Yoga Man

As part of my New Year's To Be Abandoned At The Earliest Forgivable Moment Resolutions, I have added Yoga to my Almost Daily Stay Fit But Don't Hurt Your Back Workout. Yoga, as some of you may know, is a Hindii word meaning, "You want me to bend how? Are you freaking kidding?" practiced mostly in the Western Hemisphere by women who are naturally more limber than men as, unlike men, they didn't take the phrase "stiff upper lip" and apply it to their whole bodies. I was directed to this ancient practice, which by the way, is forbidden by the Geneva Convention to be used as a method of interrogation, by the Wii Fit program on my Nintendo device. The full name of the company manufacturing the device, also by the way, is Nintendo To Hurt You And Make Money While Doing It. They only use their name's first part for obvious reasons.

The initial technique I had to learn in order to yoga-ize my reluctant body was how to breathe. Foolish me thought the in and out with the air part was the whole trick. Well Wroongo Downward Dog Breath! I had to focus on this and relax that other thing and inhale through my nose and exhale out my a...other nose. I'm still working to get it right.

Next I was introduced to the Half Moon pose. They are called poses these Yoga positions because you have to stay frozen in place a long time for the "pose" to do you any good...or so I am told my my Nintendo virtual female instructor who is a Japanese program designer's idea of a Caucasian hottie. I was already aware of the Full Moon version having almost utilized it on an occasion when I was a teenager and was stopped only by the lack of the necessary quantity of alcohol needed to inspire the pose. I suspected a Half Moon pose would entail something along the lines of that displayed by the backside of hunched over repairmen. What it is in actuality is a reach for the sky and then turn yourself into a comma sideways kind of pose. After a month of practice I have achieved a slightly bent exclamation mark that looks sort of like when you tilt your head while you are thinking, "Huh?" My virtual instructor nevertheless says, "You have excellent flexibility." I wonder what she is really virtually thinking.

The next pose I, um, mastered was the Warrior Pose. The reason you don't hear about Yoga Martial Artists is because Yoga warriors stand in a manner guaranteed to get their asses kicked. They have their arms stretched taut horizontal to the ground, one forward, one back and their legs apart, also one forward, one back, aligned with their arms. The front leg is bent-kneed, the back leg straight. I did this pose on the lawn one day and a Panamanian woman hung her wet laundry on me to dry. I'm sure this pose does me some physical good, but if someday I am forced into combat, I am equally sure that I will fall back on my own tried and true martial arts technique that my personal Sensei taught me after seeing me fight. It's called "Run."

Two other poses I have, ahem, mastered are called Tree and Something To Do With Standing On One leg and Holding Your Other Knee. I quickly added these poses to my repertoire by using a cryptic and little known Yoga technique called "Cheating." What I do is I hold on to something to keep from falling.

Lastly, (So far. I plan to add more poses, because what could be more fun than increased physical pain?) I do a "Sun Salutation." Although, previously, I've always felt a "Hello Sun" was sufficient to greet the big yellow fellow, I now raise my hands over my head and bend back into a position the human body was not - obvious to me - meant to go. Following this exquisite displacia, I then exhale, bend forward and touch my toes. Yes I do, I touch my toes. You don't believe me, come on over and I'll show you as long as you promise not to freak out at my screams to call 911. While still toe touching, I then bend my knees, put my hands back above my head and return to the starting position. Just to be sure the Sun knows I'm saluting it, I do this three times in succession. Also, so far, the response from the big fiery orb has been the same as when i just said hello. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Why do I sense that when my chiropractor reads this he will be grinning from ear to ear?