The Book of Revelation

The following is very long. It is my rendering of the New Testament's Book of Revelation. Feel free to skip around in it. Of course, if you read it all, you will be rewarded. Possibly in heaven, but probably not.

A Revelation
By Doc Walton

In late December of the year 2012 the events described here will all come to pass. Remember, you heard it here first.

The Big Guy, I’m talking the biggest Big Guy, gives to Jesus the not quite as big guy, but still pretty big, the inside scoop about what is going to take place on earth in the next few days. Jesus sends an angel to one of his servants, John, so that he can testify that Jesus testifies to exactly what the Big Guy said. John is kind of a biblical Notary Public. It is uncertain whether either one raises his right hand and swears to tell the truth, the whole truth, but it all gets written down so you can decide for yourself. Those who read the entire shebang and take it to heart will be blessed Jesus said, according to John, so if you are reading this, you’ve got that going for you.

Greetings, Salutations and Doxology (Not to be confused with Doc’s Ology which is a whole other book.)

The Big Guy through Jesus and John starts off by addressing the seven churches in the province of Asia. Asia, as we know, was later to achieve continent status, but in those days was just an aspiring land mass.

“Grace and peace to you from Me who is, was and will be and also the seven spirits who hang around my throne and Jesus the firstborn from the dead, apart from Lazarus and a couple of others who probably were not technically dead, and who is my witness and the ruler of kings, presidents, czars, pharaohs and what-have-yous on earth. Here’s to him who loves you puny mortals and has freed you by his blood – and wasn’t that a nasty mess – and has created a kingdom of sorts with priests, chiropractors and proctologists to serve me. Glory and power to my kid forever and ever! Amen.” You can tell from this that the Big Guy was really a proud parent.

Then he sang out a kind of poem that went “Look it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s super Jesus coming on the clouds and every man Jack is going to see him, even those dimwits who pierced him, and all the people of earth are going to mourn because of him. So shall it be! Amen.”

This was pretty frightening stuff to most people and evidence that the Big Guy was not above showing off his muscle. “I am the Alpha and the Omega” he said, “the Big Wahhunka who is, was and always will be. I am the Almighty.”

Alrighty then, we’ll take your word for it was, for the most part, the general opinion of those listening. Not being from Missouri they didn’t require proof.

John’s Sworn Testimony

“I, John, your brother and pal in the suffering and patient endurance we have while waiting for football season, was on the island of Patmos when Jesus got the word from his Pop and passed it on to me. I was in the Spirit, so to speak, and even though what I am going to tell you might sound like I was drinking the spirits, I swear it’s the truth.

I heard a trumpet volume voice behind me which said ‘write on a scroll what you see and send it to these seven churches: Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia whose team is having a good year, and Laodicea. Oh and also the First Church of Our Ladies Of Michelob Consumption.’”

I turned around to see the voice that was talking to me and right there you know I was in the Spirit, because most people hear voices not see them. What I saw though, was seven golden lampposts. I’m not kidding, lampposts. In amongst the lampposts was a guy
dressed in a robe that reached down to his feet and had a golden sash that wrapped around his chest. I thought the sash would look better around his waist, but hesitated to say anything as this guy had a head of wooly white hair and fire blazing eyes. His feet looked like bronze glowing in a furnace, his right hand held seven stars and coming out of his mouth was a double edged sword! On top of that, his voice sounded like rushing waters and his face was lit up like a shining sun. I mean you don’t give fashion tips to a guy like that. What you do is fall at his feet like a dead man.

The guy then puts a hand on me and says ‘Do not be afraid.’ Yeah right, I think. Then he goes, ‘I am the first and the last, I am the Living One; I was dead and now look John I am alive forever dude! And besides that I hold the keys of death and Hades which are some bad news keys, so write what you see now and what will take place later. Don’t make that last part up, I’ll tell you what it is.’ Then he says, ‘The mystery of the seven stars in my hand and the seven lampposts is this: The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches and the seven lampposts are the churches. Get it?’ I honestly couldn’t say I did.

Chapter 2

“Write this to the star of the lamppost in Ephesus” he tells me, meaning, I’m pretty sure, the angel that’s hunkered down there in the church. Let’s call him Fred. Fred the angel.
“These are my words Fred, the words of him who holds seven stars in one hand and walks among the lampposts. I can also juggle chainsaws and bowling balls, but they haven’t been invented yet, so what do you care. I know of your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. You are one busy angel Fred, and I appreciate that. I know you don’t tolerate wicked people and have uncovered false prophets by putting them to the test. By the way what test was that? Did it hurt much? I use the old thunder and lightening gambit to scare the truth out of them, but I guess your way works too. I have to tell you though Fred, that even though you have endured hardships for me and never flagged, I still hold something against you and here’s what it is: You just don’t love me as much as you did at first. Don’t deny it, I can tell. You need to repent Fred, and do the things you did when you first loved me. If you don’t I will have to take strong measures. I will remove your lamppost from its place and you will be up doodoos creek without a paddle. The one thing you’ve got going for you right now is that you hate the practices of the Nicolatians, a bad bunch if ever there were one, and I hate that stuff too. That whole shimmy like your sister does and dance the night away seems excessive to me.

So listen up whoever has ears and I’m figuring that’s most people, let them hear what I am saying to the churches. To those who are victorious over the Nicolatians and other bad sorts, I will give the right to eat from the Tree of Life which is in the paradise of God.
This tree grows every food you can imagine and you can eat as much as you want without getting fat. The whole thing is very low in carbs.”

To the angel in Smyrna, let’s call him Bob, Jesus told me to write this: “These are the words of him who is First and Last, (a nifty trick that) who died and came to life again. (Seems like he reminds us of that an awful lot.) Bob, I know of your afflictions you’re your poverty, but buck up old sock, because you are really rich! And I know all about those slanderous bast.., uh liars that say they are Jews, but are actually from one of Satan’s synagogues. The giveaway there is that they meet on Tuesdays. Listen Bob, the devil is going to put some of you and yours in prison, but don’t be afraid of what you are going to suffer. It’s all just a test to see if you are with me or not. Sure it’s going to be painful, really really painful, but if you hang in there for ten days, and even if you die, you are not to worry, because at the end I will give you life eternal as a reward.” Then Jesus added his tag line about people with ears listening up, being victorious and not worrying about death and all that.

To the angel in Pergamum, Elliot, Jesus had me write this: “These are the words of him who has the double edged sword in his mouth. Blargle fliiggen splitzen bluck.” Then
Jesus took the sword from his mouth and he started again. “I know where you live Elliot! It’s where Satan has his throne. But even there you remain true to my name, never renouncing your faith. Even when Antipas, a close pal of mine, was put to death in your city you hung with me. Nevertheless, I still have a few bones to pick with you. There are some among your flock who hold to the teaching of Balaam. He was the one who taught Balak to entice the Israelites to sin. He got them to eat taboo foods, sacrifice to idols, and commit sexual immoralities like a Hollywood starlet working her way to the top. And besides that, you also have those who hold with the teachings of the Nicolaitans and you know how I feel about them! Repent I tell you, and do it now. If you don’t, I will put the sword back in my mouth and come to your town with malice aforethought. Believe me Buster, you don’t want that!”

Then there was more of the “whoever has ears” stuff, but with the added enticement of getting some hidden manna and a secret rock with a name on it that only the receiver would know. I think if you showed the rock to the guy at the door with a list of names, you could get into the club.

To the angel Tyrone, (whose last name was Shoes) (Tyrone Shoes. Think about it.) At the church in Thyatira, Jesus had me write this: These are the words of the Son of God whose eyes are like blazing fire and whose feet are like burnished bronze. The rest of me is fairly normal but I had to do up the eyes and feet so you’d know it was me. Tyrone, I know your deeds, your love, your faith, your service, your perseverance and that you are now doing more than you did in the beginning. Nevertheless,” (Tyrone will freak when he sees that ‘nevertheless’ because he knows what’s next won’t be good.) I am really ticked about something and here it is. You tolerate the woman Jezebel who calls herself a prophet. She misleads my servants into sexual immorality using foodstuffs formerly sacrificed to idols and that, Tyrone, is downright nasty. I gave Jezebel a chance to repent her immorality but she declined. I think she might be a sex addict needing therapy, but I don’t really have the time for that right now. What I am going to do instead, is cast her on a bed of suffering, one with a really bad mattress, and make those who commit adultery with her suffer intensely too. I’m thinking catheters without anesthesia or something like that. I am also going to bump off any children she might have and in this way show I mean business. This way everybody in all the churches will know that I am he who searches hearts and minds in case the blazing eyes and bronze toes were not convincing enough. To all the good people in Thyatira who have not messed with

Jezebel and learned Satan’s so-called deep secrets and guaranteed good moves, I will not impose further burdens. Just keep up the good work until I get there. To those who manage to do my will to the end I will give authority over nations. They will get to rule with an iron scepter and will be able to dash their enemies to pieces as if they were pottery just like I can do thanks to my Old Man. Pretty cool, huh?! On top of that, I’m also going to give them the Morning Star Ledger which is a darn good paper. So listen up people with ears, to what the Spirit says.”

Chapter 3 begins here for no special reason.

To the Angel Frank in Sardis, Jesus had me send off this little gem: “These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits of God including wine my favorite and a grappa that will take your head off. I am also the guy with the seven stars. I know all about your deeds, good and bad and I know when you are sleeping and I know when you’re awake. And speaking of being awake, you best wake up, because right now you are dead meat. Repent I tell ya, because your good deeds are unfinished in the sight of God and he hates that. Get on with it or I’ll come slipping around like a cat burglar and straighten your sinning selves out. Trust me, you won’t like that. Okay, I know you do have some people there in Sardis who haven’t soiled their clothes, so to speak, and they will get to hang with me when I come there. I’ll dress them all in white so you will know they are worthy and pure, like, you know, brides. Well, some brides anyway. Others who are victorious over sin will also get to dress in white. I’m real fond of white, but it is hard to keep clean. I’ll make a list of all the white clad people for the Book of Life and show it to my Pops and his angel pals. That'll get them major brownie points.”

Then there was the usual bit about ears and the Spirit and all that.

To the angel, Dean, in Philly’s church, I was told to write this: “These are my words and my words alone. I’ve got no staff dreaming this stuff up for me. I am holy and true and on top of that I hold the key of David who doesn’t need it anymore. When I open something with David’s key no one can shut it and when I lock something with the same key no one can open it. This is one fine and dandy key, take my word for it. Alrighty then, I know of your deeds. I put before you one of those open doors that can’t be shut as a little test. You ran out of strength trying to close it, but you never once said goddamn it Jesus or anything of that sort. Because of that, I am going to make those fake Jews from Satan’s synagogue fall down at your feet and admit I love you. That’ll teach them, the tricky devils. And also since you have kept my orders to endure everything patiently, I am going to let you skip the trial the whole world is going to have to undergo when I return. That’s right, you guys are out of jury duty. Listen, I’m coming soon so hold onto your hats and keep the faith baby. If you are victorious, you will be big shots in the temple of God. In fact I am going to turn you into pillars there and you will never get to leave. And on those pillars I am going to write God’s secret name, God’s city’s secret name and even my secret name. So how about that eh?”

And then he said if you got ears blah blah blah.

I was getting a little tired of all this letter writing, but what could I do. Jesus had some big time clout. I asked if there were going to be many more and Jesus said not to worry this is the last one. To Joey the angel in the church at Laodicea, I wrote this message: “These are the words of the Amen (as opposed to the Bmen I figured) the faithful and true witness and the ruler of God’s creation. Your deeds have run neither hot nor cold which is too bad because it makes you hard to judge. Because you are lukewarm, I am going to spit you out of my mouth like wine that’s gone round the bend. You say you are rich and don’t need a thing. Well wrongo, silver spoon breath! You don’t even realize it but you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. How you could miss that beats me, but it is so. My best advice is to buy fire refined gold from me and I’ll make you such a deal that you will really be rich! I’ve also got some white clothes that I’m letting go cheap so that you can cover your shameful nakedness. Women with good bods lacking shame of their nakedness are exempted from the clothing sale. With purchases of either the gold or the clothes, I’m throwing in jars of eye salve that will let you see your new stuff better. Remember, because I love you, I’ve got to rebuke and discipline you. Kind of like you would do with a new puppy. So be earnest and repent. C’mon, everybody’s got something they want to get off of their chest. Okay, here I am standing at your door. If you hear me and open up, I will come in and share some chow with you. I’ll eat almost anything, but I do like a little glass of vino along with my meals. If you are victorious in your battle with the devil and his pals, you will sit with me on my throne just like I sat with my Father on his throne. I have my own throne now and that’s a good thing. It was getting a little crowded on Pop’s.”

Then, of course, if you have ears, etc.

Chapter 4 Take a Seat

After Jeez finished up with his correspondence to the churches, I started looking around and like ZAP, a door opened in heaven and I could look right in. A big ole voice trumpeted out, “Come on up here and I’ll show you what’s next.” I was suddenly in the Spirit, you know, possessed like, and there right in front of me was a heavenly throne. I mean this thing looked more comfortable than a Lazyboy, and there was someone sitting on it I didn’t recognize, but he was giving off the colors jasper and ruby. Jasper is greenish and ruby is red, so it had a kind of christmasy feel to it. A rainbow encircled the throne and behind it there were 24 other thrones with 24 elders sitting on them. I could tell they were elders because they were all, you know, elder-ly. These guys were all dressed in white and had gold crowns on their heads. Some even had a few gold crowns on their teeth. From the main throne came lightening flashes, rumblings and peals of thunder. This may account for the rainbow. In front of the throne seven lamps were blazing. If you were looking for a comfy place to read with plenty of light, this throne was the place to be. Also, in front of the throne, was what looked like a sea of glass stretching out for a long ways, all crystalline and clear. If you think that was freaky, let me tell you about what was standing right in front of throne. There were four creatures all covered with EYES! I mean covered, front and back! One of them was shaped like a lion, one like an ox, another like a man, and the last like a flying eagle. They all had six wings and as I’ve said, were covered with eyes. It would be real tough to sneak up on one of these things. The four of them were chanting over and over the same thing: “Holy holy, holy, we don’t mean roly poly, the Lord God’s Almighty, so we can all sleep tighty” or something similar to that. I was listening hard when I got a kind of internal message that said when you give glory and praise to the main guy on the main throne who lives forever, then the 24 elders will whip off their own thrones, fall down before the Big Dude, place their crowns in front of the throne and say, “You are worthy of our homage because, hey what the heck, you made us and everything else including Rue Paul and pet rocks. Without you nothing would still be the main thing.”

Chapter 5 The Scroll and a Very Weird Lamb

When I looked back to the throne, I saw in the right hand of the Big Guy sitting there, a scroll that had writing on both sides and was sealed with seven seals. You can tell by this
I was standing pretty close. An angel with a loud voice – nobody up here believed in that talk softly approach – appeared and asked who is worthy to break the seals and open the scrolls? No one though, on earth or in heaven was apparently worthy of doing the trick. I started bawling like a baby, because I was real curious to know what the scroll said. One of the elders, a compassionate kind of guy, put a hand on my shoulder and told me not to cry. “Look” he said, “See the Lion of Judah, the Root of David has triumphed! He will break the seven seals and open the scroll.” I had no idea what he was talking about until a lamb that looked dead as can be popped up in front of the throne. It was quickly encircled by the weird eye creatures and all the elders. The lamb was kind of funky its own self. It had seven horns and seven eyes. Seven being an odd number meant there was just no symmetry to the beast. Didn’t matter though. Seven was the number of those spirits we talked about earlier so it had a spiritual weight to it if you know what I mean. The lamb then walks up to God – you all know that’s who we’ve been talking about, right? – and takes the scroll from him. Quick as you can say Leviticus three times, the eye creatures and the elders fall down on their knees. This was a little tough for the eagle creature, but it eventually managed. Harps and bowls of incense were given to all of them out of nowhere and they began to sing this snappy ditty:

You are worthy to take this scroll
To open its seals and its secret unfold.

Because you were killed, your blood was used
To buy God a kingdom and that’s good news.
Waytago Lamb, you get our praise
You’ll rule on earth ‘till the end of our days.

I was just getting into this, tapping my foot and all, when I looked up and saw millions of angels appear and surround the throne, the eye creatures and the elders. I was hoping they were friendly because there sure were a lot of them. Turned out they were here to add their own verse to the song.

Worthy is the Lamb who was killed so dead.
Power, wealth, wisdom upon his head.
Honor and glory and a bucketful of praise…

They stopped right there without rhyming that last line and I wondered for a second why, when suddenly every creature in heaven and earth and under the earth and in the sea chimed in with:

To him on the throne and to the Lamb
Glory and power and that’s no sham.

I guess I don’t need to mention how loud that was! Like surround sound with the volume maxed out. When they stopped, the four weird eye creatures said “Amen” and the elders dropped to their knees and prayed like a son of a gun.

Chapter 6 Opening the seals

If that last part didn’t get you, this next is sure to blow your mind. I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. One of the four creatures demanded in a thundering voice “Come!” and just like that a white horse appeared. It had a rider holding a bow and he was given a crown and some arrows. After that, he rode off like a conqueror bent on conquest. I was thinking he might need some help when, badda bing,badda boom, the
Lamb opened the second seal and another horse appeared. This one was fiery red and its rider was given the power to end peace on earth and make people slay each other. They dubbed him the Secretary of Defense. They also gave him a large sword. Better that than nukes, I thought. When the Lamb opened the third seal I heard the third creature cry out a “Come!” of his own and, wouldn’t you know, a black horse appeared. Its rider held a pair of scales in his hand. The guy had to be a Libra. He hollers out “A quart of wheat and three quarts of barley for a day’s pay” and I make him in favor of raising the minimum wage. Then he says “But keep your hands off the oil and wine” and I realize he’s hoarding the big bucks for himself. The Lamb then opened the fourth seal and behold a pale horse appeared. I mean this nag was deathly pale and that may be why his rider was named Death. Another guy, with another grim name, Hades, was following close behind. These two guys were given power over a fourth of the earth to kill off the population by sword, famine, plague, or using wild beasts to do the job. I made a note to not be caught in their quarter of the planet. When the lamb opened the fifth seal, I got a peek under the altar and saw the souls of all those people who had been slain because of espousing the word of God and other liberal ideas. They wanted revenge for their deaths and were calling out to the Big Guy, “How long, how long before you judge the rest of earth’s inhabitants and avenge our blood?” Each of them was given a white robe, because even souls ought to wear something, and then they were told to hold their horses, be patient, more people had to die just like they did before God would take action. I don’t know what number of dead martyrs He was shooting for, but I guessed it to be pretty high. The opening of the sixth seal was definitely a visual topper. First there was a massive earthquake that would have maxed out a Richter Scale if one had been handy, and then the sky turned black like sackcloth made of goat hair. Black goat hair. For contrast, the moon turned Crimson Tide red. Stars began falling to earth like figs falling from a wind blown tree and I ducked for cover in a nearby cave. The sky rolled up like a scroll and all the mountains and islands were relocated to somewhere else. I wasn’t alone in hiding. Everybody on earth from kings to slaves was doing the same. I could hear many of them screaming to be hid from the sight of He who sits on the throne and also the wrath of the Lamb. Lambs can, apparently, be really bad news when they get ticked off.

Chapter 7 People Sealed and Saved

I was beginning to wonder about the mayhem the seventh seal might bring when I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth. They were holding back the four
winds of the earth with all their might. The north wind angel was having a particularly hard time. Then I saw another angel coming up from the east bearing the seal of the living God. He called out to the four angels who had been given power to mess with the land and sea. “Hold off a minute” he was saying. “I need to put a mark of the foreheads of a hundred and forty four thousand people from the twelve tribes of Israel. Soon as I’m done, you can get back to screwing with things.” The angel was real fair about it, marking twelve thousand each from the tribes of Hey Jude, Ruben Ruben I Been Thinking, Gad fly, Asher No Questions, She’ll Tell You No Lies, Nafta Treaty, Manasses in The Cold Cold Ground, Simon Says, Levi Real Comfortable Pants, Issachar Half Full or Half Empty, Zebulon Pike, Joe The Plumber and Ben.

I blinked my eyes once to see if I was seeing what I thought I was seeing, and zappo, like that, I suddenly saw a great multitude of people so vast that I couldn’t count them even if I counted by tens. I’m talking a million or more and they were from every nation and tribe and spoke every language there was. They all cried out as one, “Salvation belongs to God who sits on the throne, buts gets up every once in awhile to stretch his legs and also to the Lamb. The Lamb can save your ass as well.” At least that’s what I think they were saying. It was kinda tough to hear what with so many people talking different languages.

While this was going on the angels, elders and four weird eyed creatures fell down before the throne and added to the noise confusion by saying very loudly “Amen” hoping, I think, to shut the others up. When it didn’t help, they babbled on themselves saying, “Praise, glory, wisdom, thanks, honor, strength and power off the tee to you da man God forever and ever.” Then they threw out another loud “Amen” and everybody shut up. One of the elders turned to me then and asked who the dudes in the white robes were. I told him he knew as well as I did, hoping he’d come up with something as I didn’t really have a clue. “Ah” he said, “these are the people born from hard times who have washed all the color out of their robes with the blood of the Lamb which works even better than bleach. And that’s why they are hanging around the throne serving the Big Guy figs and other stuff day and night. They are hoping He’ll spread their tent over them and they won’t be hungry, thirsty, or overly warm again. The Lamb will get up and lead them to springs of living water, because even Lambs get thirsty and this one knows the way and also God will wipe away all their tears.” It was kind of a long answer, but I said, “Right on, works for me.”

I was still worried about what would happen when the seventh seal was opened, but I
thought, what the heck how much worse can it get? When it was finally opened, everyone and everything went dead quiet for half an hour give or take a few minutes. After that, the seven main angels standing before the altar were each given a gold trumpet. Word has it they were all good musicians. While they were tuning up, another angel appeared and was given a truck load of incense which he fired up and offered to God at the altar before the throne. The smoke from the incense rose up as smoke usually does, from the angel’s hand and a bunch of saints said some prayers along with it. Then the angel took his incense holder, filled it with fire from the altar and hurled it to the earth. There came immediately, lightening, thunder and another big earthquake. Oh boy, I thought, here we go again.

The first angel hit a pure note on his horn and it started hail and fire mixed with blood to fall from the sky down onto the earth. Helluva mess. A third of the earth, trees and grass were all cooked browner than a T-Day turkey. The second angel put his trumpet to his lips and sounded another right on note and an entire mountain completely ablaze was hurled into the sea. A third of the sea turned to blood, a third of all the ships afloat were destroyed and a third of all the sea creatures bit the big one including angel fish, sea horses and pods of whales that were just minding their own business. The third angel blew on his horn and a star named Wormwood plummeted from the sky and landed in pieces on rivers and springs, causing their waters to go bitter, which is what you might expect from something named Wormwood. Stupid people, a large percentage of the population, maybe even a third, drank the water and died. The fourth angel hit a sour note, but it still caused a third of the sun, the moon and the stars to turn dark. A third of the day was without light and so was a third of the night, but truthfully, nobody really noticed that last since night is usually dark anyway.

Yup, stuff was hitting the fan, so to speak and I knew it was going to get worse when an eagle flew overhead shouting, “Woe, woe, woe and woe to the earthlings, because the last three trumpeters are really bad news.” Talking eagles have always given me pause.

When the fifth angel sounded his trumpet, I saw a star fall from the sky, hit the earth and open an abyss. Pretty bad, huh? Well you ain’t heard nothing yet. Out of the abyss rose a dense smoke like the smoke from a gigantic bonfire. The sun and the sky were darkened by the smoke and pollution warnings were issued throughout the land. Now here is where it gets really grim. From the smoke there came locusts. Not just any old locusts but special locusts with instructions not to harm any plants on the earth. Their targets were the people with unmarked foreheads. The locusts looked like horses prepared for battle. On their heads they wore what looked like gold crowns and each locust had an almost human face. They had women’s long hair and teeth like lions. They wore breastplates of iron and their wings sounded like the thunder of galloping horses. Their tails were scorpion like stingers. They were led by an Angel king whose name in Hebrew is Abaddon, in Greek, Apollyon and in English, Stanley. This next part is truly nasty. The locusts were instructed not to kill anybody. They used their tails to sting people in such away that they wouldn’t die, but just suffer in agony for five months! I couldn’t see my own forehead – there wasn’t a mirror to be found anywhere – but I sure as hell hoped it had the “You’re saved” mark on it. The sixth angel hit a high C on his horn and was given instructions to release the four angels who were bound and gagged by the Euphrates River. These angels had been kept there preparing for this very day. Their job, upon their release, was to snuff out a third of the people in the world. They had an army of two hundred million cavalry troops to help them accomplish their bloody task. I know that is the exact number, because, well, somebody told me. The horses and their riders had fiery red, dark blue and sulfury yellow breastplates. The horses had lion’s heads and out of their mouths came fire, smoke and sulfur. The plagues caused by the fire, smoke and sulfur did the job of snuffing out a third of the world’s population. The riders didn’t have to do anything but hang on and steer a little bit. Oh, and did I mention the horses tails? They were like snakes with mouths that bit anyone trying to sneak up from behind. And here’s the absolutely nutso part. The people not killed by the plagues still didn’t repent. This is not counting the marked for salvation people. They were still good to go. I’m talking about the other unmarked people who kept on worshipping demons and idols of all sorts and wouldn’t repent their murders, magic arts, thefts and their group sex in vats of tapioca. I mean some people just won’t learn.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was about to get personally involved. A mighty angel came down from heaven. He was robed in a nice cloud and had a rainbow over his head. After the locusts and the killer horses, this guy was a welcome sight. His face was lit up like the sun and he had fiery pillars for legs. He was also one really big dude. He planted his right foot on the sea and his left on the land and then he shouted in a voice like seven thunders at once. I was just about to jot down a reminder of what he was saying when a voice from the sky hollered, “Hold on there Bucko. Don’t write down what the seven thunders voice is saying. That’s going to be our little secret. I put down my pencil
Immediately, because when heavenly voices talk to you it’s best to do what they say. If you are not psychotic, that is. The huge angel raised his right hand and swore by him who created everything and lives forever and all that and then said, “There will be no delays. When the seventh trumpeter trumpets, God’s mystery will be accomplished just like he told his pals the prophets.” I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that, but while I was trying to figure out which mystery he was referring to, that heavenly voice spoke to me again. “Go take the scroll from the hand of the big angel.” I had to do it of course. By this time I was kind of committed or maybe should be, somewhere, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I asked the big guy for the scroll and what do you know he gave it to me. When he handed it to me he said, “Take this and eat it. It will turn your stomach sour, but it will taste as sweet as Oreos in your mouth.” I did what he ordered, because like I said, the dude was really big. Sure enough it went down smooth, but then it turned sour as an old crone’s disposition. Then somebody told me, either the voice from the sky or the big angel straddling the earth and sea, that I was to prophesize again about people, nations, languages, lawyers and kings. I wasn’t sure about that “again” part. They may have had me mixed up with someone else. Nostradamus, maybe, or somebody like that.

I was handed a reed with notches on it like a measuring rod and told to go measure the
altar and the temple of God. Don’t measure the outer court though, the voice said, it has been given to the Gentiles. Then, before I could get on with the least bit of measuring, the voice went into a rant on Gentiles that raised the hair on the back of my neck. “They will trample the Holy City for 42 months.” it said. “I will appoint two witnesses to prophesize for 1,260 days, which, if you do the math, is 42 months, and they will be dressed in sackcloth, because I like the way it hangs freely from the shoulders. These are my two olive trees, my two lampposts, my two for the money and two for the show, and if anyone tries to harm them, fire will come from their mouths and fry the freak like a fritter. If that’s not good enough, my two witnesses will have the power to keep it from raining the whole time they are prophesying - sack cloth is nasty when it’s wet - and the power to turn the land’s waters into blood, a thing that will really mess with your morning coffee. If you make them extra mad, they can strike the earth with plagues whenever they feel like it.” I thought this was going a little too far, but who was I to say so. I bit my tongue and continued to listen. “Now, when they have finished their testimony,” the voice went on, “a beast will come up out of the abyss, attack and kill them. Considering how much power these two guys have, you know this is one really bad-ass beast. “Their bodies will lay out in a public square of a great city figuratively called Sodom or maybe, Perth Amboy, until we come up with something better. We are kicking around Saint Paul and Minneapolis. For three and a half days people from all over will gaze on their bodies, but refuse them burial. They will be gloating and celebrating and sending each other gifts, because the two witnesses had caused them no end of grief for a long time, 1,260 days to be exact. Hopefully, someone will remember that it was a beast who done the dudes in and maybe throw some food and stuff down the abyss for it.

At the end of three and a half days, God will give the dead witnesses his breath of life and they will jump to their feet shouting ‘Alrighty then!’ This will scare the crap out of anyone who happens to be watching. God will then lean down from heaven and say ‘Boys, up here. Come on up here’ and the two witnesses will ride on up in a handy cloud while all their enemies look on.

As soon as they were safely out of the way, an earthquake rocked the city and seven thousand people were killed. The survivors counted their blessings, mainly that they were still alive and also that cable gave them 64 channels on their basic package. They gave thanks and glory to God.”

The second woe had now passed and a third was coming to a neighborhood near you soon. Me? I was still worried about that seventh trumpeter. When he finally sounded his horn, loud voices came from the heavens singing in a nice three part harmony “Kingdom come has come, old Chum. It’s the end of grief and pain. The Messiah brings us hope you Bum, He’s here to start his reign.” The 24 elders dropped from their thrones to their kness when they heard this and sang back, “We give you thanks Lord God Almighty, because you’ve got power that reigns Alrighty. The time has come for judging the dead, don’t be too hard on my Uncle Ted. And reward your pals who revere your name, for the troubles down here they are not to blame. And, oh yeah, do something bad to those people who are screwing up the environment.

Then God’s temple in heaven was opened and it made the Taj Mahal look like a tent city. Inside the temple you could see the Ark of the Covenant. From it came flashes of lightening, peals of thunder, earthquakes and great hailstorm. Nobody’s skin was melted off though. That’s just movie stuff.

Chapter 12. The Woman and the Dragon

A regular Lucasfilm wonder appeared in heaven. A woman who was clothed in the sun, a hot woman if ever there was one, was standing on the moon wearing also a crown of twelve stars on her head. She was preggers and was crying out in pain because she was just about to drop the kid. An enormous red dragon appeared and you just knew it was up to no good. It had seven heads all wearing crowns and ten nasty looking horns. It flicked its tail and knocked a third of the stars out of the sky and sent them hurtling to earth. The dragon then placed himself in front of the woman so the second the kid was born he could gobble it up. The woman gave birth to a son who will “rule all nations with an iron scepter.” Well, that is, of course, if he wasn’t eaten by a dragon first. Luckily for the kid, he was snatched up before the dragon could get him and taken up to heaven to hang out with God. The woman fled to the desert where a hideout had been prepared for her and she was taken care of for 1260 days after which she was on her own.

Meanwhile, back in heaven, the Angel Mike and his pals took on the dragon that was still hanging around and had summoned up angel buddies of his own. Mikes troops prevailed though, and they threw the dragon, who turned out to be Satan in disguise, and all his cohorts down to earth where, of course, he still wreaks havoc even as we speak.

Another loud voice echoed from heaven, the place is apparently full of them, and explained what had just happened. “With God and his Messiah backing him, Mike has
thrown that troublemaker the Devil out of heaven and sent him to earth. They pulled this feat off using the blood of the Lamb which is some kind of powerful stuff I tell ya, and also because the bad guys were afraid of dying. Live to fight another day was their motto, so off to earth they went. Therefore, you guys living up here in heaven, rejoice, you’ve got it made. You poor slobs on earth? You’ve got to be wary. The Devil is pissed, he knows his time is short and he’s looking for payback.”

When the dragon found himself on earth, he set out to find the woman who had given birth to the male child that had foiled him. The woman had been given eagle wings so she could fly to a desert hideaway where she could be protected for “a times, times and half a times” which we all know is 1260 days. We don’t know if she was allowed to keep the wings. The dragon, in hot pursuit of the flying woman, spewed a river of water from his mouth in hopes that it would swallow the woman up, but this turned out to be an ill advised trick. First off, the woman was flying above the water and second the earth in that neighborhood, mostly desert, absorbed all the water at a rapid rate. Foiled again and even more enraged, the dragon went off to screw with the rest of the good people on earth; you know, commandment keepers, Jesus testimony followers and the like.

Chapter 13

The dragon stood on the edge of a sea. I’m not sure which sea, because these visions I’ve been given lately were somewhat off the wall. As the dragon and I watched, a beast came out of the sea. I much preferred it when Ursala Andress or Haile Berry came out of the sea, but in this instance it was a beast. It had ten horns and seven heads with crowns on its horns, each one bearing a blasphemous name like NY Yankees or Oakland Raiders. The beast resembled a leopard, it had spots, but it had the mouth of a lion, the feet of a bear and a tail of two cities. The dragon gave the beast his power, a throne and great authority, because he wanted to slip into the shadows and chill out for awhile. The beast had what looked like a fatal wound on one of its heads, but it had healed and this impressed the world’s people. They took to following him around filled with wonder. People in those days seemed to enjoy a mindless follow now and again. They were much like Republicans during the G.W. Bush administration. People began to worship the dragon and the beast because, really, which of them could make war against such foes. I mean where were the dragon slayers when you needed them?

Out of the beast’s lion mouth were uttered proud words instead of the usual chit chat and also blasphemies like “Go Knicks.” It was given permission to do this for 42 months or the length of the baseball season which is roughly the same. At least it seems so. The beast also slandered God, heaven and heavenly dwellers, using the curse words of the period that were mostly Greek to me, but I got their drift: They were bad mouthing the Big Guy. The beast was granted power by the dragon to make war against God’s holy people and to conquer them whenever they crossed his path. Everyone whose name was not written in the Lamb’s Book of Life was supposed to worship the beast, but a couple of guys from south Philly said, “Ya gotta be kidding me” and went their own way.

That old saw “whoever has ears let them hear” was heard again, followed by these pearls of wisdom: “If you are captured into captivity you will go, and if you are killed by the sword, by the sword you will be killed.” It was all a bit redundant but you couldn’t argue with the logic.

A lot of patience and suspension of disbelief was required of God’s people in those days. I mean, they had to put up with a lot of weird shit.

As if to prove my point, another beast rose from out of the ground. This one had two horns like a lamb, but spoke like a dragon; you know, deep and scratchy like, with lots of hot breath. It played the part of agent and front man for the first beast, the one whose fatal wound had been healed. This new beast demanded that everyone worship the first beast or else. To show what it meant by or else, it made fire fall from the sky to the earth in front of everybody and their brother. It then ordered the earth’s inhabitants, well okay, just the people not the donkeys and other animals, to create an image of the first beast
It was a tough sculpturing job what with all the horns, lion’s mouth and whatnot, but when it was finished, the second beast was given the power to give breath to the image so that it could talk to the people and even kill those that refused to worship it. This was one mean mutha of a statue. It also forced all the people, great and small, rich or poor, free or slave, to have a mark branded on either their right hand or their forehead. You couldn’t buy sell or trade anything without this mark and that included collectibles and infomercial offers. The mark was actually the name of the beast or, rather its number. That number is 666 unless you read it upside down, which was often the case with the people who were marked on their hands. Then it was 999. Most of the other beasts in the 600 series were also ugly and mean spirited, but of them not much was said.

Chapter 14 The Lamb and the 144 thousand lucky sons-of-guns.

I have to admit I was getting somewhat tired of all the bad news, but then I looked up and
saw the bigshot Lamb standing on Mount Zion. With him were his 144 thousand chosen pals who had his name and his Father’s name engraved on their foreheads. Not just a number mind you, but the whole blessed name. Then I heard a sound from heaven like Niagara Falls followed by thunder and I thought there must be a storm coming. I was about to run for shelter when the sound suddenly mutated into that of harpists playing harps. This was a good sound. Much better than say harpists playing trombones. After that there was the singing of a new song that only the dudes with names on their foreheads knew the words to. These 144 thousand were the redeemed of the earth because they had not defiled themselves with women or even have plain old sex with them. They were all still virgins! They followed the Lamb like a flock of sheep which makes sense if you think about it. They also never lied. Not even in the locker room when previous night’s dates were often discussed. They were completely blameless. I was told the 144 thou had been purchased from among the human race. I don’t know the cost, but I’m guessing that God’s purchase department was filled with sharp cookies and they got a good deal. After they were bought, the 144k were offered to God and the Lamb as “first fruits” which, hopefully, is a metaphor and not a table offering.
Right after this I saw another angel flying around bringing the eternal gospel to those who live on earth. Those who lived on other planets had to get their news some other way. This angel was shouting, “Fear God and give him glory and anything else He wants. Judgment day has come, so worship Him if you’ve got a brain in your head.”

A second angel came zooming in right behind the first. This one was saying “Fallen is Babylon the Great which made all nations drink the maddening wine of her adulteries.” Hmmm, I thought. “Maddening wine.” I wondered if I could have a small sip of that. Just a recreational taste, nothing serious. And of course the “HER adulteries” made me think that Babylon the Great was a woman. They sure get blamed for a lot of stuff.

A third angel then swooped in with an even louder voice. This one was saying “if we catch anyone worshipping the beast or wearing 666on their hands or foreheads, they will drink the wine of God’s fury.” I wanted no part of that one. I wouldn’t even sniff the cork. “They will be tormented with burning sulfur in the presence of the holy angels and the Lamb will be watching too. The smoke from their torment will rise forever and ever and there will be no rest day or night for those who worship the beast. Keep the faith baby and that means following the commandments and tipping your hat to Jesus, because I’m telling you that a smoky, sulfury, torment is coming down on the bad guys.”

Then a voice from heaven told me to write, “Blessed are the dead who die in the lord…from now on.” Followed by “yes, they will rest from their labor for their deeds will follow them.” I tore myself away from thinking about the poor tormented forever people and jotted down what the voice said. I also made a note to straighten up and fly right.

I started to look around again and there before me was a white cloud. Sitting on the cloud was a guy who looked a lot like the Son of Man, aka the Lamb aka Jesus aka He who has risen and all the rest, but at this distance I wasn’t really certain it was Him. He was well decked out in a nice gold crown, but he had a menacing sharp sickle in his hand. Another angel came out of the temple – that’s right there was a temple in my vision too – and said to the cloud sitter, “Take your sickle and reap, for the earth’s harvest is ripe.” The cloud sitter took one long swipe with his sickle and zappy, the earth was harvested.

In case you haven’t been following along or getting the picture here, let me explain that He was harvesting people. Yikes.

Another angel pops out of the temple and he too is wielding a sickle. A fire tending angel tells him to take his sharp sickle and gather the clusters of grapes from the earth, because they are plump and ripe. The sickle wielder does as he’s told, gathers the grapes and throws them into the winepress of God’s wrath. This, I’m almost sure, is another metaphor, because when the so called grapes are trampled, blood flows out of the press
and rises as high as a horse’s bridle and flows for a distance of 1600 stadia laid end to end. That’s roughly 180 miles and one helluva lot of blood.

Chapter 15 Seven Angels with Seven Plagues

Up in heaven, I saw another great and marvelous sign. Marvelous, that is, if you dig horror movie stuff. I saw seven angels with seven plagues. I somehow knew these were the last seven, because once they were loosed, God’s wrath would be completed. I also saw a sea of glass glowing with fire and a host of victorious people who had defeated the beast, its statue and its number. They were grinning like all get out and playing harps that God had given them. God is real fond of harp music when he’s not listening to rhythm and blues. They were belting out one of Moses’ tunes that he had written with the Lamb.

Great and marvelous are your deeds
Lawd God Amighty.
Just and true are your ways
You da king Alrighty.

Everyone doth fear the lawd
That’s why they praise your name.
For you alone are holy lawd
All nations they done came,
To worship you for righteous acts
All’s been revealed and dems da facts.

It seemed at this point that all was going good, what with the singing and all, but then I looked up and the seven plague carrying angels come out of the temple. They were dressed snappy in nice clean linens with gold sashes around their chests, but I got the feeling that they were up to no good. One of the four creatures - you remember them, the ones with the funky eyes - gave each of the angels a bowl filled with God’s wrath. The temple was suddenly filled with smoke from the glory of God and his power which could be a darned thick thing when He wanted it to be. No one could enter the temple without risking asphyxiation until the seven plagues were completed.

Chapter 16 God’s Wrath in the Seven Major Bowls

A loud voice came out of the smoky temple and commanded the angels to pour out their seven bowls of wrath. The first angel hopped to it and poured his bowl of nasty all over the land. People wearing the mark of the beast suddenly broke out in festering sores that made herpes seem like a mere pimple plague. The second angel poured out his bowl onto the sea and the contents turned into blood, dead blood, which is a clotty, brownish thing.
Every living thing in the sea died. The already dead things in the sea remained as they were. The third angel poured his bowl of goodies into the rivers and streams with the same blood and death results. An angel not affiliated with the bowl carriers, but, in fact the head man in charge of earth’s waters popped up and said, “Your judgments are just, you who are were and will be the Holy One.” Everyone knew him to be a bit of a suck-up, but we listened as he further explained what he meant. “They have shed the blood of your people and your prophets, so getting blood to drink sounds fair to me.” Up at the altar another voice rang out saying “Here, here. I hear that God Almighty, you are just so darn just in your judgments I don’t know what else to say.” He was a bit of a suck-up too. Personally I was thinking about all the creatures like fish and lobsters in the sea and lakes and stuff that hadn’t done a darn thing, but were now pushing up daisies. Didn’t seem fair to me, but then I might be missing the larger picture.

The fourth angel poured his bowl of yuck on the sun. The sun then went about scorching people with fire and even those wearing SPF 60 or more sun block got fully toasted. Like a bunch of idiots these people still refused to repent and went down cursing God to the last.

The fifth bowl carrying angel poured his bowl out onto the throne of the beast which was located at that time just east of Liverpool. The beast’s whole kingdom was plunged into darkness. The people there gnawed at their own tongues because others weren’t readily available and they swore like sailors at God for all their pain and runny, goopy sores and whatnot. These whackos wouldn’t repent either.

The sixth angel poured his bowl of bad news onto the great river Euphrates and its water dried up leaving a nice clear trail for the kings from the East to travel on. Just then, out of the mouth of the dragon who was still hanging around, I saw three evil spirits that looked like frogs – evil spirits can take some funky shapes – appear. One came from the dragon, one from the beast and the third from the mouth of the false prophet whose name might have been Dixon. These evil frog looking spirits were demons who went out into the world to gather up kings and armies for a big battle. “Look” one of them hollered, “I come like a thief! Blessed are those who keep their clothes on while they are awake. That way they won’t be naked which is what happens when you take your clothes off and people say shame shame shame on you.” What this was all about I have no idea, but I think this frog creature had a thing about nudity on public beaches.

When all the kings were rounded up, they came together in a place the Hebrews called Armageddon, which roughly means look out man all hell’s about to break loose. The seventh angel poured his bowl of heavenly delights into the air and a voice from the
temple cried out “It is done!” which is the Hebrews way of saying soup’s on. This was followed by the usual lightening flashes, peals of thunder and the generally disturbing rumble the Big Guy uses to announce He’s around. This time though, He followed it up with the worst earthquake that had ever occurred on earth. There was one like it in ’43 back on Mars, but nobody really cared about that as everyone there had already moved to earth and joined the Green Party. How bad was it? It was so bad even monks couldn’t sit still. The great city of Hoboken split into three parts and all the other cities around the world just collapsed, like the housing market in ‘08. God had a special memory of Babylon the Great and gave her a full cup of his wrath filled wine. Islands and mountains disappeared from the land and hundred pound hailstones fell on the people. These last made a hideous splat like noise that drowned out the curses being thrown God’s way. It was an ugly mess I tell ya, maybe even THE ugliest, although those people dying from open, festering sores was definitely a close second.

Chapter 17 Babylon, The Beast and the Bad Girl

One of the seven bowl carrying angels snuck up behind me and whispered in my ear that he would show me the punishment of the great prostitute who sits by many waters. He said that the kings of the earth had committed adultery with her and the people of the earth were intoxicated by the wine of her adulteries. I was a little sick of watching death and destruction, but I was also curious to see what a babe with this kind of reputation looked like. I mean she had to be smoking hot, right? I let the angel carry me away in Spirit, a trick I have no explanation for, and we ended up in the desert. As soon as we got there, I saw a woman riding on a scarlet beast that was covered with blasphemous names like Steinbrenner and Al Davis and it had seven heads and ten horns. The woman was in fact a stunner who could have graced the cover of Sports Illustrated or the Victoria Secret catalog. It was no wonder all those kings were so hot for her. She was dressed in purple and red and wore gold jewelry that glittered with pearls and precious stones. The kings
must have been very generous. She held a golden cup in her hands that was filled to the brim with abominable stuff like light beer and the filth of her adulteries. I wasn’t sure which was worse. A closer look gave me a glimpse of a small sign on her forehead. It read this way:
MYSTERY
BABYLON THE GREAT
THE MOTHER OF PROSTITUTES
AND THE ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH

Well it was a mystery, I could see that, but I’m no detective so I let it go. It did occur to me though, that maybe this chick just felt it paid to advertize.

I could see the woman was drunk. She was drunk from drinking the blood of God’s people, the followers of His kid Jesus. I’ve always been squeamish around blood suckers from mosquitoes to vampires, so I was little off-put by this realization. “Don’t be” the angel said to me. “I will explain the mystery of the woman and the beast she rides.” “Please do” I said “because I have no clue.”

“The beast, which you saw, once was, now is not, and will come up out of the abyss and go to his destruction. The people of earth whose names have not been written in the book of life from the creation of the world will be astonished when they see the beast, because it once was, now is not and yet will come.”

“You are not helping” I said. “I’m more confused than ever.”

“You have to have a decent IQ to understand this” the angel said. “If you don’t get it, I can’t help you.” Then he rambled on.

“The seven heads are the seven hills on which the woman sits.”

“She sits on hills?” I asked. “I thought she sits by the waters.” The angel paid no attention.

“They are also seven kings. Five have fallen, one is, the other has not yet come, but when he does, he has to stay awhile.”

Oh sure I thought, that’s nice and clear, but this time I didn’t say anything.

“The beast who once was and now is not is an eighth king who belongs to the seven, but is now going to his destruction.”

No doubt.

“The ten horns you see on the beast are ten kings who have not yet received their kingdoms, so let’s call them future kings. They will get their authority as kings for one hour and so will the beast.

Their sole purpose, in fact, will be to give their power to the beast, so that together they can all make war against the Lamb. This will be a futile endeavor, because the Lamb will kick all their butts as he is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords and the Be-all of the Be-alls. The beast and his king buddies have less chance than the Pats against the Bears in ’86. The waters you saw” he continued, “are people, whole multitudes of them, from all nations, speaking every language. Get it?”

“Sure” I said, but now I was just humoring him.

“The beast who was formerly the babe’s buddy, who let her ride on his back, will bring her to ruin. He’s going to strip her naked, burn her and eat her. God has put this idea into the beast’s head and what God says you gotta do, you gotta do. In exchange for this dirty work, God will let the beast rule until all God’s words are fulfilled. The woman you saw is the great city that rules over the kings of the earth. See what I’m saying?”

“Sure” I said. “She sits by water, she sits on hills and she’s a great city. I’m thinking San Francisco, right?”

“Close enough” the angel said, then flew away.

Chapter 18 Babalonian Lament

Another angel touched down from heaven and he was all aglow with splendor. He had a mighty voice like a great orator and sang out strong as a young Whitney Houston.

“Fallen fallen is Babylon the great.
Come see her crumble and don’t be late.
She’s housed bad dudes and evil ghosts
Demons and spirits and bad news hosts.
She’s been the haunt of dirty birds
And unclean animals that came in herds.
Nations have sipped her adulterous wine
Earthly kings have done her when they had time
Merchants got lucky and they all grew rich
Because G.W. Bush was a son-of-a
Former president.”

Then another heavenly voice sang out from heaven. This one was soulful and sounded a bit like Sam Cooke.

“Come out of her my people or you’ll share her sins.
Last one out’s the loser, first one out wins.
Get out now and avoid her plague
Rid yourself of demons drinking Haig and Haig.
Babylon’s loaded with sin, crime and debt.
The Big Guy remembers and won’t forget.
So pay her back bad for all her trouble
Pay her back hard and pay her back double.
Make her drink from her own bloody cup
Say the Lord is here and the jig’s now up.
Give her torment and give her grief
For the glory she’s stolen, she’s a lowdown thief.
In her heart she’s saying I’m still the queen
That she’s dodging the facts is easily seen
She says she’s not a widow and will never mourn
But when the shit hits the fan she’ll regret she was born.
Death, plague and famine will over make her.
Because God’s on his way and he’s a mean undertaker.”

The voice went on to say that when the earth’s kings saw the smoke from Babylon’s burning, they got all sentimental and nostalgic. They wept and mourned and remembered the good old days when Babylon was a primo party town. They stood off a ways to avoid the heat and sang,
“Woe to you, you great fun city, your doom has come and that’s downright shitty.”
The merchants chimed in with a chorus of their own weeping and mourning, because no one was left to buy their cargoes anymore. We’re talking the good stuff too. Stuff like gold, silver, jewels and pearls. Also autographed sporting goods and fine cloth like linen and satin and laces alive alive-o. And there was no one to buy ivory, wood, bronze, marble and your better plastics. Spices, incense, myrrh and frankincense would also go a begging not to mention wine, olive oil, flour and wheat, cattle, sheep, horses and other good things to eat. And there was no one to buy the slaves. What the heck were they going to do with all the unsold slaves? They will say to the city that all the fruit you longed for is gone. You are gonna miss the fruit. Especially the pears. We know how you loved the pears. All your luxury and splendor have vanished. No more fancy recliners for you. The merchants who sold all these things will stand off a ways, just like the kings did and they’ll weep and mourn, because, you know, weeping and mourning were the order of the day.
“Woe to you, you big fat city
Dressed in linens and looking pretty.
Wearing your gold, your jewels and pearls
Looking like a pimp or the Duke of Earl.
We are standing aside now, crying and booin
‘cause in one short hour you’ve been brought to ruin.”
Sea captains and sailors and all who earned their loot from the sea piped in as well. When they saw the smoke from the burning city, they threw dust on their heads which is a weird sea going custom no doubt, but when a guy doesn’t see land for awhile he can get a little overcome with a handful of the stuff. After that they began to, you guessed it, weep and mourn. They sang:
“Woe to you, you toddlin’ town
When we docked there, it was wealth we found.
But now in an hour you’ve been run aground.”
Then they looked skyward and sang:

“Rejoice over her you heavenly hosts.
Rejoice you apostles, saints and holy ghosts.
God has judged her, like he once judged you
You got off, but she’s going to rue.”

From these two songs you could tell the sailing folk had mixed feelings.

A mighty angel then appeared and I mean mighty. This guy had biceps the size of volley balls. He easily picked up a boulder big as millstone and threw it into the sea. This shut the sailors up so the angel could say:

“With such violence, Babylon is thrown down
Don’t look for her still, she can’t be found.
In her no music will ever be played
No worker in the city can practice his trade.
The sound of a millstone, that soft happy grind
Like lamps shining brightly, you just won’t find.
Brides and bridegrooms won’t skip down the aisle
‘cause there will be none there to flash you a smile.
Your magic spell led the nations astray
And now God’s price you’ve got to pay.”

Chapter 19 Threefold Hallelujahs for Babylon Biting the Big One

I thought maybe this whole episode was drawing to a close, but I was a wrongo writer breath again. A great multitude in heaven began roaring out their own tune.

“Hey God, hallelujah!
Power, salvation and glory to ya.
Your judgments have always been just and true
And taking down the shady lady was the thing to do.
She corrupted the earth and that was naughty
So you took revenge for her being so haughty.”

They followed this with more hallelujahs while they watched the smoke from Babylon rising higher and higher.

Then it was back to the elders and the four weird creatures who chimed in with their own hallelujahs.

This was followed by a voice from the throne – I mean it was getting hard for me to keep up, it was all going down so fast.- that said:

“Praise our God and all who can hear him
Whether big or small, you best learn to fear him.”

Then the multitude was back sounding like a waterfall with thunder clapping away above it, kind of like loud applause. They sang:

“Hallelujah our Lord God reigns,
Thanks to him for easing our pains.
Rejoice, be glad and give him glory
He’s a darn good guy and that’s our story.
For the wedding of the Lamb is about to start
His bride’s a hottie and she’s lookin’ smart.
She’s sporting fine linen, bright and clean
And by that let me tell you just what I mean.”

Then the multitude shouted out that “fine linen” stood for the righteous acts of God’s people, and it’s a good thing they did, because I would never have guessed it. Of course I was still a little bit boggled by the wedding announcement. The Lamb is getting hitched? Wow, I didn’t even know he was dating.

Then an angel said to me, “write this down,” which I did because I figure it wouldn’t be smart to defy guys with wings who can throw millstones into the sea and stuff like that. I wrote, “Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb.” And he added, “These are the true words of God” just so we would know he was quoting.

I fell down at his feet to worship him, because it seemed like the thing to do in that situation, but he said, “Get up you idiot. We are all servants and brothers and sisters who have a handle on Jesus testimony. Worship him, not me.” Then he gave me a look that seemed like it was saying, sheesh, we’re letting THIS guy be our chronicler?

Heaven was standing open now and I saw a white horse there whose rider is called Faithful and True. Yeah, I know it’s a weird name, but just go with it for a minute, because he has others. This is a guy who judges and makes war. He has the usual compliment of blazing fire eyes and a bunch of crowns. He has a name tattooed on him that nobody knows but himself, and I’m guessing it is probably something cooler than, say, Ed or Al. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood which has got to be uncomfortable and his name – see I told you – is Word of God. Okay that doesn’t exactly flow trippingly off the lips. I mean you might feel a little odd saying, hey Word of God can I have a, well, you know, word with you? Or something like that. The modern expression “Yo, Word” however, may have come from it. Anyway, the armies of heaven were lined up behind this guy and they were all riding white horses, of which apparently, there was an endless supply and they were dressed in not dipped in blood white linen and looking sharp. They were going to follow the main rider who had a sharp sword coming out of his mouth which looked bizarre, but was very effective in striking down nations. Someone said “He will rule them with an iron scepter,” but I’d heard that before. On the main dude’s robe and on his thigh - don’t ask me why - was written this name: KING OF KINGS AND LORDS OF LORDS and it was all in caps just like it’s shown here.

Then I saw an angel standing in the sun, a hot spot if ever there was one, who cried out in a loud voice to all the birds that were flying around the neighborhood. “Come, gather together for the great supper of God, so that you may feast on the flesh of kings, generals, horses and riders, rich men, poor men, beggar men and thieves. Some of the birds were vegetarians that didn’t have the stomach for this sort of thing, so they just booked and flew south for the winter. A thing they’ve been doing ever since.

The next weird event I witnessed, was the beast and all the kings of the earth and their armies lined up to take on the white horse riders. The battle didn’t last long. The beast was quickly captured along with a false prophet who had performed some magic tricks and deluded the people who were marked by the beast and worshipped him. These two ne’er-do-wells were heaved into a lake of burning sulfur and that was the nasty end to them. All the remaining bad guys were slain by the sword-in-mouth guy and at battle’s end, the meat eating birds chowed down on their remains. Some of them probably got too fat to fly.

Chapter 20 Sentenced to a Thousand Years.

I saw another angel swoop down from heaven carrying a key to the Abyss, which is a kind of bottomless pit. He was also lugging a real sturdy chain. He seized the dragon, that ancient old serpent aka the devil, aka, Satan and bound him with the chain. After that he threw the wily old snake into the Abyss and sealed it tighter than a rich man’s purse. This was to keep him from spreading his evil BS among the nations for a thousand years. After that, well, he could be set free, but only for a little while.

I also saw thrones on which were seated those who had been given authority to judge.
One of them was named Judy. And I saw the souls of the people who had been beheaded, because they were adherents to God’s word. The souls still had their heads and I was glad to see that. Quick as a wink they all came back to life heads intact and ruled with our boy JC for the next thousand years. Everyone else who was dead did not come back to life until after the thousand years had passed. The first group of zombies, I mean reborns, were part of the first resurrection and when they died a second time, it didn’t really take and they all became priests for another thousand years. The second group of back-from-the-deads didn’t fare as well, but they did make a few bucks as extras in George Romero movies.

When the thousand years are over, I was told, Satan will be released from his prison and turned loose to go do that voodoo that he does so well. Not being a smart guy with a long memory, he will once again round up from Gog and Magog an army who in number are like grains of sand from the beach. In other words a shit load. They will march across the earth and surround the city where God’s people camp out. They will shout things like “Gotcha” and “Now what are you going to do?” because with all their minions they will be pretty confident they have the upper hand. Some people just never learn. Fire will then rain down from the sky and all those troops will be turned into charcoal briquettes before you can say Jack Robinson or I told you so. The devil himself will be
rounded up and tossed into the same burning sulfur where the beast and the prophet who said the Pats were a lock against the Giants in ’08 Super Bowl and other false things were par boiling and in big pain. The three of them will be tormented there forever and ever which is, as you know, quite a long time.

Then I saw a great white throne and Him who was seated on it. I say “Him” because the name escaped me. It’s been a long day. The earth and the heavens wanted to flee from his presence, but there was really no place for them to go. Then everyone who had ever died, good guy or bad, was brought back to stand in front of the throne. Take it from me, that was a lot of people and they made a line longer than for free food. Books were opened and read, because reading is one way to pass the time while standing in line. One book, The Book of Life, was opened and if your name was in that one you had it made. The rest of the people were judged by what was written about them in the other books. Dead people were risen up from the sea, Hades, cemeteries and corner stones of mafia constructed buildings and they were all judged by what they had done while they were alive. If a person’s name was not in The Book of Life, he waited around until he turned up in one of the other books. After that he was thrown into a lake of fire. This was called the second death. As one after another condemned deado was thrown into the fire, a celestial voice could be heard hollering loudly, “He’s outa here and he ain’t coming back.”

Chapter 21 Heaven and Earth, The Replacement Parts

Right after the last sinner went down in the blaze saying, “I didn’t mean it, really,” I saw a new heaven and a new earth; the old versions having just sort of blipped out. The new one had no sea and that, I thought, was a little weird. I saw the Holy City, Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven, sent by God and it was gussied up like a new bride. A voice rang out from the throne which had magically stayed with us when the old heaven and earth took a powder. This voice cried out, “Look, God’s dwelling place is now with us! It looks like He’s going to come down and live among us! Alrighty then! There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain! All that stuff is over for good!” I don’t know whose voice that was, but he was clearly an optimist.

The guy on the throne said, “I am making everything new” and it was clear to me who he was. He told me to write down his next words because they were trustworthy and true. Like I didn’t know that already. He said, “I am the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. If you are thirsty, I will give you water from the spring of Life, no charge. Bottled, though, will cost a few bucks. Everyone who is victorious over evil in its many forms like wearing pin stripes will inherit all this good stuff. I’ll be their God and they
will be children and my tinker toys. But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, the people who turn on their TVs first thing in the morning, the black magic women, the idolaters, people who don’t like cats or dogs and all liars, especially writers of commercials, will be tossed into the fiery lake of burning sulfur for their second death. Good riddance to them.”

One of the seven angels with the seven bowls of plague - remember them? - came to me and said, “C’mon Pencil Pusher, I’ll show you the bride of the lamb. The Bride of
Frankenstein was one of my favorites, so I went along hoping it was a kind of sequel. He moved me through time and space in what they liked to call the “Spirit” and we ended up on a tall mountain where I saw Jerusalem being beamed down from heaven or a UFO. It was lit up like Vegas on a weekend, clear as crystal. It had high walls with twelve gates and twelve angels serving as doormen. There were three gates at each compass point, East, West, North and the other one, and on them were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel. On the twelve foundations were written the names of the twelve apostles of the Lamb. The angel who was guiding me had a measuring rod made of gold, which, as you can imagine, was really heavy. He set about measuring the city, the gates, the walls and I wrote down the measurements as he shouted them out. Jerry was a big city with tall walls made of jasper and encrusted with jewels. Each of the twelve foundations was made of a different kind of jewel, but I won’t name them because, you know, lists get tiresome. Just take my word on this, they were circus act spectacular! Each gate was made of a single really damn big pearl, so you get the idea. Imagine how big the oysters were that could produce a gate sized pearl. You had to be a brave diver, not to mention strong, to bring one of those puppies back. Yeehah! And of course, no doubt, it goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway, the streets were paved with gold.

Okay, I was getting it now. The Lamb was marrying a city. Hey, why not? When your pops is the Big Guy you can pretty much do as you like.

I went back to looking around and noticed there was no temple in the city. God and the Lamb were its temple. The city didn’t need no stinking regular temple or even the moon or sun. God and his kid the Lamb lit it up like a many watted light bulb. I’m talking way bright, and it shone twenty-four seven. The gates to the city were always open, but nothing impure could enter through them nor anyone shameful, deceitful or wearing a NY Yankee ball cap. Only those fat cats whose names were written in the Lamb’s Book of Life could come dancing through the doors. If, however, they were caught thumbing their noses at the sinners outside, they could be crossed off the list.

Chapter 22 Eden’s Back and This Time No Snakes

The angel then pointed out to me the river made up of the water of life. It was nice and clear and was flowing down the main street of the Lamb’s bride, the city named Jerry for short. On each side of the river a Tree of Life was growing which made sense what with all that light and clean water nourishing it, and was dropping crops of fruit, a different type each month; no small trick if you know what I’m saying. The leaves of the Tree were medicinal and used to heal sick or wounded nations. You just make a really big poultice and then…nevermind, I’ve gone off the subject.

As I said, there was no real temple here, but God and the Lamb do have a throne strategically placed and a staff of competent servants to look after them. The servants will all have His name stamped on their foreheads, ouch! and they will always be visible, lit up as they are day and night. The Big Guy’s reign will then go on forever and also ever.

The angel swore that everything I had seen was trustworthy and true. The Big Guy had sent him to show me, so I could tell everyone what would soon take place. “Look, I am
coming soon and bless you all who keep up the good work of this scroll’s prophesy” were his exact words, more or less.

Now remember, it is me, John, last name, ah, let’s go with Smith for now, who heard and saw all these things. I fell down at the feet of the angel to worship him, but he yanked me up just like the other angel did and told me to worship Mr. Big, not him. These angels were nothing if not consistent. Then he said, “Don’t bother to seal up your manuscript for the time is near. Let the wrong doers continue to do wrong and the good doers continue to good. And let the indifferent do that too. Oh, and let the holy continue to be holy which is a whole ‘nother category of good.”

Then I heard the Lamb’s voice again and it said, “I’m coming pronto and I’ve got my list and I’m checking it twice. I am First, Last, A through Z, Beginning, Middle, End and like that. So blessed are they who wash their robes, because I like clean robes. They can snack on the Tree of Life inside the city. The black magic art dudes, the perverts, the murderers, the lawyers, the golf cheaters, and anyone else who practices falsehood, will
have to pitch their tents outside the walls. Tough luck for them. I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give to John this testimony for the churches. I am the root, I am the walrus, I am the offspring of David – don’t tell Joseph – and the bright Morning Star. The Spirit and the Bride say to you “Come!” Let all those who are thirsty come and get a free gift and if you act now I will double your order. And here’s a hint: the free gift is The Water of Life.

He then followed up this happy note by saying, “I warn anyone who hears the words of the prophesy on this scroll that if you add anything to them, God will drop the seven plagues described here all over you head. And anyone who deletes anything from what we have told John will not get his share of The Tree of Life and they will also be booted out of the Holy City and have to mingle with lawyers and such.”

After that he said, I’m coming soon, God’s grace on ya. Amen

The End.

Afterword from the translator: It’s not looking good for me, is it?

More Big Fun...For Me

Big Fun, the best kind of fun if you ask me and why wouldn't you, can be found in the strangest of places. No, #1 and #2 sons, I'm not talking about those kind of places. What I'm talking about is technology. Okay it's not really a place, it's a kind of thing. A spooky kind of thing that I usually try to avoid because there are concepts there like the wheel that just baffle me. Another example is my new computer mouse. It has no wires. I'm talking no, zero, zilch wires! How can that be? Fortunately for this just recently emerged from a cave person, I have several friends and relatives who do not run and hide when confronting technology, but rather, embrace it and make it a friend. One of them, one of my Favorite Five, the inimitable Special K, waved her technical magic wand over my blog and linked it to Google Analytics which allows me to see from whence my readers are visiting. Alrighty then and neato! I added the neato because it is an expression used by giddy twelve year olds and that's how the Monkeymind feels today. Neato.

Who would have guessed that readers as far away as India were tuning in. Okay, those were probably spammers, but the three from three different cities in Canada surprised me as I only knew of one for sure prior to the analysis. How's it going Alberto? There are also people from the states of Tennessee, Georgia, Arizona and parts of Texas that I can't account for. How yall doin'? In Colorado, New York, Maryland and California I expected to find perusers because I have family in those states and they have always been good about humoring me. There were lots of hits from Panama, of course, but what surprised me was the number; far more than anywhere else. So thanks neighbors, for tuning in and that includes my vecinos in Panama City.

Also technologically new from Special K, is the "Donate" icon up in the corner by the picture of the Monkeymind being emptied. This is there for those of you who want to help keep the Monkeymind in doughnuts. I was going to say bananas, but Donate for Doughnuts is catchier. So catchy, in fact, that I have made Donate for Doughnuts, my newest Buddhist mantra. What I do is I drop down into the lotus position and then I chant donate for doughnuts repeatedly until I achieve peace of mind or have to go to the bathroom, whichever comes first. Then, of course, I use my handy cell to call a chiropractor to get me out of the damn lotus position because that's a really painful way to sit.

I am also giddy (If you chant giddy giddy repeatedly, don't be surprised if your cat shows up.) about The Masters golf tournament starting today. I really enjoy the tension build up from Thursday to Sunday that the major tournaments inspire. Tiger will be there making his first golf playing appearance of the year. His presence these days always reminds me of Woody Allen who once said, "Love between two people is a beautiful thing." He pauses and then, "Between five it's fantastic!"

Caio, amigos, and talwaygo.

Sports Roundup

March Madness comes to an end in early April with an "Instant Classic" between Duke and Butler and You Were There. You weren't? So sorry. Let me tell you what happened. With the clock showing three seconds, Butler forward Gordon Haywood pulls down the rebound of a missed foul shot and dribbles quickly to half court where he launches a Hail Mary heave the strikes the backboard, ricochets around the rim and then drops softly through the net for a three pointer that gives Butler the upset win over mighty Duke, 62 to 61. What's that you say? The shot missed? C'mon, don't tell me that. It took me all night and several consciously directed dreams to make the game come out my way. Ah well, you can't win 'em all and I did get a Sox win over the Yankees to start the looooong baseball season.

Tiger Woods press conference was a snoozer. I found myself wishing that the room was full of British tabloid journalists asking the questions and not the mainstream U.S. sports media. I mean, "Tiger, how's the knee?" was not exactly the probing type of query I was looking for. "Yo Tig, I've got you down as having 17 girlfriends. For the record, is that the right number and of them, which one would you say was the most, ah, er, proficient at what they do?" is more along the lines of what I wanted to hear, but then, as you know, the warp of the Monkeymind can take it just about anywhere. #1 Son aka (among the family) The Duke of Disgusting, would also have been a good choice as an interlocutor. I can hear him now. "So Tiger, did Nike help supply your wood or was that strictly the girl's job?" Bada ding bong ding. Swoosh.

On the distaff side of golf you will be surprised to learn a Korean named pick-one-from-many Kim did not win the ladies' first Major of the year. Nope, the winner was Taiwanese. I'm told there is a difference. To offset this imbalance in nature, Anthony Kim won last week's men's run-up to The Masters. Anthony, however, is from South California and not South Korea. I'm told there is a difference there too.

But enough about sports, let's talk about bicycle racing. Ha!

Just kidding.

More news Because I'm Saving My Creativity For Other Things.

Well here I am blogging when I should, perhaps, be doing Other Things. Not to worry, I tell myself, I'll get to every Thing in due time.

Yesterday's Boquete.org site had a posting from Panama's President something Martinelli. I can't remember his first name. It was very formally written and stated that all immigrant residents of Panama would have to learn Spanish and pass both a written and oral exam to prove they had done so. (I'm also betting that you would have to know Martinelli's first name!) Responses to the posting included a lot of "Oh my Gods!" and other outbursts of panic. I thought to myself (as if I could think to someone else) that I was sure I could pass the written test, but the oral exam would depend on who was doing the testing and how rapidly they spoke. Of course I might end up living alone after the deportation of Woowoo Charly and RTGFKAR. The posting was a hoax, an April Fool's gag, but I found myself thinking the whole thing might be a good idea. With a little tutoring and cramming, Woowoo and RTGF would make it through, but all those "Why don't they learn to speak English like us?" ugly Americans would be sent packing and I'm all for that.

I finished reading "South of Broad" yesterday and concluded that it was a perfect example of why I read in the first place. To wit, I read in hopes of every now and then stumbling upon a book as intellectually, emotionally, and... something else, spiritually perhaps, satisfying as "South of Broad." That said, I am also aware of the "different strokes for different folks" concept, so if you read the book because of my recommendation and don't like it...I'm sorry...for you. (Ha!)

And this from the No Reason To Mention It But I Am Going To Anyway Department: Our dogs wake me up every morning between six and six thirty. I only mind on those mornings when their fussing rips me from a good dream. I love a good dream.

Damn You Fred

I've been reading the other Panama gringo bloggers that I know of and every one is flat jump up hallelujah happy to be here. There is some concern about the gringo man who was murdered in nearby Dolega a few days ago, but it doesn't seem to have dampened the enthusiasm for Panamanian life that is shared by, well, most of us anyway. I was feeling good, even privileged, to be in residence here until I clicked on the Fredoneverything.net site that is one of my favorites. Fred is an ex-pat living in Mexico who I find to be an original thinker and truly creative writer. Fred is not, however, the most optimistic of bloggers. By that I mean the sun apparently never shines on Fred's neighborhood. His column today, called "Why Mexicans Hate Gringos" was disturbing in that much of what he says could apply to the Panamanian/Gringo relationship as well. The dozen or so Panamanians that Woowoo, RTGFKAR, and I know well, I'm convinced, like us and find us good people. I doubt, however, that we are representatives of the average gringo attitude here. We live very low profile lives among both the Panamanian and gringo communities. We try to fit in quietly, unobtrusively, recalling Star Trek's prime directive, "First, do no harm." We don't want to change Panama in any way that Panamanians don't want for themselves. Few of them, however, know this about us, so I have to wonder as I walk through Panamanian streets, if the average Panamanian thinks I am an average gringo, which is to say according to Fred, (more or less) a rich asshole. I hope not, but I fear that it is perhaps true.

(And now I have bummed myself completely out. Or is it Fred's fault?)

(For those of you who know me and find the words "quiet" and "unobtrusive" a surprise in my description of myself, know that, for the most part, these descriptions are now true. Of course I can still be affable and out-going when the occasion is called for, but the difference is that I no longer seek out those occasions. I am content where I sit.)

And now to erase Fred's inflicted bummer, I will go read more of Conroy's "South of Broad", but not too much, I don't want it to be over in a hurry. After that, I will contemplate tomorrow's golf, a sport, I doubt seriously, Fred plays and, I hope, never writes about.

A Wrap Up

"Beach books, books defined as light, entertaining easy reads are no doubt fun and each year I peruse my share of them. Elmore Leonard, Dick Francis and a host of others grace my bookshelves while they await their turn to be exchanged for, usually, more of their kind at The Bookmark Bookstore in Dolega. The books I keep though, are the books that touch something deeper than my ordinary pleasure levels. Books that sink in, remain and add to the sum of what I am. Books wherein I find words in combination so beautiful, clever, and original that they tap into my subconscious and release the pure joy that is housed there. Books, books, books, that enrapture. And so it is with Pat Conroy's latest, "South of Broad" brought to me by daughter K on her recent visit. One hundred pages in and I was looking about for the proverbial toothpicks to prop open my drooping eyelids as night and sleepiness conspired to shut off my consciousness. No matter, this is a book I don't wish to hurry through. Raptures are even better when they can be prolonged.

K and J flew out Friday morning, back to NYC where their real lives waited to be continued. They used an airplane to depart although I'm not sure one was necessary. They were already flying on a cloud of new love. After leaving them at the airport, Woowoo Charly and I drove wordlessly to breakfast at the Grand National Hotel. We were both lost in our own thoughts; missing the lover's happy energy that we got to share for a week. We were a little down, but not awfully so. Our own lives and love do not permit the blues for long.

Well, not the real ones, anyway. I'm singing you done left me baby because all of my blind draw team picks for the NCAA basketball championship have gone bust and I am out of the pool. Each of the four other participants in the draw, Bookworm Bonnie, Redneck Larry, RTGFKAR and Woowoo Chuck, none of whom cares a whit about college hoops, has a team still in the hunt. Is this fair, I ask you, is this fair?

One further question I have for my readers: While clicking through photos of K and J's visit, I noticed that several of them featured and old guy with a large growth beneath his chest. My question then is, where do I go to get my lips sewn shut and my stomach stapled. Or is there some other way?

Dog Power

Shortly after receiving our hugs and kisses from Olga the proprietress of Punto del Encuentro and polishing off a wide assortment of breakfast fare, Special K started feeling the first symptoms of a migraine headache, nausea and tunnel vision. We were on our way to B and L's house to check out Bookie Bonnie's impressive jardin (garden)when this occurred and, upon arrival, K engaged in a quick lay-down to head off the impending mind melter. Lying in the shade on a chaise while the rest of us did this and that, K was joined by B and L's dog Trudy, a Basset hound of goodly proportions, who took it upon herself to come to K's aid. She hopped up on the chaise, a thing she had never done before and no small feat considering her short legs and ample girth, and began working her dog healing magic. It's an invisible sort of thing with touching and staring being the only techniques clear to we humans, but it's tried and true - in this case tried and Trudy - and in no time at all, K was feeling better; enough so, that later that day we walked the grounds of El Explorador and ran errands downtown with no after affects of the migraine. Nice.

Paradise Gardens, no, not the one with Eve, apples and serpents, our original destination and not our original sin, we learned is closed on Wednesdays. It is our new goal for today, Thursday. We'd bring Trudy along for emergencies, but dogs aren't allowed at P.G., which is an animal rescue center, so that makes no sense if you ask me. Go ahead, I dare ya, ask me.

We had dinner at a new restaurant, The Rock, that had, in a previous incarnation, been destroyed by a flood a couple of years ago. The restaurant has been elegantly restored and we all enjoyed our meals. K's novio (boyfriend) and I had the Fettuccine Alfredo. We both agreed that carbs were our "comfort food" and, to prove his point, J had a side of mashed potatoes. This from a guy who is lean as a whip and on a good day might weigh a 150 pounds. Curiously, during the meal, J sat quietly and lost weight while I moved about animatedly and gained ten pounds. I wonder if Trudy could help me with this problem.

Beaching

It rained yesterday so we headed to the beach. I know that sounds like a strange plan, but here in the land of milk and honey...make that coffee and bananas, if you don't like the weather, drive fifteen minutes in any direction and you will likely find some that is different. At the beach it was warm and sunny.

We parked alongside a restaurant in Las Olas (The Waves) situated just up the beach from a large hotel. Between the open air (roofed, but wall-less), very throw-back Panamanian restaurant (La Costena - put a squiggle over the "n" to make the pronunciation co-stain-ya) and the large modern hotel, lay an expanse of vacant lot featuring, if featuring is the word I want...probably not, scruffy weed-like plants and brown sand. I suspect that both the hotel and the restaurant appreciated the separation.

We lunched there after I had written our orders in Spanish for the waitress/proprietor. Three of us, RTGFKAR, Woowoo Charly and I, had corvina, which is not a new Chevrolet model, but rather, a very nice tasting white fish. They were served with their heads on which I always find somehow disconcerting, particularly when the meal is finished and you look at a plate that contains only the fish's head and its skeleton. Joe had a serving of fried chicken that looked good and both he and I were glad the chicken wasn't served with its head intact. Kira had salad. All the plates included rice and lacked only beans from being a "tipico" Panamanian repast. They were out of beans.

After the meal, J and K headed for the water's edge to fool around, cool off and look like happy lovers, which they are. RTGFKAR, Woowoo and Yerstruly dodged the sun and took comfort under a shady waterside palapa. We sipped cool beers, watched the surf showing off ten foot waves and discussed Super Colliders, Big Bang and String Theory, Quantum Physics and trying to "wrap your mind around" such things. Okay, I didn't have much to bring to the conversation, nothing at all really, but then I was too busy contemplating how hard it would be to walk to the horizon.

Eventually it was time to go, so we did.

At home, we patio-ed some more and Joe played my guitar for awhile singing us a little John Denver, James Taylor and Joe Clark while I skimmed through the latest issue of "The Walking Dead" comic book that D and D had sent from NY. Thanks D and especially D.

Later we had a pile of sushi that J and I had picked up at the Tuesday Morning Gringo Meeting/Farmer's Market early that morning. The accompanying wasabi was so mind and sinus liberating that we were all actually able to "wrap our minds" around
Quantum Physics, Quarks and such, but we chose to use our expanded intellect to tell old family stories and laugh a lot instead. What the hell, we can always get more wasabi.

Today it is off to Olga's (La Punto De Encuentro) for breakfast with B and L and then on to Paradise Gardens. (Lot of things around here with the word paradise in their names.) After that? Maybe El Explorador.

There is no rain today. The sun is shine-ing. (Spelled correctly, shining, looks like it has something to do with the front of your lower leg.)

Hasta.

Making It Up As You Go Along

Shhhhh. It is so quiet this morning, the bird chatter that serves as white noise to our Boquete lives sounds riotous, even raucous. Hold it down out there! The dogs have been up and about for an hora y media and have not yet barked. Small miracles abound. K and J and Woowoo Charly are sleeping-in and RTGFKAR didn't make his first appearance in the kitchen until 7:30. Here at the keyboard I'm typing as softly as I can to keep the key clatter down. Shhhh everybody, shhhh.

There are darkening clouds to the north which may change our plans for the day. That's alright, they weren't hard, fast and fixed to begin with. We will just have to play it by ear, which works for me because I don't know how to read the musical notes, signs and symbols of life anyway. To my way of thinking life isn't a planned orchestration to begin with. It's Jazz. "Lead on MacDuff, and damned be he who first says, "Hold, enough!"

Kira and Joe flew into lovely and talented Daveed at 6:30 Friday eve. We loaded their small, sensibly packed bags into the car and headed home. By the time we got there, it was dark, so Joe, making his first trip here, was unable to see the spectacular landscape that surrounds us. To use a couple of Woowoo Charly's favorite lines, "it cracks me up" and "makes me giggle" to see the expressions on the faces of first time visitors when they wander onto the patio in the early morn and look about. Even if they don't say it aloud, you can see the "Wow! in their eyes. Joe was no exception.

We coffeed awhile out there and then drove to Cafe Lerida up above Alto Kiel for a late breakfast. This is another landscape painter's dream location that features good food and another "Can you believe this!" kind of view. After breakfast we took the loop around Baja Mono to see the abandoned castle and nifty waterfall. When we returned home, RTGFKAR set off for the last day of the Daveed Fair. K, J, Chuck and I just hung out. You know, good talks, laughs and for K and J, some sun. J is one of those Insta-tan people. We watched him turn from pale gringo to darkened local in a matter of a few hours. Amazing.

We all piled into RTGFKAR's car around six - he had returned and said the Fair was a disappointment, all the exhibitors were packing up and it was Daveed hot, temperatures in the nineties - and drove the short trip, dodging kids and makeshift soccer goals in the road, to Il Pianista Restaurant. There we had terrific Italian food and over-priced wine. Doris, the proprietor, was her usual patient self, as I ordered this latter. My usual banter goes something like this. "We would like a bottle of dirt cheap wine, but not just any dirt cheap wine, we want your FINEST dirt cheap wine." What we got cost twenty-two bucks a bottle and we had two. I damn near had a heart attack when I saw the price on the check. Next time its beer, or better yet, water. Makes me wonder, though, what the expensive vino costs.

Another hour or so on the patio watching the dogs romp and night fall, then early to bed and book. Somewhere just past ten.

Life is Jazz I tell ya, Jazz. And ya just gotta love it.

The News in Sports

My last posting, the Lazarus story, was a clever idea, but I sure didn't write it very well. Someone once said that the secret to writing is rewriting and I agree with that even though I seldom do it here on Monkeymind. If I ever get around to doing a "Best Of", something I've been thinking about, I'll clean up (as in rewrite) my selections.

Broncos trade for Brady Quinn. I can't tell you how thrilled I am, because if I did I'd be lying. Now I grant you that Brady Quinn in an excellent Irish name and if the Broncos needed an excellent Irish name, this would be a good trade even though they gave up Payton Hillis another excellent name of unknown derivation although it sounds English to me. No, what the Broncos need is an excellent throwing arm attached to a stout body with quick feet and a quicker mind. To put aside the latest rumors, I will tell you that it is not true that I have been tendered an offer. Unlike Bret Favre, a decidedly funky name, I would not come out of retirement even if I had been. On the other hand, if I am offered tender, well then, I would have to give it some further thought.

But football is of no import right now. This is March and the Madness is upon me, a thing that has nothing to do with my St. Patrick's Day birthday, (Okay maybe just a little) but rather, the roundball I so dearly love. I have no predictions apart from this one: a team featuring blue in their school colors will win the NCAA Tournament. 'Nova is the team I have backed this entire season, but I think it is more likely that Duke, Kentucky or Kansas will cut down the nets at the end of the tourny. Of course, if I had it my way, Woford would shock the world and I don't even have a clue as to what colors they wear, I just like saying the name. Woford.

And, in the world of futbol, David Beckam blew out his Achilles and is flying to Finland for an operation. Who would have thunk that Finland would be a medical destination country? Are Finnish surgeons renowned around the globe? If so, it's news to me. Besides, to fix a torn Achilles tendon, shouldn't Greece be considered?

In other sports news, Tiger and baseball will return at about the same time. I'm finding it difficult getting excited about either. Must be the Madness.

Lazarus' Story

As Lazarus stepped through the Pearly Gates and into Paradise at a prematurely early age, his mind wandered momentarily back to his childhood and his encounter with a strange little boy. The boy was an ardent student of scripture and prophecy who was always too quick to hold forth on one thing or another with his holier than thou attitude. One day, Lazarus had enough of the boy's righteousness, more, in fact, than he could bear, so he stepped forward and gave the boy a sound thrashing. This was one little kid giving another his own personal "might makes right" philosophy. The kind of fight that happens everyday on schoolyards everywhere.

Lazarus shook the thought from his mind and looked around. The street before him was indeed paved with gold and running towards him upon that glistening road with smiles and open arms were all his loved ones who had gone before him. As they smothered him with their kisses and hugs of welcome, they told him of the many wonders he was about to experience, endless food of every variety, music, dance, wine and revelry, leisure without worry and even women if he so chose. Nothing of pleasure would ever be withheld and he was here for all eternity.

Lazarus took this all in with a feeling of tremendous awe and enormous gratitude, but his mind gave up one last thought of the strange boy he had known so long ago. I wonder, it pondered, where he is now?

And it was at this precise moment that Lazarus awoke to find himself in the dirty, poverty stricken hovel that was home to his life before death. He knew at once as he looked into the familiar eyes of the boy he knew in that distant past, that he would have to live a long and dreadful existence before he would ever walk through the Pearly Gates of Heaven again.

And now you know why Jesus resurrected Lazarus from the dead.

He was just getting even.



(This little story was inspired by a line from a Jim Harrison book, in which one of the characters inquires, more or less, (I'm too lazy to go find the actual quote) if the afterlife is such a good place, why did Jesus bring Lazarus back?)

This from a fellow blogger and acquaintance who lives in David. His gratitude mirrors mine.

Chiriquí Chatter (is the name of the blog.)

It’s A Wonderful Life

Mar 9th, 2010 by Don Ray

I was just reflecting today how fortunate I am. I arise every morning to a beautiful blue sky and birds chirping, the aroma of coffee and bacon in the kitchen and a new day to experience. It is like this at least 360 mornings out of the year. The other five days are even better.

I turn on the television and get news from the US and other parts of the world. I can sense the stress and pressures that exist in the location of the broadcasts, and yet at the moment, I feel very few of them.

Compared to many in the world, I am a wealthy man. Compared to many in the world, I am a pauper. However, I am a very contented person. I have good health, I have lots of love in my life. I have a few coins in my pocket at the end of the month. I eat well, feel great and worry little. What more can a person ask for.

You can’t take it with you, so having a lot more than you need won’t make you any happier. I know because I have had more and I wasn’t happier.

I try to do what I can to make my Panamanian host feel happy that I have moved here. I hope to be remembered as giving more than I received.

Panama is one place where no matter how much you have, it is probably more than many can even conceive of. That is why it is important to share a smile with those you meet. Giving the loose change to the grocery store bag boy is another way to say thank you God, for letting me be so lucky. There are many people in Panama that only work for tips and the bag boys are some of them.

I have now lived in Panama for over seven years. I feel like I understand Panama better. I feel like I understand life better. I feel like I understand me better. I feel like I have been given a real gift of being able to enjoy life to its fullest. I feel I am very very fortunate.

I am now going to go take my shower and move on to what the rest of the day brings me. I wish you all a wonderful day. Remember, smile at everyone you meet today. You will feel better and they will feel better.

It would also be a good time to tell those that you love, what a difference they make in your life. I think I will go do that now.

Huella Dactilar is Fun To Say and Banyo Beauty

Huella Dactilar is the name of a teenagers in trouble with ghosts and ghastlies movie I watched the other night. In English the title is Fingerprint. I wouldn't recommend streaking to your nearest video store to rent it, but if you should stumble across the film on the tube sometime, do have a look-see. (I need a rating system for my horror reviews, something along the lines of "I give this three bloody butcher knives out of five, or maybe small pictures of beheaded corpses. I'm open to suggestions.)

We went to a BIG party at a neighbor's house last night; catered, open bar, live music. One entire room of the house was dedicated to desserts. There were at least a dozen. I had samples of a few, the chocolate cake, the coconut cheese cake and the coconut cream pie. I spent long moments though, staring at all the others and remembering the days when I could have waded through plates of them and not gained a pound. Of course, in those days I could also play basketball for seven or eight hours at a time which, I'm told, has a tendency to keep one's weight in check. I had a few nice conversations at the party with semi-strangers, people I know a little but not well and one extremely entertaining moment.

I was chatting with Woowoo Charly and Bonnie the Bookie and asked them where the nearest bathroom was. "Right behind you" they said, pointing at a nearby door. There was a pale glow of light where the door met the floor, so I knocked tentatively and then tried the handle slowly before entering. The door was not locked. I entered and found myself in a small office sized room, not really noticing particulars as I was headed to the bathroom that I could see a few paces ahead. Its door was open and I started toward it when a beautiful young woman came around the corner from inside the bathroom pulling up a shoulder strap of her evening gown. (A few people at the party were dressed "to-the-nines and some even to the tens.) I was taken, as they say, aback. She was not. She gave me a big, sexy (to my way of thinking) smile as she walked past me saying, "Can I help you with something?" in English. I was too busy sputtering, "Whoops, lo siento, sorry" and the other inanities a person spouts when caught off guard to throw out a snappy comeback. I did turn to watch her walk through the office door and out into the crowd where I could see Woowoo Charly and Bonnie grinning at my surprise. I wasn't really embarrassed - I'm too old for that - but I was a bit off kilter. (I'm not really sure what kilter is but I could tell mine was out of plumb.) I think, in retrospect, what got me was the young woman's not just composure, but seemingly getting a kick out of the situation. I can still see that smile. She was either just messing with the old guy or trying to make his day. Either way works for me. It was a fun, funny, moment.

Keeping You Posted

Gully is not a word meaning shallow trench - these days - but rather tough, macho or even brutal. It can also be used to mean genuine as in "keep it gully bro." This is one of those things you need to know if you travel with a hyphy, (amped up), hip posse of wankstas (pretend gangsters) like I do.

I realize that most of you, having jobs and families and such are not always able to keep up with we fast paced geezers, so I try to put in the latest stuff I've become aware of in an effort to keep you abreast of "wass happenin dude."

And speaking of Dude, I learned last night or maybe it was the night before, that Jeff Bridges is up for an Academy Award. I'm sure this is for his portrayal of Dude in the Big Lebowski, but the Academy, always slow to recognize greatness, will probably nominate him for some other flick. The Big Lebowski is among my favorite movies because I was just one more acid "trip" from having it been my life story. Most people don't get to see what would have happened if they had taken a different path, but right there up on the big screen was my other could-have-been life. I certainly like the life I've chosen better, but I have to admit that being "The Dude" would definitely have had its moments. So I say Academy Members - because I know you are reading this - give the statue to Jeff. He played me better than I could have done it myself.

Golf

When Tony and Carm retired, they, like most new Jerseysians sought a warmer climate. Florida was already too crowded and, besides, many, of Tony's less than friendly associates did business there. Not wanting to take on the challenge of a foreign language, Tony and Carm decided to head west. Tony had taken up golf quite seriously in his later years, so a place where there were lots of courses was a prerequisite. Phoenix, Arizona is where they finally touched down and began their new lives. Phoenix had dozens of golf courses within easy driving distance of their scaled down, but still impressive domicile.

A couple of quiet years went by and Tony, who had been a "mover-and-shaker" in his day, was feeling restless and decided he needed to get a piece of the local action. He called up a few of his old goombadas and proposed a plan. Several of these good fellas were also golfers, so they jumped at the chance to be part of Tony's latest brain-storm. They were somewhat hesitant about the risk of a start up plan involving for them, a fresh type of occupation; one they knew nothing about. Most of them had at one time or another been in the business of removing garbage and, uh, occasionally other things, so when Tony proposed that they merge their old knowledge with their new love of golf, they all quickly chipped in the monies necessary to make the deal happen.

And this is why... this very weekend, if you tune in your area's CBS station at the right time, you can watch "The Waste Management Phoenix Open Golf Tournament." Tony and Carmelo Soprano and friends are keeping a lower profile these days, so you probably won't catch them on camera. If, however, you are in the neighborhood, you can stop by the Bada Bing Hospitality Tent and have a glass of Chianti on the house. One word of advice though. Don't say anything negative about Tony's putting.

And the girls dancing with the tent poles? Leave them alone, they're working.


Scroll down.



Best line of the week: From RTGFKAR. In a discussion of right-to-life vs. choice, he said, "Life starts at deception."

Out-Of-Shape

Listening to a lot of blues lately. To my mind, Buddy Guy is THE guy. (But of course all you people under the age of 100 are now going to send me the names of blues people I've never heard of. "Doc, haven't you listened to Fat Matt the Rat's latest CD, "If these Are Hard Times How Come My Baby Ain't Moved My Stimulation Package Fo Weeks?")

There is this expression "out-of-shape" which doesn't mean someone or something has morphed into a completely different configuration. Usually. There are those exceptions in nature like the caterpillar to butterfly, the lycanthrope or even the wife whose wedding anniversary has been forgotten and a demon takes her place, but generally out-of-shape means a familiar state of physical conditioning is lacking in a given individual. I am, I confess, that individual. I am dreadfully, morbidly, grotesquely out-of-shape. Even my shape is out-of-shape, although that has been in evidence for some years now and concerns me less than my lack of conditioning. I realize that four months of doing next to nothing and sometimes not even getting close enough to nothing to be called next to it, can lead to the aforesaid out-of-shape. The question I now pose, is what to do about it?

What I want to do is go to the Broncos Training Center and begin the two-a-days that jump start their pre-season routine. This works so well for them that they are actually able to play for a few games. What I would really like to do after that is to participate in their Pre-Playoffs routine, but apparently they don't have one. Unfortunately, it is the wrong time of year for football, so I need an alternative plan. The fact that typing that last sentence caused me to breathe hard and then grab a quick nap are the sort of things that hinder my recovery and have to be taken into consideration when devising my get into shape strategy. I need some really physically awesome personal trainer like Arnold or The Rock or Richard Simmons to motivate me into Dancing to the Oldies and not just with them. (I tried dancing to Buddy Guy but learned that most blues sound much better when sitting down and drinking than actually standing up and milling about, so that didn't work at all.) My only attempts thus far at actual physical activity is dog walking and driving to get a pizza. The dog walking has been useful in that the pups seem happier and more fit. Mostly though, I just get tired. The pizza drive has not been helpful so far, but I don't think I've tested the program long enough. I think a few more years at least are called for to give it an honest evaluation as a physical conditioner.

But not to worry readers, I am not the kind of guy to let a thing like this remain unattended to. In the next few days I am going to research every last bite of material regarding this out-of-shape phenomena on the Internet and then... read every bit of it. That, I think, should solve the problem. I might even read it every day for a while, but I'll want to be very careful with that. I mean, I wouldn't want to get too buff. Those lumpy guys are just out-of-shape in a different way. If you ask me, they need to get as dedicated to change as I am.

Anyway, whatever happens I'll let you know. Right now though, I'm going to put on some Fat Matt the Rat and get on down.