart, also one forward, one back, aligned with their arms. The front leg is bent-kneed, the back leg straight. I did this pose on the lawn one day and a Panamanian woman hung her wet laundry on me to dry. I'm sure this pose does me some physical good, but if someday I am forced into combat, I am equally sure that I will fall back on my own tried and true martial arts technique that my personal Sensei taught me after seeing me fight. It's called "Run."
Two other poses I have, ahem, mastered are called Tree and Something To Do With Standing On One leg and Holding Your Other Knee. I quickly added these poses to my repertoire by using a cryptic and little known Yoga technique called "Cheating." What I do is I hold on to something to keep from falling.
Lastly, (So far. I plan to add more poses, because what could be more fun than increased physical pain?) I do a "Sun Salutation." Although, previously, I've always felt a "Hello Sun" was sufficient to greet the big yellow fellow, I now raise my hands over my head and bend back into a position the human body was not - obvious to me - meant to go. Following this exquisite displacia, I then exhale, bend forward and touch my toes. Yes I do, I touch my toes. You don't believe me, come on over and I'll show you as long as you promise not to freak out at my screams to call 911. While still toe touching, I then bend my knees, put my hands back above my head and return to the starting position. Just to be sure the Sun knows I'm saluting it, I do this three times in succession. Also, so far, the response from the big fiery orb has been the same as when i just said hello. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
Why do I sense that when my chiropractor reads this he will be grinning from ear to ear?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Hole-In-One
There is no better feeling than the one that arises after scoring a hole-in-one. There are moments of exhilarating happiness that occur along life's path, but nothing to compare with scoring a hole-in-one. I have caught and intercepted passes for touchdowns. I have hit game winning jump shots and doubled in game winning runs. I have defeated bullies in combat and I have run the good race in all my athletic endeavors, but nothing compares with scoring a hole-in-one. Beyond the field of sports I have sky dived and parachuted from an airplane. I have driven motorcycles and cars at reckless speeds and I have hurdled fences on horseback. I have slept with both virgins and the wildly experienced and I have consumed mind altering drugs. I have known moments of sheer bodily boggling joy as when the woman I loved said yes to my proposal and when my children were born, but nothing, absolutely NOTHING, compares with the feeling you get when you score a hole-in-one. Or, at least, that's what I'm told. I can't say for certain, I've never actually had one.
Monday, January 23, 2012
It's all about me. WTF, it's MY blog.
Stream of Conscience-less would be a great title for several of this year's Republican presidential wannabe's autobiographies. Hey, just sayin'.
Stream of consciousness is what I would call what I am about to write if, in fact, it was delivered as a nice steady thought flow and I could, additionally, lay claim to full consciousness, two occurrences seriously unlikely to happen. I will persist and persevere, nevertheless, because following the completion of this blog, I have a rigorous physical workout planned and that needs to be delayed for as long as MY conscience will allow. That said, I now await the "stream" to begin.
I'm still waiting.
Here's my "Inconvenient Truth": My best ideas occur at inopportune moments. Moments when I am unable or unwilling to write them down. Allow me to explain. Unable means in the shower, driving, or restraining my dogs on a walk. Unwilling means I'm half asleep and prefer to chase the other half to becoming fully awake and having to start the fall asleep process anew. Well, either that or I am in coitus and the best idea there is to not stop to take notes. I am also plagued by occasionally having a complex idea that has to be followed to its conclusion. An interruption to that thought changes it or chases it away. The problem that then ensues is that when I try to recapture my idea in all its complexities later, it as, as they say, a no hope-er. This state of affairs I like to blame on age but, in truth, it has been ever thus.
All the above is an explanation for why you are not getting my best ideas, but merely my second and third best. The difference between my best and second best is the difference between Nobel Prizes and "We are unable to publish your manuscript at this time because, frankly Sir, it sucks." Or, at least, I like to think so. Self delusion is, after all, what gets me through the day. The shunned reality is, I am still aspiring to "it sucks."
Here is an idea that is just short of Nobel worthy if by "just short" I mean it has about the same chance as I have of snaring gold in this year's Olympic Decathalon. It's but a smidgeon out of reach. I've been thinking about reinventing the original me. Some of you reading this may remember that I was once a very social person; a little shy, but still...social. The move to rural Colorado some years ago began the transformation of my own self to a somewhat, but not entirely, quieter more withdrawn type. I wasn't "out there" much because there wasn't much "out there" to be had in that environment. When Woowoo Charly and I moved to Panama, the transformation was completed and I became fully reinvented as a stay at home, read, write and think (if you can call it that) person, a calmer inside, less manic variety. Enneagrammers would say I now inhabit my Five "higher mind" space. Lately, though, I have been feeling restless. Maybe because it is sort of Spring here in Panama and Spring is a time of renewal or maybe I just want to see if what I think is possible, IS possible. I have been obsessed, as my last two stories, Miss Polanski and the other one,(I've forgotten the title. Neither story was memorable) indicate, with the concept of opposites attracting. Certainly my introverted wife was drawn initially to my more extroverted self and vice versa. We were dependent upon each other for the longest time to supply qualities the other lacked. I provided energy, she stillness, and it's been a wonderful merger throughout the years. Lately though, as I've noted while the Nobel Committee anxiously awaits, I contemplate returning to some kind of older replica of my original self.
So far, though, in case you are wondering and why wouldn't you be at such a fascinating inner dialogue that ranks up there with whatever is going through The Thinker's mind while he sits and, you know, thinks, I have not gotten past the contemplation stage. Maybe, just maybe, I am simply entering one of those "Seasons of Life" one hears so often about. Or is it? I guess we shall see. Or I will anyway.
Author's note: I warned you in the title it was all about me!
Stream of consciousness is what I would call what I am about to write if, in fact, it was delivered as a nice steady thought flow and I could, additionally, lay claim to full consciousness, two occurrences seriously unlikely to happen. I will persist and persevere, nevertheless, because following the completion of this blog, I have a rigorous physical workout planned and that needs to be delayed for as long as MY conscience will allow. That said, I now await the "stream" to begin.
I'm still waiting.
Here's my "Inconvenient Truth": My best ideas occur at inopportune moments. Moments when I am unable or unwilling to write them down. Allow me to explain. Unable means in the shower, driving, or restraining my dogs on a walk. Unwilling means I'm half asleep and prefer to chase the other half to becoming fully awake and having to start the fall asleep process anew. Well, either that or I am in coitus and the best idea there is to not stop to take notes. I am also plagued by occasionally having a complex idea that has to be followed to its conclusion. An interruption to that thought changes it or chases it away. The problem that then ensues is that when I try to recapture my idea in all its complexities later, it as, as they say, a no hope-er. This state of affairs I like to blame on age but, in truth, it has been ever thus.
All the above is an explanation for why you are not getting my best ideas, but merely my second and third best. The difference between my best and second best is the difference between Nobel Prizes and "We are unable to publish your manuscript at this time because, frankly Sir, it sucks." Or, at least, I like to think so. Self delusion is, after all, what gets me through the day. The shunned reality is, I am still aspiring to "it sucks."
Here is an idea that is just short of Nobel worthy if by "just short" I mean it has about the same chance as I have of snaring gold in this year's Olympic Decathalon. It's but a smidgeon out of reach. I've been thinking about reinventing the original me. Some of you reading this may remember that I was once a very social person; a little shy, but still...social. The move to rural Colorado some years ago began the transformation of my own self to a somewhat, but not entirely, quieter more withdrawn type. I wasn't "out there" much because there wasn't much "out there" to be had in that environment. When Woowoo Charly and I moved to Panama, the transformation was completed and I became fully reinvented as a stay at home, read, write and think (if you can call it that) person, a calmer inside, less manic variety. Enneagrammers would say I now inhabit my Five "higher mind" space. Lately, though, I have been feeling restless. Maybe because it is sort of Spring here in Panama and Spring is a time of renewal or maybe I just want to see if what I think is possible, IS possible. I have been obsessed, as my last two stories, Miss Polanski and the other one,(I've forgotten the title. Neither story was memorable) indicate, with the concept of opposites attracting. Certainly my introverted wife was drawn initially to my more extroverted self and vice versa. We were dependent upon each other for the longest time to supply qualities the other lacked. I provided energy, she stillness, and it's been a wonderful merger throughout the years. Lately though, as I've noted while the Nobel Committee anxiously awaits, I contemplate returning to some kind of older replica of my original self.
So far, though, in case you are wondering and why wouldn't you be at such a fascinating inner dialogue that ranks up there with whatever is going through The Thinker's mind while he sits and, you know, thinks, I have not gotten past the contemplation stage. Maybe, just maybe, I am simply entering one of those "Seasons of Life" one hears so often about. Or is it? I guess we shall see. Or I will anyway.
Author's note: I warned you in the title it was all about me!
Thursday, January 05, 2012
2011 Book List
2011 BOOK LIST
1. Angel of Darkness Caleb Carr Terrific thriller set at the turn of the century. (19th to 20th) Cast of characters carried over from “The Alienist” meets evil villainess.
2. The Code of the Woosters P.G. Wodehouse. Good as it gets. Bertie, gets hopelessly entangled with lovers, silver cow creamers, cranky judges and more. Jeeves to the rescue.
3. Lord of Misrule Jaimy Gordon National Book Award Winner about the underbelly of horse racing. Spectacularly well written, fabulous characters.
4. Summer Lightning P.G. Wodehouse I want to live in P.G.’s imagination, a place of gentlemen and ladies where everything turns out well in the end.
5. Just Kids Patti Smith Beautifully written summation of the authors entwined life with the artist Robert Mapplethorpe.
6. The Turn of the Screw Henry James Well crafted, many layered ghost story. A little slow moving for my tastes.
7. Ring For Jeeves P.G. Wodehouse One of my favorite books. Also published as The Return of Jeeves. This was the third time I’ve read it.
8. The Confession John Grisham Anti capital punishment treatise rendered as a thriller. Well done.
9. Help the Poor Struggler Martha Grimes Fast paced mystery. Nothing special, but, nevertheless, entertaining.
10. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter Seth Grahame-Smith Good idea. Strong start, excellent ending, tedious middle.
11. Sally Gives a Party P.G. Wodehouse An engaging heroine, a gentle love story. I liked it.
12. The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest Steig Larson Nice Wrap-up of the Lizbeth Salander trilogy. Sorry these books are over and sorry Steig is gone.
13. The Clicking of Cuthbert P.G. Wodhouse Ten great humorous golf stories. Several out loud laughs included.
14. The Coming of Bill P.G. Wodehouse Marriage goes awry over how to raise baby Bill and a sudden influx of riches. All’s well at the end.
15. The Power and the Glory Graham Greene Beautifully written, but otherwise not my cup of tea.
16. Sock Penn Gillette This is a find. A small treasure. Clever. Original. Imaginative. Penn is at least as fine a writer as he is a comedic magician. (Penn and Teller)
17. Hooking Up Tom Wolfe Essays mostly on the state of this and that in the year 2000. Some fascinating, some skimmed.
18. The Informationist Taylor Stevens Big disappointment. More talk than action is not the right formula for an as advertized “thriller.”
19. Damsel in Distress P.G. Wodehouse. Entertaining romp when theatrical music composer saves upper crust woman from a horrible fate…marrying the wrong man.
20. The Pump House Gang Tom Wolfe Interesting, but dated articles from Tom’s time as a magazine writer.
21. Bossy Pants Tina Fey Nothing to shout about. Funny here and there.
22. El Vencedor Esta solo Paulo Coelho (Read in Spanish) Murder and mayhem at the Cannes Film Festival. Does not end well for the good guys.
23. The Mating Season P.G. Wodehouse Bertie and Jeeves come to the rescue of several friends whose love lives have gone astray. Lots of funny stuff along the way.
24. The Help Kathryn Stockett Well done tale of early 1960s Mississippi, told through the eyes of two black maids and an aspiring writer, a young white woman.
25. The Glorious Cause Jeff Shaara Fabulous depiction of how the Revolutionary War was fought and won. Shaara brings all the players to life.
26. War of the Worldviews Deepak Chopra and Leonard Mlodinov Science vs. Spirituality. Seekers of wisdom and truth will find some of each within these pages.
27. Mister Slaughter Robert McCammon Detective series set in colonial times. Well written but didn’t grab me.
28. Let the Great World Spin Colum McCann A spectacular novel. Never a false note struck.
29. Quiet (The Power of Introverts in a world that can’t stop talking.) Susan Cain All about the “quiet” types and how they contribute. Turns out I’m one of them. Whodathunkit?
1. Angel of Darkness Caleb Carr Terrific thriller set at the turn of the century. (19th to 20th) Cast of characters carried over from “The Alienist” meets evil villainess.
2. The Code of the Woosters P.G. Wodehouse. Good as it gets. Bertie, gets hopelessly entangled with lovers, silver cow creamers, cranky judges and more. Jeeves to the rescue.
3. Lord of Misrule Jaimy Gordon National Book Award Winner about the underbelly of horse racing. Spectacularly well written, fabulous characters.
4. Summer Lightning P.G. Wodehouse I want to live in P.G.’s imagination, a place of gentlemen and ladies where everything turns out well in the end.
5. Just Kids Patti Smith Beautifully written summation of the authors entwined life with the artist Robert Mapplethorpe.
6. The Turn of the Screw Henry James Well crafted, many layered ghost story. A little slow moving for my tastes.
7. Ring For Jeeves P.G. Wodehouse One of my favorite books. Also published as The Return of Jeeves. This was the third time I’ve read it.
8. The Confession John Grisham Anti capital punishment treatise rendered as a thriller. Well done.
9. Help the Poor Struggler Martha Grimes Fast paced mystery. Nothing special, but, nevertheless, entertaining.
10. Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter Seth Grahame-Smith Good idea. Strong start, excellent ending, tedious middle.
11. Sally Gives a Party P.G. Wodehouse An engaging heroine, a gentle love story. I liked it.
12. The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest Steig Larson Nice Wrap-up of the Lizbeth Salander trilogy. Sorry these books are over and sorry Steig is gone.
13. The Clicking of Cuthbert P.G. Wodhouse Ten great humorous golf stories. Several out loud laughs included.
14. The Coming of Bill P.G. Wodehouse Marriage goes awry over how to raise baby Bill and a sudden influx of riches. All’s well at the end.
15. The Power and the Glory Graham Greene Beautifully written, but otherwise not my cup of tea.
16. Sock Penn Gillette This is a find. A small treasure. Clever. Original. Imaginative. Penn is at least as fine a writer as he is a comedic magician. (Penn and Teller)
17. Hooking Up Tom Wolfe Essays mostly on the state of this and that in the year 2000. Some fascinating, some skimmed.
18. The Informationist Taylor Stevens Big disappointment. More talk than action is not the right formula for an as advertized “thriller.”
19. Damsel in Distress P.G. Wodehouse. Entertaining romp when theatrical music composer saves upper crust woman from a horrible fate…marrying the wrong man.
20. The Pump House Gang Tom Wolfe Interesting, but dated articles from Tom’s time as a magazine writer.
21. Bossy Pants Tina Fey Nothing to shout about. Funny here and there.
22. El Vencedor Esta solo Paulo Coelho (Read in Spanish) Murder and mayhem at the Cannes Film Festival. Does not end well for the good guys.
23. The Mating Season P.G. Wodehouse Bertie and Jeeves come to the rescue of several friends whose love lives have gone astray. Lots of funny stuff along the way.
24. The Help Kathryn Stockett Well done tale of early 1960s Mississippi, told through the eyes of two black maids and an aspiring writer, a young white woman.
25. The Glorious Cause Jeff Shaara Fabulous depiction of how the Revolutionary War was fought and won. Shaara brings all the players to life.
26. War of the Worldviews Deepak Chopra and Leonard Mlodinov Science vs. Spirituality. Seekers of wisdom and truth will find some of each within these pages.
27. Mister Slaughter Robert McCammon Detective series set in colonial times. Well written but didn’t grab me.
28. Let the Great World Spin Colum McCann A spectacular novel. Never a false note struck.
29. Quiet (The Power of Introverts in a world that can’t stop talking.) Susan Cain All about the “quiet” types and how they contribute. Turns out I’m one of them. Whodathunkit?
Monday, January 02, 2012
First Blog 2012
The first blog of a new year should be carefully considered, deeply contemplated and skillfully crafted. Lacking the were-with-all to do any of those things, I'll just call this the the second blog and do what I do best which is spit out whatever is on my - some call it a mind but they are not to be trusted - and declare it a blog. I will be blogging a bit more this year as I'm in the process of writing a novel and when I get bogged down in it, a thing that happens with uncommon regularity (uncommon regularity sounds like a phrase from a laxative ad)I find myself not writing at all and that scenario leaves me feeling that time is a wasting. If I'm going to waste time, I might as well choose how to do it and not have it thrust upon me like that. Today's waste of time is as follows.
Football announcers have been annoying me of late. When one comes up with a word or phrase to describe the action that is new, the others snatch it up and make it part of the lexicon as if it were there all along. For instance, when was the last time you heard an announcer say a team used a time out? Teams don't use time outs anymore, they "burn" them. And you might note that players no longer have skills, they have a "skill set." A team's secondary or defensive backfield has become the "back end" or the "back side." I don't know about you but back side conjures something different for me. Here's another that's getting worked to death: Running backs are no longer difficult to tackle, they are "hard to get to the ground." They also rarely turn the corner these days, they first have to make it to the "edge." "Edge being the new end. The one particular word that most drives me to distraction and a refill is the word used to describe a trick play or trickery. It is "trickeration." That's right, "trickeration." You know what, you mindless copycat announcers, I got your "trickeration right here!
Football announcers have been annoying me of late. When one comes up with a word or phrase to describe the action that is new, the others snatch it up and make it part of the lexicon as if it were there all along. For instance, when was the last time you heard an announcer say a team used a time out? Teams don't use time outs anymore, they "burn" them. And you might note that players no longer have skills, they have a "skill set." A team's secondary or defensive backfield has become the "back end" or the "back side." I don't know about you but back side conjures something different for me. Here's another that's getting worked to death: Running backs are no longer difficult to tackle, they are "hard to get to the ground." They also rarely turn the corner these days, they first have to make it to the "edge." "Edge being the new end. The one particular word that most drives me to distraction and a refill is the word used to describe a trick play or trickery. It is "trickeration." That's right, "trickeration." You know what, you mindless copycat announcers, I got your "trickeration right here!
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