Sonaffa Beach

THE SONAFFA BEACH DIET
By Doc Walton M.V.P., GTO

Phase One Lose Weight and Make The Room Seem Larger

The Sonaffa Beach Diet is not low carb or low fat so right off the bat you know there will be food involved, right? Wrongo Moonpie Breath, The Sonaffa Beach Diet has NO carbs and NO fats. It also has no proteins, minerals, vitamins or mono sodium glutamate, but we have left in ample portions of riboflavin as studies have shown that raw flavin is tasty and necessary for life and ribo is the best kind.

Hey! You said you wanted to lose weight.

Well here's how you will do it. You will eat the normal size portions of beef, chicken and turkey that any Vegan would eat and supplement that with healthy gold fish (avoid the ones floating on the top of the bowl) and the shells from your favorite shell fish. You will have plenty of vegetables -kale, rutabaga, rutasixty-six, grass and leaves - and, of course, eggs. Turtle and robin. Dairy cheeses are not permitted unless the milk was obtained from cows whose ribs were showing.

Nuts? Well, yeah, that's what I think too.

You will have salads with real motor oil in the dressing.

You will have three seriously unbalanced meals a day and it will be your job to eat so that your hunger and cravings don't include food. Nothing undermines a weight-loss plan more than eating food. No sane eating program includes not eating, so avoid those at all costs. You'll be encouraged to have snacks in the mid morning and mid afternoon and by encouraged I mean your parents will come out of a closet and same shame on you repeatedly. You will have dessert after dinner. I'm sorry, I wrote that wrong. You will have desert for dinner.

You will drink water, of course. This vile, tasteless, liquid normally used for washing dirty things and flushing even dirtier things will be a staple of your diet. You will also be allowed coffee or tea but only if consumed in their dry form. Here water is strictly forbidden.

For the next foreseeable future you won't be having any bread, rice, potatoes, pasta or baked goods. Also no fruit or anything labeled heart safe by the AMA. This is not about health, it's about rooking marvelous. Don't panic though, you will be able to add all those things back into your diet after just eighty four weeks or whenever you are no longer a fat person, whichever comes first. But for now...back away Big Bertha.

No candy, cookies, ice cream or sugar for the first couple of millenia either. Also no beer or alcohol of any kind. You may buy stock in Budweiser, but keep in mind their sales will plummet once this diet catches on. You will be able to add wine back into your diet after the first decade as it is beneficial for a number of reasons. It will get you loaded is the main one.

Now if you are the kind of person who lives for pasta, potatoes or satisfying your sweet tooth, then let me tell you something. Get a real life. After you do that you will be shocked how painlessly time will pass without these treats. I'll be honest here and recommend sewing your mouth, stapling your stomach and inducing a long coma to help with the pain, but let me assure you these are not necessary. Well no more than say, air, but really, in a few short months the cravings will go away. I say this with such confidence only because so many overweight people have already succeeded on this program, albeit with the aid of something called intravenous, but come on, that's in Phase Two and I don't want to get ahead of myself.

The Sonaffa Beach Diet may be new to you, but it has existed for several minutes -long enough to have helped hundreds of people consider losing pounds and keeping them off. Just not theirs.

So there you have Phase One. The Phase we call the strict period. After that it gets hard.