Luke I.M. Yafaddah

The third book of the New Testament rendered readable and...a bit more.



The Book of Luke I. M. Yafaddah


Translation from the original, Greek, Hebrew, Romulan, and Elvish provided by Doc Walton. (Translator’s note: The Book of Luke is a long letter from Luke to a friend.)

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Introduction

Many have undertaken to write an account of the haps and mishaps and particularly the fulfillment of predictions by eyewitnesses to what occurred back in the day as regards to The Word. As far as I am concerned it is just so much Gobbledegoop, my dear Theophilis, son of Acidophilus, that I am going to put down, instead, an orderly account of what happened from the beginning. Because, Theo Old Sock, I am, as you know, OCD. I’ve investigated everything little thing, fact checked, and now know the whole scoop about all we were taught except for Algebra which still eludes me.

Okay, here goes.

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Chapter 1. The Birth of a Baptist Named John is Predicted. (Which is not exactly shocking when you consider how many people name their boys John. Odds are good one of them will be Baptist.)

In the time of Herod, the king of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah who everybody called Zek for short. He belonged to a gang named the Abijah dedicated to good deeds and bowling on Friday nights. Zek and his wife, Liz, were righteous in the sight of God and almost everybody else, and they obeyed the law, the commandments, orders from the chain-of-command and like that. Nevertheless, they were a childless couple, because either one or the other of them was infertile or they were both doing the dance the wrong way. They were also well up in years.

One day, when Zek’s division of the Abijah was on jury duty, Zek was chosen by a roll of the dice to go into the temple and burn some incense. This was not a high risk task and he received no extra pay for doing it. When the time came to light up, a bunch of worshipers were praying their heads off outside the temple. We think they were waiting for the smoke from the incense to clear before going inside.

An angel appeared to Luke standing to the right of the incense altar and Zek was gripped with fear because, let’s face it, who wouldn’t be. I mean you don’t see angels walking around on an everyday basis. “Not to worry and don’t be afraid,” the angel said to Zek. “I’m here to tell you your prayer has been heard.”

“Which one?” asked Zek, because he had thrown several out to the cosmos in the last few days, including the one about…nevermind, we won’t get into that.

“Liz is going to bear you a son and you are going to name him John. He will be a joy and delight to you and, on top of that, a lot of other people will be thrilled by his birth as well for this kid will be a favorite of You-Know-Who.” The angel paused there for a moment to let that sink in and then said, “Don’t ever give John wine or any other fermented drink, because he will have a touchy stomach and this could lead him to losing his head over one thing or another. If he wants to drink, give him distilled alcohol like vodka or gin. John, I should add, will be filled with the Holy Spirit even before he is born, so if your wife Liz glows in the dark, you will know the reason why. John is going to bring back many of the people from both Israel and Hackensack to the Lord, because somebody has to do it and he’s been chosen. He is going to go on before the Lord puts in his appearance, in the spirit of Elijah - you remember him doncha? - to turn the hearts of parents to their children and straighten their little butts right out. He is going to bring wisdom to the disobedient, who, if anybody needs it, it’s definitely them, and he is going to get everybody geared up for the Lord’s traveling show. So, what do you think about that?”

Zek looked at the angel and said, “You gotta be kidding me. Me and Liz are old people. How can we be sure of what you say?”

The angel looked askance and said, “Because I am Gabriel, one hell of a horn man, and I have been sent to speak to you and bring you the good news. But now that you have screwed up my message with your skepticism, I am going to have to zap you and make you unable to speak until the appointed time that the good news happens.” And with those words, he zapped poor old Zek and left him mute.

Meanwhile, outside the temple, Zek’s pals were wondering what was taking him so long. When he finally came out, he, of course, couldn’t tell them what had occurred, so he
made a lot of wild gestures, but none of his buddies was particularly good at charades and they didn’t catch his drift.

When his tour of duty was up, Zek went home and jumped his wife bones. She got pregnant and went into seclusion for five months. What with Zek not speaking and Liz hiding out, they weren’t what you would call a real fun couple. Liz gave credit for her condition to the Big Guy and said he let her get knocked up to show his approval of her. She admitted, though, that having and raising a kid at her advanced age was going to be tricky.

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In the sixth month of Liz’ pregnancy, the angel Gabriel, who was a busy guy in those days, flew into Nazareth to talk to the town virgin and the man she was pledged to, a guy named Joe. “Don’t be afraid” he said to Mary the virgin, you have found favor with God Almighty All Righty, and you are going to get mysteriously pregnant and then give
birth to a son you will name Jesus. About the name, don’t ask me why, it’s just one the Big Guy’s partial to. This Jesus kid will grow up to be a Doozy and will be called the Son of the Most High, which is not, as you might think, a drug reference. God, who as we know likes to take care of his kids, will give Jesus the throne of David and he will get to reign over the house of Jacob forever and that kingdom will never end. Jacob won’t mind a bit because, well, he bought the big one a long time ago.”

“How can this happen,” asked Mary, “when I am still a virgin?”

“Not to worry about the details” said old Gabe. Let’s just say the Holy Spirit will come upon you and the power of the Most High, - I repeat no drugs involved – will over shadow you. That’s all you really need to know and you are on a need-to-know basis. Jesus will be born and be called the Son of God among other aliases. One other thing of note I must tell you, is that your relative and pal, old Elizabeth, is six months preggers and going to have a kid of her own, if you can believe that, and you should, because, well, she’s big as a house, and God said it is going to happen.”

“Alrighty then” said Mary. “I am the Lord’s servant. Bring it on.”

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With Gabe’s words still ringing in her ears, Mary rushed off to the hill country of Judea where Liz lived. She entered Liz and Zek’s house and said “How you all do-in” and at
this greeting, the baby in Liz’ womb did a cartwheel and Liz was filled with the Holy Spirit, which even at its worst is better than chocolate or wine or whatever usually spins your bottle. In a loud voice – Liz was no whisperer – she said to Mary, “Blessed are you among women and blessed is the rug rat you will bear!” “But why” she continued, “does the mother of my Lord deign to visit me? Did Gabe visit you too?” Then she went on about the baby in her womb jumping at the sound of Mary’s voice and how lucky she was that the Lord fulfilled his promise to see that she got knocked up. Then she and Mary swapped some chicken, rice and bean recipes before Mary got into a rambling
monologue that went like this: My Soul glorifies the Lord and digs good music and my Spirit rejoices in God, rhythm and blues, for he has been mindful and we all know that mindfulness is the way to go, of the humble state of his servant, namely me. From now on all generations will call me blessed, because it’s not everybody that gets in the baby-way without, you know, doing the thing. Holy is the Mighty One’s name and Mighty is the Holy One’s. His mercy extends to those who fear him, so if you are not afraid, you ought to be. He has performed mighty deeds with his arm and it has been said that he has a left fist of iron and a right fist of steel and if the left one don’t get you then the right one will. He gets real tough with people who are proud in their innermost thoughts, although for the life of me I don’t know how he knows what they are thinking, and he has brought down rulers from their thrones when they screwed up, while at the same time, promoting the humble to better jobs. He has filled the hungry with good things like pudding and pie – His lemon meringue is to die for – and sent the rich away empty. What the heck, they can buy their own food. On top of all that, he has helped out his favorite country Israel and promises to go easy on its descendants forever.

The two women got along so famously that Mary wound up staying with Liz for nearly three months.

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When it was time for old Liz to have her baby, she did what most mothers do which is to lie down, scream like hell and push that puppy right out into the world. She had as expected and predicted, a boy. Her friends and relatives had heard the rumors that the Lord had something to do with this and they were all happy as clams about that. On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise the kid and Bobby the butcher came over to do the dastardly deed, the relatives were all set to name the newborn Zechariah after his father. “No way” Liz piped up. “I’m zick of Zek. This boy is going to be named John.” The friends and relatives pointed out that there was nobody in the family named John and was there, perhaps, something Liz wasn’t telling them? They were a suspicious lot. Then they went over to Zek who was still mute and asked him what he wanted to name the kid. Zek grabbed a writing tablet, one of those early ones for kids with big spaces between the lines and printed out the name John. Zappo! He was suddenly able to speak and began praising the Big Guy, because who else could pull off such a feat.

Word of all this got around the village and people wondered just what kind of dude is this kid John going to be. I mean, let’s face it, they thought, the Lord has got his back!

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Zek was filled with the Holy Spirit, and some suspected wine as well, when he went off singing and prophesizing. He sang out:

Praise be the Lord, the God of Israel and probably some other places too.
He has come to his people with coupons and redeemed them.
He has raised up the horn of salvation and played it like Miles for us, and he did it in David’s house where there are good acoustics.
He said he was going to do it long ago, through the prophets of course, that we would all get salvation from our enemies and other people who hate us like that guy over there with the shit eating grin on his face.
He said He would show mercy to our ancestors and to remember his holy covenant and even some of His lesser covenants like no glass objects around the pool.
And also said that He would remember his oath to our father Abe to rescue us when we are captured by enemies and tied to the railroad tracks, so that we could serve him without fear, in holiness, righteousness and clean, tidy uniforms all of our days.

Then Old Zek, still feeling the high, turned his attention to Baby John and sang:

And you my bouncing, bubbling, baby boy will be called a Most High prophet and it will have nothing to do with those cactus buds you find in the desert.
You are going to pave the way for the Lord, whose name we don’t know yet, but I’m thinking it starts with a J, like Jason or Joshua.
You are going to give the people a clue about salvation through the forgiveness of their sins which ought to make them happy, because, let’s face it, they are a pretty motley bunch and their sins are piling up big time.
This will all happen because of God’s tender mercy and not his rough and tumble mercy. From the tender kind we get the rising of the sun to shine on those peeps living in darkness and the shadow of death – a real cold thing that shadow – and to guide our feet onto the path of peace and not war with Iraq and other sandy places.

John grew up and became strong in spirit just like you would guess, what with all the prophesies and such, and even though he was skinny he was pretty strong physically in a wiry sort of way. He lived in the desert until the day he turned up skulking about in Israel. There will be more about that later.

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Chapter 2. The Birth of Jesus

Caesar Augustus, Rome’s honcho in those days, issued a decree calling for a census. He wanted to know just how many people he was lording it over. This was the first census taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria, a little known fact that I thought I should report for no particular reason.

Joseph and Mary, a carpenter and his pregnant girlfriend, traveled from Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to Bethlehem, a town in Judea in order to register for the census. Old Joe was from the house and line of David, which was considered a good thing, so he wanted to get that down on the registration rolls. While they were there in Bethlehem, Mary gave birth to her first born, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because what with everybody coming to town to register for the census, there were no rooms available in any of the motels, hotels and such.

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There were shepherds living out in the fields doing what shepherds do which in this case had something to do with sheep in the dark. An angel of the Lord came zooming in and turned a spotlight on them. As you might expect they were scared witless. The sheep, however, never batted an eye. “Calm down, get a grip, don’t be afraid,” said the angel to the shepherds. “I am here to bring good news of great joy to you and everyone else.” “Well you could have fooled me, sneaking up and blasting us with that light,” said one of the shepherds, but the angel ignored him and went on talking. “Today, in the town of David,” he said, “a Savior has been born. You know what I’m saying? The Messiah, the Big Palooka, The Lord Amighty! Get it? This will be the sign to look for: He will be wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” Not much of a sign, thought one of the shepherds, could be anybody, but just then a heavenly choir appeared all dressed in black robes with a James Brown look-alike heading them up. “They sang out, “Glory to God in the highest heaven and on earth peace to those on to whom he takes a liking.” “And speaking of taking,” said the James Brown guy, “take me to the bridge!”

After the angels and the choir had left and returned to heaven and cloud nine where they partied down, one of the shepherds said to the others, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and check this out.” So the rushed off and lo and behold found Mary, Joseph and the Kid In The Manger. They were, needless to say, but I’ll say it anyway, flabbergasted. They went around town telling everyone they bumped into about the angel, the choir, the kid and everything.

Most people were amazed, but a few said the shepherds needed to get away from the flock and go out more often. Mary felt good about the shepherds having been told to come by an angel, because she needed a little positive reinforcement at the time, not having heard from the kid’s real father for awhile. When the shepherds returned to the barn, they glorified and praised God for, you know, the whole thing.

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On the eighth day, when it was time to circumcise the newborn, Mary and Joe named him Jesus because Gabriel had told them to and you don’t mess around with angels, Hell’s or regular.

When the time came for the Purification Rites handed down from Moses, Joe and Mary took Jesus to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord which was kind of confusing in that Jesus WAS the Lord, but they went anyway. Moses’ law said that every firstborn male is to be consecrated to the Lord and every firstborn female is to be consecrated to the mall. In keeping with the law, a sacrifice of a pair of doves or two pigeons was to be made. Most people use the pigeons because they were easier to catch, what with their tendency to hang around statues and such.

It happened that there was a man in Jerusalem named Simeon who was a truly righteous dude. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel and the Holy Spirit was dancing all over him. The HS revealed to him that he would not die before he had seen the Messiah. Simeon was a little skeptical of this, but was unwilling to put it to the test by, you know, jumping off a high building or something like that. Better just to take the Holy Spirit’s word for it. He was shoved into the temple courts by the HS just as Mary and Joe brought in Jesus. He picked up the babe, praised The Big Fella above and said, “Sovereign Old Sock, thanks for keeping your promise! You can now dismiss me in peace. My eyes have seen the salvation you’ve prepared for all nations and that calls for a celebration, so let’s drink to it. To the Gentiles you’ve given the light of revelation, and to Israel you have handed glory as a nation. Let’s drink to that as well. As I’ve said, he was a righteous man, but he was not above a nip now and then.

Mary and Joe marveled at what was said about their kid. But after Simeon blessed them he took Mary aside and whispered, “This kid is going to be the rise and fall of many people in Israel. He will represent something that will be bad-mouthed, so that many hearts and minds will be revealed. This is, of course, a bummer. Some people just shouldn’t air their dirty laundry. And,” he said as if this was not enough, “a sword will pierce your own soul too.” Just like a regular kid, thought Mary. You raise them up and they break your heart.

There was also a prophet named Anna in town who was the daughter of Phanuel. Both belonged to the tribe of Asher-no-questions. Anna was very old. She had been married for seven years and then a widow for eighty-four. Figure in her maiden years and that made her…let’s see…okay, very old. Anna never left the temple. She worshipped day and night, fasted and prayed. You fast for eighty four years and in addition to being old, you’ll be thinner than a runway model. Anna came up to Mary, Joe and Jesus just as Simeon slunk off and spoke about how everyone was looking forward to Jesus’ redemption of Jerusalem. Then she slipped off to grab a bite to eat.

After Mary and Joe had done everything required by Moses’ law, including that nasty thing with the pigeons, they returned to Nazareth. There Jesus grew up and became strong pumping iron and doing Pilates and he was filled with wisdom and Mary’s good cooking. The grace of God was upon him, but you couldn’t tell by looking. I mean, to most people he seemed normal.

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Every year like clockwork, Joe and Mary went into Jerusalem for Passover. When Jesus was twelve he accompanied his parents – yeah, I know, Joe was a step-parent, but I, Luke, don’t want to keep writing “step” so live with it – to Jerusalem for the Festival. When it ended that year, Joe and Mary booked for home and didn’t notice Jesus wasn’t with them. They were, obviously, not always the most diligent of parents. A full day, in fact, had passed before they noticed Jesus wasn’t with them! They looked for him among their relatives and friends who were also on the road home, and not finding him, they turned around and went back to Jerusalem to track him down. It took them three days, but they finally found him shooting hoops with the teachers in the temple courts while asking them philosophical questions. Everyone there was amazed at his understanding of the answers and impressed with his mid-range jumper. “Son, how could you do this to us? We were worried sick,” Joe and Mary asked, thinking a dose of guilt might be useful in this circumstance. Jesus though, wasn’t buying it. “Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I’d be here in my Father’s house?” That made no sense to Joe and Mary, but they let it pass because Jesus was, for the most part, a pretty good kid.

After that the family went down to Nazareth and Jesus was obedient the whole time. Mary, however, kind of missed Jesus’ shenanigans, many of which she treasured in her heart and a couple of other body parts. As Jesus grew up, he also grew wiser, which is not always the case with teenagers, and he became quite popular with the adults and his real Pop, God.

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Chapter 3. Johnnie the B Clues in the Populace


In the fifteenth year of the reign of Tiberius Caesar, when Pontius Pilate was governor of Judea, Herod was tetrarch of Galilee, Roy Rogers was King of the Cowboys, and some other people held titles as well, the Word of God came down to John whose only claim to fame was being the son of Zechariah. With the Word in hand, John wandered about the country around Jordon preaching a baptism of repentance and forgiveness and also some sleight of hand to keep the folks interested. It was written in the book of Words by Isaiah the Prophet and not the book of Words by Webster the Dictionary Man, that Johnny was the guy talked about in this little ditty:

A voice of one calls out in the desert,
Prepare the way for the Lord
Make a bee line to it
In Dodge or Chevy or Ford
The valleys will be all filled in
The mountains and hills made low
Crooked roads will straighten out
So all may come and go
Rough roads will smoothen and be paved
Cause ever last Jack is gonna be saved.

John though, was tough on those who came to be baptized by him. He said, “Listen up you brood of vipers! Who told you about the coming wrath of the Big Guy? Go produce some fruit. That’s in keeping with repentance. And never tell yourself, Abe is your father. I tell you right now that God Almighty and All Conference can raise children out of stones! What do you think of that? The ax is handy and ready to cut down trees that don’t produce fruit. We will toss the wood into the fire.”

The people said, “Huh?” but John didn’t clarify, so they asked, “Well then, what should we do?”

John answered “If you have two shirts, give one to someone who has none. If you have extra food, give some to people who don’t have any.” This was a whole lot clearer than his rant to the vipers.

Even some tax collectors showed up to be baptized. “Teacher John what should WE do?” they asked.

Johnny the B said, “For starters, don’t collect more than you are supposed to.”

Soldiers also asked Johnny for advice. Johnny told them to quit being bullies and falsely accusing people to get money from them. Be happy with your pitiful pay scale, he told them.

We are not too sure how all this went over, but it must have been mostly good because Johnny the B became famous and popular.

A lot of people wondered if John might be the Messiah His Ownself, but John straightened them out by saying, “I baptize you with water which may go up your nose and be a little uncomfortable, but one who is more powerful than I is coming down the pike real soon and He is going to baptize you with fire and the Holy Spirit. Fire can be downright painful, so if I were you, I’d get baptized right now with the water and get the whole thing out of the way.” Then he said, “I’m not worthy to tie this guy’s shoes. I mean, his winnowing fork is in his hand to clear his threshing floor and to gather wheat into his barn, but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.” Just when John had the folks listening intently, he goes and says something like that winnowing fork bit. It left damn near everybody scratching their heads wondering what the hell he was talking about. Speaking in metaphors didn’t cut it with the common fold in those days. Nevertheless Johnny persisted in telling the Good News in his own funky way.

Where he blew it though, was when he rebuked Herod for marrying Herodias who was Herod’s own brother’s wife and some other not so kosher acts like throwing people in prison for no reason at all. Herod took serious offense to John and, you guessed it, threw him in prison as well.

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When everyone around there was baptized, Jesus came along and got himself dunked in the river also. Just as he was praying – probably that he wouldn’t drown – heaven opened up and the Holy Spirit came swooping down in the form of a dove. At first everybody thought it was just a dove, but then it spoke, which is a very undove-like thing to do. It said to Jesus, “You are my son whom I love.” Everyone there was impressed that the dove/holy spirit got that who whom thing correct. Then it said, “With you I am well pleased.” And, of course, everyone was glad to hear that too.

Now Jesus was about thirty years old when he began his traveling ministry show and it was thought that he was the son of Joseph, but we all know the real scoop on that one. Joe himself had a lineage that dated back thirty seven generations to Adam of Eden and thirty eight to The Big Guy himself if you want to go back to the beginning. I’m not sure why this is relevant, but I thought I’d throw it in just in case, you know, it was.

Chapter 4. JAYS-US, as modern evangelists like to pronounce it, gets tested.

Jesus, chock full of the Holy Spirit and an early cabernet, left Jordon and wandered out into the desert where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. Jesus ate nary a thing for the whole forty days and at their end was hungry enough to eat a plow.
The devil said to him, “If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to be a loaf of pumpernickel.”
Jesus answered, “It is written, people do not live on bread alone. Sometimes they like a little peanut butter.”
The devil was nonplussed. He led Jesus up a high place, snapped his fingers and showed Jesus all the kingdoms of the world just like that. Jesus was not impressed even though he noticed there was a lot of food down there. The devil said, “Worship me and I will make all this power, splendor and vanilla pudding yours. It was given to me and I can give it to you.
Jesus answered, “It is written – Jesus was big on quoting written texts – Worship the Lord your God and serve him alone.”
The devil had that “foiled again” look on his face but he didn’t give up. He took Jesus to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point. “Jump off,” he said. “I dare ya, because it is written” – the devil was not against throwing out a quote or two of his own – “that angels will fly down and catch you before you hit the ground.”
Jesus answered, “Do not put the Lord thy God to the test.”

The devil thought about asking why not, but let it pass. He backed off his tempting for awhile hoping a good opportunity would present itself further down the line.

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Jesus returned to Galilee gladly - he was fed up to here with testing - and, still full of the Holy Spirit, began teaching in the synagogue where he could administer tests of his own. He was widely praised as he had some pretty decent teaching skills.

He bopped over to Nazareth where he had been brought up, and on Sabbath went into the synagogue, because that’s what he was accustomed to doing on Saturdays. He stood up to read one thing or another and somebody handed him the scroll of the prophet Isaiah. Jesus skipped over the part where it said “Buy low, sell high” and went straight to the place where it said, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me like feathers on a duck. I’ve been anointed by the Chief his Ownself to pass on the good news to the poor. The rich will have to find their good news some place else. Here’s the scoop: Prisoners will be freed, the blind will be sighted, the oppressed released, and the Saints go marching in. This is the year of the Lord’s favor. Next year might not be so good.” Then he rolled up the scroll, handed it over to an attendant with a generous tip and took a seat. As everyone was still looking at him he decided to say something else. “Today his scripture is fulfilled right here, right now, within your hearing. Any blind people out there seeing better?”

Everyone spoke well of Jesus after that and were amazed at how gracious the words were that came from his lips. Jesus was nothing if not a great orator.

Jesus said to them, “Surely you will quote this proverb to me: ‘Physician heal yourself!’ And then you will tell me, ‘Do here in your hometown what we heard you did in Capernaum.’ Well I’ll tell you this, Sportfans, prophets are not accepted in their hometowns. You want outsiders to be celebrities and not somebody you know from down the block. There were lots of widows in Israel in Elijah’s time, husbands were dropping like flies. Yet Elijah was not sent to any of them. He took up with a widow over in Zarephath in the land of Sidon instead. It is said that she was a hottie. And there were lots of lepers in Elijah’s day too, but only one was cured, Naaman the Syrian. Does it occur to you that Elijah might have had other things to do? And now you want me to do what you’ve heard I’ve done elsewhere. Well, sorry folks, that ain’t happening.”

The people in the synagogue were furious at this, so they drove Jesus out of town and took him to the top of a steep hill to throw him off. I mean these people were ticked! It didn’t matter though. Jesus just shucked them off like so many fleas, walked through the mob and went on his merry way.

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Jesus meandered down to Capernaum and, on the next Sabbath, he taught the people there. They were impressed by the authoritative tone he used. Jesus was a very convincing person and would have made a great salesman. One day, while Jesus was holding forth at the synagogue, there was a man there possessed by a demon. He shouted to Jesus, “Go away! We don’t want you here Jesus of Nazareth. Have you come to destroy us Mister Bigshot? We know who you are. The Holy One of God.”

Jesus shouted back, “Shut up punk.” And then, “Come out, come out wherever you are.”

The demon threw the man down gently and came out. We don’t know where he went after that, but a good guess might be a seat in Congress.

Of course the people were amazed by this. “What words these are that order demons about! This guy is some kind of special dude! The news of this flew like a rumor all over the surrounding area.

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Jesus left the synagogue and walked over to Simon’s house. Simon’s mother-in-law was suffering with a fever that might have been caused by a drug habit. Simon asked Jesus to help. Jesus leaned over the woman and talked to the fever. Just like that – snap fingers here – it was gone. Simon said, “Holy smokes! If I knew it was the easy I’d a done it myself!” The mother-in-law, feeling lots better, got up and waited on the men.

At sunset, the people knowing a good thing when they see it, brought to Jesus everyone in the whole town who had any kind of sickness. Jesus laid his hands on each one and healed them all. He also rid the group of a few more demons who immediately became ranking members of the Republican Party. Some of the people began to shout, “You are the Son of God! but Jesus shut them up by saying “Tell me something I DON’T know.”

The next morning, Jesus slipped off to a quiet place to meditate on whether he should help out athletes who bless themselves and point at the sky. The townspeople found him though, and tried to keep him from leaving. Jesus said, “Sorry. I got to go, I got to go, on the midnight train to…other places. It’s my job to spread the good news to everyone, not just you lucky devils.” And that’s what he did. He kept on keeping on, preaching in synagogues all over Judea.

Chapter 5. Jesus Recruits Disciples

One day Jesus was standing around Lake Gennesaret skipping flat stones on the water and rapping with a crowd that had come to hear him. He noticed some boats at the water’s edge that were owned by a couple of fishermen. If you are a fisherman, boats can come in real handy. These two were off cleaning their nets, so Jesus got in the boat owned by the one named Simon. Simon came over and hopped in with Jesus who he figured was probably not a thief but, hey, you can never be too careful. They chatted a bit and then Simon rowed them a short way off shore. Jesus continued his lecture to the crowd from there, because it was better than a stage for getting separation from your audience.

When he finished his speechifying, Jesus turned to Simon and said, “Alrighty then, let’s do some fishing!” Simon told Jesus that he and his pals had been fishing all night with no real luck, so why bother. Jesus said, “Not to worry” and they headed out to deeper water. In no time at all they had caught so many fish that Simon’s nets were in danger of breaking. He shouted to his partners, James and John, who were the sons of Zebedee Doodah to come and help out. They rowed their boat out to where Simon’s was and caught so many fish their boats were near to sinking from the weight. Simon was so amazed at all this that he fell on his knees in front of Jesus and said, “Get back Dude! I am a sinful man.” He didn’t want his sinfulness to rub off on Jesus. James and John were also astonished, but they didn’t say anything. They were probably thinking about the fish feast they were going to have. Big platters called Mound O’ Fish danced in their heads. Jesus said to Simon, “Chill out and don’t be afraid. You and these boys will soon be catching people.” Simon wondered if they would use nets to do that or just rods and reels. After that, they abandoned their boats on the shore and walked off following Jesus. They were looking for a nice big school of people to catch.

*

When Jesus was walking in one of the towns, Bayonne, Burbank, doesn’t really matter which one, a man came along who was covered with leprosy and looked like something from a Star Wars bar. He fell onto the ground in front of Jesus and said, “If you’re willing and the creek don’t rise, you can make me clean.” “I am willing” Jesus said. “Be clean.” Zappo! The man’s leprosy was gone. He was still a little dirty though, so Jesus invented Irish Spring, gave the man a towel and sent him to the nearest sink. Jesus then told the man to keep the whole thing on a hush-hush basis, but to go to a priest and offer a couple of sacrifices that might please Moses if he were still around. Word got out, nevertheless, and Jesus was mobbed by people who wanted him to heal their wounds and cure their ailments. Damn near everybody had something in those days, so you can see what a problem this was for Jesus. From time to time he’d duck out just to get away from the mobs and go to a quiet place to pray, and chill out. I mean, you really can’t blame the guy.

*

One day Jesus was teaching and those trouble making Pharisees and their lawyers were hanging around keeping an eye on him. They had come from all over Galilee just to spy on him. Jesus was full of power that day, healing people right and left. Some men carried a paralyzed guy on a mat, but couldn’t get through the crowd to Jesus who was indoors at the time. These were very determined men and they determined, by God or by hook or by crook, to get the stiff guy to Jesus. They climbed up on the roof, removed some roofing tiles and lowered the poor sicko down right in front of the Healing Honcho. Jesus looked at the guy and said, “Friend, your sins are forgiven” which was not quite what the guy was looking for but was happy to know anyway. The Pharisees and the lawyers began thinking to themselves, who is this hotshot blasphemer who thinks he can forgive sins. Only God, The Big Fella Himself can do that. Jesus, who had among his nifty gifts the ability to read minds, said aloud, “Why are you thinking these things in your hearts and minds? Which is easier, to say to this man your sins are forgiven or to get up and walk?”

The Pharisees and lawyers didn’t answer. “Well let me tell ya,” Jesus continued, “I have the authority and the power to do both.” With that he turned to the paralyzed guy and said, “Get up, take your mat and go home.” Sure enough that is exactly what the guy did. Everyone there including the Pharisees were amazed and filled with awe. They said, “We have seen remarkable things today. Jesus, for his part, refrained from saying I told you so.

*

After this Jesus was feeling pretty good. He went outside, strolled around and cast his eyes on a tax collector named Levi who was sitting in his tax collectors booth. Jesus said, “Follow me” and, of course, that’s exactly what Levi did. He followed Jesus right to his own house where he threw a banquet for the Big Guy’s Son and some other tax collecting pals of his. The Pharisees and the lawyers were still hanging around and they complained to Jesus’ disciples. “Why does your hero eat and drink with tax collectors and other sinners? Jesus, who had exceptional hearing, overheard them and answered for himself. “Healthy people don’t need doctors and do-gooders don’t need repentance. I’m not here to call out the righteous, I’m here to straighten out the sinful.” This in some ways explains why Jesus was often seen in bad company.

*

Lawyers being lawyers they were always looking for just the right question to trip up Jesus. One of them said to him, “John’s disciples fast and pray and so do the disciples of the Pharisees. How come yours go on eating and drinking like a bunch of sailors on shore leave?” Jesus answered, “Can you make the wedding party fast when the groom is hanging around with them? Of course not. But the time will come when the groom slips off to do his groomly duties. THAT”s the time for the revelers to get to their fasting and praying.”

Then Jesus went off on one of his parable rants. “No one tears a piece of cloth from a new garment to repair an old one. First off it will ruin the new garment and second it won’t match the old one anyway. You get my drift?” The lawyers didn’t, so Jesus continued. “And you don’t pour new wine into old wineskins because it will burst the skins and all the wine will be ruined. We don’t want that to happen because you know how I feel about good wine. What you do is you pour the new wine into new skins. Then you go ahead and polish off the old because it is better aged anyway. And finally, you don’t pull the mask off the Old Lone Ranger and you don’t mess around with Slim.” Jesus then walked off leaving the lawyers scratching their heads and wondering if they will ever be able to stump old Hayzeus.

*

Chapter 6. Jesus is Lord of the Sabbath and a Couple of Other Days As Well.

One Sabbath, Jesus was strolling around a grain field with his disciples because there was no game on that day. Some of his disciples began to pick heads of grain, rub them in their hands and eat the kernels. They were in need of fiber. “What the hell are you doing?” cried out the Pharisees who were once again hanging around looking for an opening. “Don’t you know that it is against the law to do that on the Sabbath?”

Jesus answered for his disciples. “Have you pea brains never read what David did when he and his companions were hungry? He went into the nearest house of God, snatched up the consecrated bread which is only lawful for priests to eat, and he and his pals gobbled it up. The Son of Man, Yours Truly, is Lord of the Sabbath. If my boys want to eat grain, I say let them eat cake. You know, if there is any around.”

One other Sabbath, Jesus was holding forth in the synagogue where a man with a shriveled hand was also hanging out. The Pharisees were lurking about as usual to see if Jesus would heal the guy, a thing strictly verboten on the Sabbath. Jesus, however, knew what they were thinking because, as I’ve mentioned, he could read minds. He called out to the man, “Yo dude. Come over here and stand in front of all these people.” The man did as he was told. Then Jesus said to the assembled, “Which is lawful to do on the Sabbath, good or evil? To save a life or to screw one up? Come on Wiseguys, you tell me.” Then he turned to the man and said “Stretch out your hand” and of course it was immediately good as new with nails manicured neat enough for a TV commercial. This really ticked off the Pharisees. They went into a huddle and began to plot what they might do to Jesus if they ever caught him alone.

*

On another day, Jesus went out to the mountainside and stayed up all night praying. When morning came he was exhausted, but after a couple of cups of coffee he called his disciples together and chose twelve of them to be apostles. The twelve were Simon who Jesus liked to call Peter for reasons we don’t know, Simon’s brother Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, who Jesus liked to call Barty which is somewhat understandable, Matthew, Thomas, Alphaeus’ son James, Simon the Zealot, who Jesus called Simon the Zealot because he like saying the word Zealot, Judas son of James, and Judas Iscariot the blabbermouth who later sold out Jesus for a peso or two. Among those rejected for apostlehood were Troy, Arnold, Bruce, Roland, Ricky and Zeke. Though their feelings were hurt they continued to follow Jesus because at this point they had forgotten what they used to do before Jesus came around.

*

Jesus went downtown with his apostles and stood on a level place. Being on the level is a phrase that may have come from Jesus’ penchant for standing on flat spots. A large crowd formed around him. People had come from all over Judea and Jerusalem and even a contingent from the Coast put in an appearance in hopes of being cured of their diseases and drug joneses. Jesus was dishing out his healing magic left and right and everybody wanted to touch him and feel the power coming off him. Jesus fixed up each and every one. In the midst of all this he looked at his disciples and rapped,

Blessed are you, who are poorer than dirt,
For yours is the kingdom of my Dad.
And blessed are you who are hungry and hurt
For you will be totally fed, fixed and rad.

Blessed are you who weep all the day
For you will laugh your tears away.

And blessed are you who everyone hates
You’re insulted, rejected and your name called evil.
In heaven you’ll get a reward that’s great
You’ll be in high cotton like the famous boll weevil.

The crowd started snapping their fingers to the beat and Jesus rapped on.

Rejoice in that day and leap for joy
Because you’re going to heaven I’m tellin’ ya boy.

But woe to you who are plumped up and rich
You’ve already got your rewards you son of a ….. (Here Jesus paused and let the crowd shout out the last word.)

And woe to you who are too well fed
You’ll find yourself hungry as you go to bed.

And woe to the laughers all filled up with humor
You’ll be mourners and weepers and that ain’t no rumor.

And woe to you who are thought well of
for your ancestors treated false prophets with kindness and love.

At this point Jesus ran out of gas and took a backstage coffee break.

*

He returned a short while later and started right in preaching again, only this time without the rap. “But to you who are listening, I say this: Love your enemies and do good to those who hate you. Okay, I realize that’s a little tough, but work on it. Also bless those who curse you and pray for those who mistreat you. These are a little easier to do, so you might start there and work up to loving your enemies. Here’s another toughie: If someone slaps you on the cheek, turn the other also and give him another shot. If, however, he punches instead of slapping, go ahead and knock his lights out. Give what ever is asked of you and don’t hold anything back, not your coat, your shirt, your sandals or pants. Hang onto your underwear though. Modesty is always called for. And don’t ask for anything back. The stuff is gone pal, get used to it. Alrighty then, here’s the biggie: Do to others as you would have them do to you. Any masochists listening out there? Don’t take that literally.”

The crowd looked a little confused by all this generosity they were supposed to display, so Jesus tried to elaborate.

“Look,” he said, “if you love those who love you, how hard is that? What credit do you get for that? I mean even sinners and bad assed bikers love those who love them. And if you do good for people who have done good for you, well c’mon, how hard is that? Again, even sinners go that route. If you loan to people from whom you expect to get paid what’s the big deal? Sinners will loan money if they expect to get it back. Take a shot. Lend to your enemies and other bad risks and don’t expect to get anything back, because chances are you won’t, so why sweat it? Do all this and I promise your reward will be great because you will become children of the “Most High” and I’m not talking about the guy who did the most drugs. The Most High guy, my Pop, is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked as well, so be merciful just as he is. Of course, if you or the sinners tick him off, it could go reeeeeeeaaaaallly bad, if you get my drift.

*


The crowd began dispersing. “Wait!” Jesus said. Where you going? I’m not done yet. Do not judge because you will be called judgmental and nobody likes that. And of course, if you don’t judge you won’t be judged and that way you’ll get off the hook. Forgive. Always forgive. If you don’t, you won’t be forgiven and you’ll start a whole vicious circle of the unforgiven and the next thing you know someone will make a movie about them. Also give whenever you get the chance and you have something worthwhile to give. I mean don’t give crappy stuff that nobody wants. A good measure, pressed down, shaken and not stirred, will be poured into your lap and won’t that give you a start! The size of the measure will determine how much you use when you give that one back to the guy who soaked your pants.”

Jesus then slipped into one of his parables. It went like this: Can the blind lead the blind? Not bloody likely. They will both fall into a pit if, you know, there’s a pit around. Students are not above their teachers. That’s why teachers stand and students sit at desks. If, however, a student gets straight A’s or a four point average and an athletic scholarship, he’ll be a lot like a teacher. So go ahead and work at your studies, but don’t neglect your jump shot. And why, why I ask you, do you look at a speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own? I mean come on Dimwit, you got a PLANK in your eye! How can you say ‘Friend, let me take the speck from your eye when you are ignoring the PLANK sticking out of your own eye? Don’t be a hypocrite. First remove the plank and then you will be able to see the speck in the other guy’s eye a whole lot clearer. You will also be in a helluva lot less pain. Then and only then attempt to remove the speck. Either that or suggest the other guy try rinsing it out with water.”

*

Jesus paused a moment while the crowd pondered his parable and then went on preaching and teaching. “No good tree bears bad fruit” he said. “Nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.” A voice in the back of the crowd shouted “No shit Sherlock” but Jesus ignored him and went on. “People do not pick figs from thorn bushes or grapes from briers. Most people anyway. If you see a guy all scratched and bloody you’ll know he gave it a try. Good people bring good things out of the good stored in their hearts. Evil people bring evil things from the evil stored in Neo-con think tanks somewhere in Iowa. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. Sometimes the brain has something to do with this speaking part also, but not nearly often enough.”

*


“And so, I ask you,” Jesus continued, “Why do you call me Lord and do not do what I say? I mean, if I’m Lord, I’m also Boss, right? If you heed my words and do what they tell you, here is what that will be like: It will be like a man who has built a nice crib with a good solid foundation, three bedrooms, two baths and a view of the ocean. When the flood comes along, there’s no problem, house stands tall. If you don’t heed what I say, it’s like a trailer park in a twister. Bye bye baby!”

*

Chapter 7. Even Centurions Have Got That Feeling

After Jesus finished his rap to the assembled folk, he hiked into Capernaum. A centurion, who shall remain nameless because he had a very un-centurion name like, oh, say, Percy, had a faithful servant of his come down sick and was near to dying. The centurion heard of Jesus’ powers and sent some Jewish pals of his to plead for the servant’s life. The messengers told Jesus that the centurion was a good guy even though he was a Roman. They said he had built their synagogue. Jesus said, “Alrighty then, let’s have a look at this servant,” and then headed off to the centurion’s house. He was not far from the house when the centurion sent other friends of his to head off Jesus. These buddies told Jesus that the centurion said, “Don’t trouble yourself, I’m not worthy of you to come under my roof. Besides that, the place is a mess, because, well, my servant is sick. Just go ahead and heal my servant from afar. I know you can do it. I give orders and things get done and I’m just a regular old centurion. You being the Lord and all, I have faith you can do the trick from outside.”

Jesus was amazed when he heard this and that was a big deal, because Jesus was a hard guy to amaze. He turned to the crowd that was following him like a big shadow and said, "I haven’t found great faith like this in a long time. Not even in Israel or Dubuque. I’m amazed, I tell ya, amazed.” When the men who had brought the message to Jesus returned to the centurion’s house, they found the servant up and about and doing dishes. At that point they became amazed too. There was amazement all over the place that day.

*

Soon after this Jesus bopped over to a town called Nain. It was called Nain because, you know, that was its name. If you called it anything else no one would know what you were talking about. As he approached the town gate dragging along his usual contingent of disciples and a large crowd, he ran into a dead person being carried out on a bier which is a kind of stretcher like thing. The dead guy was the only son of a woman whose husband had already passed away himself. She was pretty torn up by all this and was crying her head off as she walked along beside the bier. She had her own crowd from the town following at a respectful distance, three or four paces more or less. When Jesus saw this woman he said to her pretty much what you would expect. He said, “Don’t cry.” Of course the woman went right on bawling like a baby, so Jesus touched the bier carrying the dead guy and said, “Get up young fella, get up right now.” The dead man bolted upright and began talking his own head off. “What’s going on here, where am I, who’s in charge, who’s on first and are the Sox in the playoffs” and like that. Jesus gave this chatterbox back to his mother and the people put their hands together and gave it up for Jesus. Everyone was filled with awe except a few of the regulars who had seen Jesus do stuff like this for months and were used to it. One guy hollered out, “A great prophet has appeared among us. God has come to help his people.” We are pretty sure he was talking about Jesus.

The news about all this spread throughout Judea like a contagious rash. The Word was everywhere.

*

Johnny the B’s disciples – you remember Johnny – heard about all Jesus’ goings-ons and told Johnny everything they new. Johnny sent two of them - we think they were Wendell and Fred - to find Jesus and ask him if he is “the one who was to come” or should they expect someone else. Jesus was real busy curing people of diseases, casting out evil spirits and such when Wendell and Fred put the question to him. Jesus as an answer said, “Watch this one” and promptly gave a whole batch of blind people sight. “Go back to John” he said to the messengers “and tell him what you have seen and heard. The blind receive sight, the lame walk, the gamblers fill inside straights, the lepers are cleansed, Wily Coyote catches the Roadrunner, the deaf hear and the good news is given to the poor. Then you ask John whether he thinks I’m the one or not.” For emphasis, he turned to the crowd and zapped a couple more dead people back to life.

After Wendell and Fred departed, Jesus turned to the crowd and began to speak about Johnny the B. “What did you go out into the desert to see? Reeds swayed by the winds? A man dressed in fine clothes? Lizards basking in the sun? The Oprah Winfrey show? Of course not. You went out there looking for a prophet and if you stumbled on Johnny,
you hit the mark. Not only did you find a prophet, you found the one of which it was written, ‘I will send my messenger ahead of you, who will prepare the way before you.’ I’m telling you folks, among those born of women no one is greater than Johnny the B. Among those born of test tubes and other freaky stuff, John is still pretty high up.” And then he said, “And yet the one who is least in the Kingdom of God is greater than John,” because he wanted everyone to know that the Kingdom of God had some real high falutin’ people.

All the people, even the tax collectors, Yankee fans, and other evil sorts, upon hearing Jesus’ word, acknowledged that By-God he must be right, because they had been baptized by Johnny himself and were leaning towards that way of thinking anyway. The Pharisees, on the other hand, were not so quick to sign on to Jesus’ plan, because they had not been baptized by John his own self. Some of them, in fact, had been dunked by a guy wandering through offering baptisms for a discounted price. His name might have been Barnum, but the records are unclear on this point.

Jesus continued his rant, saying, “To what then, can I compare the people of this generation? Popinjays? Turkeys? Well, sure, those work, but they are also like children sitting in the marketplace and calling out to each other,

We played the flute for you and you did not dance.
What, you got two left feet?
We sang a dirge for you and you did not cry.
What are you, some kind of ingrate? Do you know how hard it is to get children to sing dirges?’


For Johnny the B came neither eating bread nor drinking wine - he had put on a few pounds and was dieting – and you had the nerve to say, ‘he has a demon.’ Really? Just because a guy won’t take a drink? And then I come along eating and drinking and you say, ‘Here is a glutton, a drunk, a friend of tax collectors - a truly low blow that one - and a pal to sinners.’ I’m telling ya, you guys need to make up your minds on that one. No matter, though, wisdom is proved right by all her children. I’m not quite sure just how many children wisdom has, but they are all right, you can count on that.”

*

When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, Jesus said why not and joined him at his table. A woman in the town, who had lived a sinful life, cheating, gambling and buying Oakland Raider season tickets, heard that Jesus was dining there and hustled over to meet him. She carried an alabaster jar of perfume with her, figuring it might come in handy. When she got there, she unaccountably started bawling like a baby and got tears all over Jesus’ feet. Not wanting to mess up the Pharisees good linen, she dropped down and wiped off the tears with her hair. Then she kissed Jesus feet and sprinkled them with perfume, this last being peculiar, because most people at that time wore perfume sort of up and around their heads.

When the Pharisee saw what was going on, he thought to himself, if this faker was really a prophet, he would know what kind of woman this person is, the sinning kind, and he would do something other than sit there with his feet smelling better.

Jesus, who was tuning in, said to the Pharisee whose name was Simon, “Simon, you slug, I’ve got something to tell you. First off, watch your thoughts around me because I read minds. Second, two people owed money to a moneylender. One owed him five hundred Denari, the other fifty. Neither had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of the two men will love him more?

The Pharisee answered, “Simon says take two steps backwards.” Jesus looked bewildered. “Nevermind,” the Pharisee continued, “it’s just a game we play around here.” Then he said, “Before I answer that, can I get the name of this moneylender? I could use a few thousand Dinaris myself, and he sounds like the kind of guy I want to borrow from. Oh, this is just a tale to make a point? All right then, I’d say the guy who had the biggest debt.”

Jesus said, “Good call, you have the right answer.”

Then he turned towards the woman while saying to Simon, “Do you see this woman?” To which Simon replied, “Er, ah, yeah, she’s standing right there.” Jesus ignored him and continued, “When I came into your house you did not give me any water for my feet that were not only dirty, but a little thirsty. This woman wet my feet with her tears and then wiped them off with her hair which is now stringy, dirty and damp. On top of that, when I came in you didn’t give me a kiss. What are you afraid of, somebody will call you gay? This woman, though, has not stopped kissing my feet since the moment I got here. Okay, that’s a little obsessive, but still, she’s doing her best to make me feel welcome. And you, you high falutin’ Pharisee, you didn’t even put oil on my head to help me keep my hair in place while this woman doused my feet in perfume. Okay, that’s weird too, but nobody likes stinky feet. Therefore I tell you Bub, that HER many sins are forgiven along with her weirdness, because she has shown great love. You, on the other hand, well you have to remember that whoever has forgiven little loves little, so when you get the opportunity, forgive a lot. Jesus then turns to the woman and says, “You have been saved by your faith and your sins are forgiven. Now go in peace and wash your hair, it’s a mess. “

The other guests began to ask among themselves, “Who is this bloke who thinks he can forgive sins?” but nobody had an answer so they let it drop.

*

Chapter 8. The Parable of the Sower. (That’s right, not sewer, sower.)

After this unusual dinner date, Jesus traveled about from town to town proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God; you know, the life ever after and free golf stuff. His twelve buds were with him and also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and I’m not taking tequila although that could apply. Mary Magdalene was one of them and she held the record with seven demons sent packing. Joanna, the wife of Chuza, whose last name was Card-any-card was there, and so was Susanna who managed Herod’s household along with many others from the distaff side. These women were there to help support the guys from their own means although we are not sure what those means meant.

Wherever large crowds gathered, like at wrestling events and cock fights, Jesus would tell this parable: “A farmer went out to sow his seeds. (This was not a euphemism for THAT kind of seed sowing, perverts. He’s talking about real seeds, the kind from plants)
As he was scattering the seeds, some fell on the path and was trampled or eaten by birds. Other seeds landed on rock where there was no moisture to aid their growth. Still more seeds landed among thorny weeds and couldn’t compete. It was clear at this point that the farmer was a poor seed scatter-er and should have gotten help. Nevertheless, he did manage to throw some seeds on good soil and they yielded a crop a hundred times more than was sown! Clearly these were kick-ass seeds!

After he recited this parable, Jesus called out. “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”
As every last jack assembled there had ears, many of the people wondered at the necessity of saying this at all, but then, Jesus was a charismatic dude, so they paid attention and listened up.

Jesus’ disciples huddled around him and whispered, “Yo Boss, uh, what exactly does the parable mean? “

Jesus replied, “You guys are a bunch of forgetful knuckleheads. I’ve already given you the secrets of my Old Man’s kingdom and I am not going to repeat it. You guys should know this stuff. I speak in parables to others so that though seeing, they may not see and though hearing, they may not understand. Got it? No? All right, I’ll go over it again.

The meaning of the parable is this: The seed is the word of God, My Pop. The people along the path are the ones who hear but get tripped up by the devil who takes the word out of their hearts so they won’t believe and be saved. He’s a tricky one that devil. Looks a lot like a game show host. The people on the rocks receive the word of the Big Fella with joy, but their faith doesn’t stand the test of time. These people are also doomed I tell ya, doomed. The people represented by the seeds among the weeds get the word choked out of them by their own worries, riches, pleasures and too much reality TV, so they fall by the wayside as well. But, Hurray! The people of the good seeds that fell on good soil have noble hearts and other fine body parts, so they get a bonanza crop to show for it.

You get it? Still no? Okay let me elaborate further.

*

Nobody lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under the bed. Am I right? You’d get no light from the first and probably a fire from the second. There is nothing hidden that won’t come out sooner or later, most likely in the tabloids. Scandal is the name of that tune. Therefore consider carefully how you listen. I highly recommend, as I’ve said earlier, that you use your ears. And remember this: Those who have will be given more and those who do not have a pot to tinkle in will have even what they think they have taken from them! Some Republicans will tell you that’s how it is supposed to be.”

*

Jesus was holding forth one day in a man’s house when his mother and brothers came to see him. The crowd was so dense in the house and the line outside so long that they couldn’t get in. They told the guards to send word to Jesus that they were waiting outside. Jesus said to the crowd, “My mother and brothers are those who hear Dad’s words and put them into practice.” He then sent word back to the door guards that nobody gets in unless they are on the list or are really hot and can dance well. And that includes his family.

*

One day shortly after that, Jesus told his disciples he would like to go to the other side of the lake, so they readied the boat. As they were sailing along Jesus nodded off and a squall came up, threatening to sink the boat. The disciples woke Jesus and told him they were all going to drown. “Oh man,” Jesus said, “don’t you have any faith? Back off and give me some room.” Jesus then stood up and rebuked the wind and raging water, saying something like, be gone Bozos and, of course, what with God being his father and all, the storm abated and Jesus went back to napping and dreaming about all the cheeseburgers he’d get to eat when he made it back to heaven.

The disciples, though, were a little freaked. Who is this dude, they wondered, who can command the wind and water? The disciples, it was becoming ever more clear to me, were not real quick on the uptake.

*

They sailed to the region of Gerasenes which is across the lake from Galilee and nowhere near Hoboken. When Jesus stepped ashore he was met by a naked dude dubbed Loopy who lived in the nearby tombs and was possessed by a demon most people called Carl. The moment the man saw Jesus, he flopped down at his feet and said, “What do you want with me oh Son of the Most High Muckymuck?” He then started hollering. “Don’t torture me,” because Jesus had commanded Carl to leave the man and demons don’t like to be without a host body. “What is your real name punk?” Jesus asked, and the demon said, I am Legion, because, as it turned out, there were a bunch of demons inside the man, not just Carl. The demons all started pleading with Jesus not to send them down into the Abyss, which was a place where not much was going on and television reception was poor because you couldn’t get cable.

As it happened, there was a herd of pigs slopping around on a hillside near the lake and the demons begged Jesus to put them into the pigs and not the Abyss. “Alrighty then,” said Jesus, “You asked for it, you got it” and with that the demons were all transferred into the pigs.

The pigs were totally freaked, of course. They didn’t care for demons inside of them anymore than people did. With Jesus lending a psychic hand, they tore down the hillside and jumped into the lake where they all drowned. Most of the demons drowned too, but a few escaped into a passing shark that would later star in the book and movie “Jaws.”

When the pig herders saw all their pigs floating dead on the water, they wanted Jesus to reimburse them, but Jesus said, “Sorry Old Chaps I’m a bit short” or something like that, so the herders went into the town and told everyone what had happened. The townspeople, who rarely had anything exciting to talk about, hiked on out to the lake to see what was going on.

What they saw was the dead pigs floating out to sea on the tide and they knew there would be a pork chop shortage for a goodly while, but what most caught their attention was Loopy, all dressed, cleaned up, acting rational and sitting at Jesus feet. “What have you done to Loopy and Carl?” they asked Jesus. “I fixed them.” Jesus replied, “What does it look like?”

This so frightened the people of Gerasenes that they asked Jesus to leave. Dead pigs, cured madmen and demon ridding were a little too much for them.

Jesus figured he couldn’t change their minds without zapping them with his special powers, so he got back in his boat and sailed away. Loopy wanted to go with him but Jesus told him to stay there and tell everybody how happy he was to be demon free and what a good bloke Jesus was.

*

When Jesus deboated back in Galilee, a cheering crowd was waiting, a high school marching band was playing, and there were flags and pennants flying, because kicking the stuffing out of demons was a rare thing and word had gotten around that Jesus was the man for the job. A guy named Jairus, a honcho in the synagogue, threw himself at Jesus’ feet which, he figured, was a good way to get his attention. “My twelve year old daughter is dying” he said to Jesus. “Can you help me?” “You bet” said Jesus. “No problemo.” They set off for Jairus’ house, but along the way a woman who had been bleeding for twelve years, which you know, is a long freakin’ time to be bleeding, snuck through the crowd, came up and touched Jesus’ cloak. Her bleeding stopped immediately!

“Who just touched me?” Jesus wanted to know.

The disciple Peter said, “Yo Boss, there’s lots of people crowding ‘round. Could have been anybody.”

The woman, though, realized she would be found out, so she too fell at Jesus feet because by then everybody knew this was the way to get his attention. She cried out, “I did it, I did it. I touched your robe.” Then she told him why and how the bleeding stopped when she did it.

“Good move” Jesus said to the woman. “But how did you know this was a magical garment?”

The woman just shrugged and said, “Lucky guess, I suppose.”

“Go in peace then” said Jesus, “Your faith has saved you. Well, that and your lucky guess.”

Just then a guy from Jairius’ house came running up and told Jesus and Jairius, the two J’s, not to bother with the daughter she had already slipped off to Everland.

“Not to worry,” Jesus told Jairius. “Just believe that she is better and she will be.”
“Okay” said Jairius, but he worried anyway.

When they got to Jairius’ house, Jesus let no one enter except Peter, John, James and the dead girl’s mother and father. The other disciples were a little miffed, but they stayed outside as part of crowd control.

The crowd was, as always when Jesus worked his healing magic, a big one and it sounded like everyone in it was wailing at maximum decibels. I mean they were a really noisy bunch. When the mourning got so loud it began to distract Jesus, he shouted out a window to the crowd and said, “Knock it off will ya, I’m working here!” Then, after the mob had reluctantly quieted, Jesus told them the girl wasn’t dead, she was just sleeping. Of course they didn’t believe him because they knew that dead was dead and you could tell whether a person was dead or just sleeping. Jesus turned to the girl, took her by the hand and said, “Get up, child, your nap is over,” and just like that, the spirit of life and strong coffee came over her and she stood up. Jesus then told her disbelieving parents to get her something to eat, the poor girl was fainting with hunger, followed by his usual admonitions to not tell anybody about what had happened. As if the whole town didn’t already know.

Chapter 9. Jesus sends out his buddies.

Jesus had begun to realize that there were so many people possessed with demons and other ailments that he couldn’t cure them all himself, so he gathered his disciples round and gave them the power and authority to take care of those problems when they stumbled on them. He then sent them out to do that and also to give a shout-out about the Kingdom of God. He sent out his dirty dozen to do his un-dirty deeds, but cautioned them not to take anything with them; no staffs, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt, no extra snug fit Haines undies and no groupies. He told them if they entered a house they should stay there until they were ready to leave the entire town. And he told them, that if they weren’t welcome in some places, they should just shake the dust off their feet and move along to the next place. “That’ll teach ‘em” he said, although I’m not sure quite how.

So off they went, this motley crew, to town and village proclaiming the good news and ignoring the bad like the rising interest rates and also healing the odd leper here and there.

Now Herod the tetrarch, being the land’s biggest Muckymuck, got wind of what was going on and wanted the facts, just the facts , ma’am. Some people were saying that Johnny the B had been raised from the dead, but he knew that couldn’t be, because he had Johnny’s head hanging on a pike in his basement. Other people were saying that Elijah was making a return engagement, but that seemed unlikely as well, what with Elijah having to be a hundred something for that to be happening. Herod determined he would have to find out for himself.

*

When the disciples returned from their missions to be debriefed by Jesus, he took them to the town of Bethsaida hoping they could be alone, but the ubiquitous crowds learned about the plan from a deep cover mole in the group and followed them there. Jesus, being the big hearted dude that he was, didn’t take offense. Instead, he welcomed them, told them about his Pop’s plan for a good time in the afterlife, cured all their maladies and drove out an odd demon or two. The crowd had caught him in a really good mood.

Late in the afternoon though, the crowd was getting hungry and restless, so the Twelve D’s suggested to Jesus that he send all the people into the hillsides to find Reststops advertizing, food, lodging and gas. Jesus said, “Nah, just give them something to eat.”
One of the braver disciples pointed out to Jesus that there were give or take about five thousand people hanging around and the only food the disciples could muster was five loaves of bread and a couple of fish. “Herd them into groups of fifty and I’ll take care of it” Jesus told them, so the skeptical D’s went off and did that. Jesus then looked skyward and muttered something to his Old Man who always came through in the clutch and sure enough the fish and bread was enough for everybody. There was so much grub, in fact, that the disciples picked up twelve baskets of leftovers.

*

Once when Jesus was praying in private for we don’t know what seeing as how he got pretty much whatever asked for, he turned to his disciples who were as usual lounging about and asked, “Who do the crowds say I am?” “Why some say John the Baptist and others think you are Elijah,” they replied. “But what about you? Jesus asked. “Who do you think I am? “You da man! The Big Wahunka, God’s Messiah” Peter answered for all of them. “Alrighty then” Jesus responded, “You got that right!”

*

One day while looking Solemn and Grave, which is not a law firm, Jesus told his sidekicks that The Son of Man, namely his own self, was going to have to suffer plenty before he got back home. He was going to be rejected by all the Elders, Big Shot Priests, Poets, Philosophers, and American Idol worshipers, and to top it all off, he was going to be killed; not to worry about that last though, because he was going to raise back up three days after he bit the big one. He then told them to keep this all a secret. Jesus was big on secret keeping.

He then cryptically told them, “If you want to be my disciple, you will have to deny yourself a lot of good stuff like home, hearth and hot chocolate and take up life on the road with me. Those people who want to save their life will lose it instead, but those who lose it for me will save it.” A few of the boys looked a little confused by this but didn’t say anything because they knew Jesus got annoyed when he had to explain things over and over again. Jesus went on, “What good is it for you to gain the whole world and yet lose or forfeit your own self, I ask you? Does that sound like a good thing to you? Damned straight it’s not! If any of you are ashamed of me or what I have to say, then by God - and I mean that literally - I will be ashamed of you when I come back in my 1973 Nissan Glory surrounded by a flock of angels. You will be big time sorry then, I tell ya! Some of you will not taste death or crispy bacon before you see Kingdom Come.” Although they didn’t know how that last thing was possible, the disciples didn’t say anything. They had adopted a wait and see attitude.

*

About a week later Jesus took Peter, John and James up into the mountains with him to pray and see if they could spot any wildlife. There were supposed to be bears in the neighborhood and the guys were anxious to see one. After awhile, Jesus knelt to pray and he was suddenly lit up like a neon bar sign! Surprisingly, the ghosts of Moses and Elijah had appeared beside him and they too were glowing. The three of them started chatting about Jesus imminent departure to the other side, which was to happen in Jerusalem, when Peter, John and James woke up from a nap they were taking under a shady tree. They too were surprised and a bit awed to see the three holy men lit up like a Broadway Marquee and didn’t know what to say. It was Peter who finally spoke up and said to Jesus, “Let’s put up three shelters, one for you, one for Moses and one for Elijah and don’t worry about us. We’ll just stay outside in the weather.” He was clearly babbling. As he was speaking, though, a cloud dropped out of the sky obscuring everyone and scaring the three disciples half to death. A powerful James Earl Jones like voice came from the cloud and said, “This is my Son, uh, Jesus…sorry, it slipped my mind there for a minute, I have so many sons on other planets, but anyway, I have chosen him to represent me here on earth, so listen to what he says. Got that? After the voice had spoken, the cloud lifted and the boys saw that Jesus was again alone. They decided among themselves not to mention this whole incident to anyone else for fear they would be laughed at and considered bonkers.

*

The next day, when they came down from the mountain, the usual large crowd popped out of the bushes to meet them. From it, a man cried out, “Yo Teacher, take a look at my son, willya? I’ve only got the one and some creepy spirit possesses him, throws him to the ground where he has convulsions, and makes him foam at the mouth. It’s a pretty nasty thing to have to watch happen to your kid, so I was wondering if maybe you would take a shot at doing something for him? Your disciples already tried, but they all came up empty.”

Jesus was a little miffed at this and said something about what an unbelieving, perverse generation he was having to deal with, but in the end hollered back, “Yeah, all right, bring the brat to me.”

As the boy was walking towards Jesus the demon spirit said, “Not so fast Short Stuff,” threw the kid to the ground and flopped him around like a fish out of water.

Jesus said, “Not so fast yourself” to the spirit and then cast him out with a flick of his wrist. Everybody watching was, of course, amazed, because you don’t get to see that sort of thing on a regular basis unless you pal-ed around with Jesus and his buds.

*

So while the whole crowd was milling about, marveling at what they had just seen, Jesus figured this would be a good time to take advantage of the moment and give a little speech. “Listen carefully to what I am about to say” he began. “The Son of Man – that would be my own self,” - he had to keep reminding them of that – “is going to be delivered over to human hands.” No one understood what this meant, but they were afraid to ask for clarification, because Jesus was clearly a dude with super powers and you don’t mess with someone like that.

Over to the side, the disciples were arguing which of THEM would be the greatest. Jesus read their thoughts because he could, and then took a small child over to the disciples and said, “Whoever welcomes this little kid in my name welcomes me as well. And whoever welcomes me, welcomes the one who sent me.” The disciples all started shouting “I do! I do! I welcome you! Because they were all, as we have seen, a bunch of suck-ups. Jesus then said, “Whoever is least among you will be the greatest.” The disciples got all quiet and humble looking, but most were wondering how you could decide who is least.

“Master,” said John trying to change the subject, “we saw a guy we didn’t know trying to drive out demons in your name. We tried to stop him, but he persisted. What should we do?” “Leave the guy alone” said Jesus. If he’s not against us he’s probably for us. And besides that, there’s no shortage of demons around here. In fact, the place is crawling with them. Why it’s nearly as bad as a Yankee locker room.”

*

As the time grew near for Jesus to head for Heaven, he plodded resolutely along to Jerusalem where his flight to the Pearly Gates was listed on the bulletin board under Departures. He sent a couple of scouts ahead to a nearby Samaritan village to get things ready for him. Things like luggage and carry-ons, we suppose. The people there, though, were not good Samaritans and they hated anything having to do with Jerusalem whose ball club had defeated them eleven times in a row. When James and John noted this, they said to Jesus, “What do you say, Big Guy? Should we call some fire down from Heaven and smoke these creeps?” “Nah,” said Jesus, “let them be. You don’t know what it’s like to lose eleven in a row.”

Jesus walked along then in a kind of foul mood. A man came up to him and said, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus ignored him. He had enough stalkers. Then he said in a kind of woe is me voice, “Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but I have no place to lay my head. It ain’t easy being a wanderer.” He then turned to another man standing along the road and said, “Follow me.” He liked the guy’s looks. The man said, “Okay, but first I have to go bury my father. He’s been dead a few days now and he’s getting a little gamey.” Jesus said, “Let the dead bury their dead. You go and proclaim the kingdom of my Pop, the Big Fella.” The guy said, “Alrighty then,” but he was thinking, if the dead get up and start doing anything, let alone burying each other, I’m out of here!

Another guy said he would follow Jesus, but he had to say good-bye to his family first. Jesus, still in a bad mood, cried out, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” This may account for why we have fewer and fewer farmers every year and even when you do see a guy on a plow, he’s always looking forward.

*

Chapter 10. General Jesus Sends Out Recon

After he had sketched his plan in the dirt with a pointed stick, Jesus selected 72 steel eyed men from the latest gathering and sent them out two by two to recon the towns along the way to Jerusalem. He counseled them by saying, “Look, the harvest this year is plentiful. Problem is, there are not enough workers to go around. This may be because I said that thing about people plowing, but forget about that for a minute. I want you to go up to the Lord of the Harvest - tall guy wearing Carhardt, you can’t miss him - and volunteer your services. I’m sending you out like a lamb among wolves, which generally doesn’t turn out well for the lambs, but forget about that too. Don’t take anything with you. No wallets, bags or purses. You guys that carry purses have a hard enough time as it is, so leave them behind. And don’t stop to chat with people along the way. That’s my job. You’ve got your own a job to do. Am I clear? Alright then, get moving.”

A couple of the guys wanted more instructions, so Jesus said to them, “When you enter somebody’s house, wipe your feet on the welcome mat and then say ‘Peace to this house.’ If the head of the house loves peace, your peace will be welcomed there as well. If he doesn’t, well, that’s part of that lambs to the wolves thing I was talking about. Eat and drink whatever they give you there. If you’ve put in a day’s work at the harvest, you deserve a decent meal. Don’t go from house to house. Stay put and don’t complain.”

A PFC in the back row asks, “What do we do when we first get to town?” Jesus mumbles something about do I have to explain everything, but says aloud, “If they welcome you there, eat what they give you, heal the sick, punch out a couple of demons and then assure the townspeople that the Kingdom of God’s Three Ring Circus is coming to a place near them soon. Of course, if you are not welcomed, you have got to shake the town’s dust from your feet and loudly shout that everyone there is missing out on the Kingdom’s show and the whole town is going to suffer a fate worse than Sodom’s. That’ll teach the bastards.”

Jesus went on one of his rants after that. “Woe to you Korazin and woe to you Bethsaida.” My research has determined that these were towns where Jesus had done his miracle magic, but the people there were either unimpressed or aligned with Darth Vader and the Dark Side. “If I had performed the same miracles that I put out for you in the towns Tyre and Sidon, the people there would already have repented and partied down about the good news. They would be wearing sackcloth and ashes because those are good clothes to party in. I mean you won’t care if you spill something on them. So I’m telling you now Korazin and Bethsaida, it’s going to go bad for you on Judgment Day. And listen up Capernaum. It’s not going to go well for you either. You will be going down dudes, not up.”

Jesus turned back to his troops and said, “Fall in. Now remember, whoever listens to you, listens to me. And whoever rejects you and, uh, therefore me, also rejects the Fella who sent me and you know who that is!” He then sent his 72 scouts off to do what he had ordered.

When the 72 came back awhile later, they were happy as clams. “Lawdie, lawdie”, they said. “Even the demons submit to us when we tangle with them in your name. We wrestle them to the ground and ask ‘Who’s your daddy?’ and they cry out ‘Uncle’ which doesn’t make any sense, but at least they submit.”

Jesus said, “I saw Satan drop like a stone from heaven. The bottom of the cloud he was standing on just fell right out.” The 72 were not sure what this had to do with anything, but before they could ask Jesus went on. “I have given you the authority to trample on snakes and scorpions as long as you say sorry to them when you do it. I mean they’re not bad things. They just shouldn’t be in the house. And I’ve given you super powers to overcome any enemy. Nothing can harm you. Don’t take advantage of this, though, and for God’s sake, don’t wear any silly costumes. And when you do in the bad guys, don’t gloat, I hate gloating. Be grateful your names are written on a chalkboard in Heaven, but remember chalkboards can be erased.”

Jesus was suddenly filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit and not the mushrooms he had eaten earlier, so don’t believe the books that say otherwise. He said, “I praise you Dad, Lord of heaven and earth and several other places, because you keep all this good stuff hidden from the wise and learned, but revealed to little children. I don’t quite understand your reasoning there, but I’m praising you for it anyway. All things have been committed to me and the little tykes who don’t know what to do with it, by my Father. No one knows who the Son is except the Father and no one knows who the father is except the mother and she’s not talking. Of course, me, the Son, does get to reveal some things to his buddies.”

He turned then, to his buddies, the disciples, and said, “Blessed are the eyes that see what you see and you know what I’m talking about. A lot of prophets and kings want to see what you’re seeing and hear what you’re hearing, but to them I say ‘Fat chance.’ This stuff is just between us and that bunch of little kids over there.”

*

There came a time when Jesus was questioned by a professor of law. “Teacher” the Prof quizzed, “what must I do to have eternal life and shave a few strokes from my golf score?” Jesus replied, “What does the law say and how do you interpret it?” The Prof, wanting to show off his knowledge, shouted out, “It says, “Love God with all your heart and soul and all your other body parts along with your strength and your mind and also love your neighbor even if he or she is annoying.” Jesus said, “That’s correct, next question. You there in the back row, what do you want to ask?” But before the guy could answer, the Prof butted in with “And just who is my neighbor?”

Jesus answered by saying, “Picture a guy walking along the road who gets jumped by a bunch of robbers. They beat the poor guy up, steal his clothes and leave him bleeding at the curb. A short while later a priest walks by, sees the man, crosses to the other side of the road and walks on by. Walk on by would be a good song title, but that’s another parable. Soon after the priest, a Levite, comes strolling along and he decides he wants nothing to do with the beat up fellow, so he too walks on by. A third man, a Samaritan from Samaritania, comes bopping along and he goes right to the battered fellow’s aid. He treats and bandages the guy’s wounds, hoists him onto his donkey and takes him to a nearby inn. The next day he pays the innkeeper to look after the wounded dude and then goes on about his own business. Before he goes, he tells the innkeeper he will return and pay for any expenses the robbed man might incur. So there you have that. Did you get it? Now, which one of those guys would you say was the victim’s neighbor?

The Prof thought about this for a minute because he figured it had to be a trick question. I mean the answer was too easy. Finally he said, “The Samaritan, right?” Jesus gave a wink and said, “Good thinking there, smart fella. Now go and do the same as the Samaritan and I promise you eternal life and an end to three putting.”

*

As Jesus and his band of not so merry men were heading home, they stopped at the house of Martha and Mary, a couple of sisters. Mary immediately plopped down at Jesus’ feet while Martha set off to make all the preparations necessary for Jesus and his twelve groupies. Martha got a little fed up with this arrangement and asked Jesus to make Mary pitch in with the work. Jesus said “Chill out Martha. You worry too much. We have everything we need and Mary is doing what’s best for her; sitting at my feet, admiring my toes, listening to my stories. Why would I want to take that good stuff away from her?” Martha listened to this lame explanation and then stormed off to the kitchen where she ate all the appetizers herself.

*

Chapter 11 Prayer Preaching

Jesus was hanging around somewhat bored, playing Solitaire and wondering how long before TV would be invented, so he began to pray. One of his disciples asked him if he would teach them a prayer or two. Jesus rapped out The Lord’s Prayer which he had not only written, but knew by heart. When he finished, he found himself in the mood for lecturing so he turned to the disciples and said, “Suppose you have a buddy and you go to him in the middle of the night and ask him for three loaves of bread. Another friend has just come into town and you have nothing to feed him. And suppose your buddy says, ‘Bugger off. Me and the wife and kids are all in bed and I can’t be bothered.’ “Even though your buddy won’t give you bread out of friendship, if you keep insisting, he will surely get up and hand over the loaves because of your audacity. I call this the squeaky wheel theory. You know, it’s the squeaky wheel that gets oiled.”

The disciples didn’t get this because they weren’t paying close attention. They were busy learning The Lord’s Prayer.

Jesus went on, “So I say to you and anyone else listening in, ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened. Got that? Now give it a try. One of the disciples piped up with, “Can I have a steak, baked potato and a nice salad for dinner?”

Jesus said, “Be serious” and went on preaching. Which of you who are fathers would give your son a snake if he asked for a fish? I mean you would really have to hate your kid to do that, right? And which of you would give him a scorpion if he asked for an egg? Even you mean bastards wouldn’t do that. How much more, then, will our Big Father in heaven give us if we ask nicely? I’m thinking a lot. Don’t get greedy though, he hates that.”

*

Then there was a day when Jesus was driving out a demon from a mute man. When the deed was done and the demon had gone to wherever demons go, Washington probably, the man began to speak. The crowd that was watching this take place said only Beelzebub, the prince of demons could do that. Jesus said, “I beg to differ. A house divided against its self will fall unless the architect has done something really tricky like underground supports. So I say to you, if I’m driving out the demons in the devil’s name, who are you going to get to drive them out in your name? Ghostbusters? But if I drive them out by the finger of God – and trust me, that’s all he needs is one finger – then By God, the kingdom has come to you.” This not only made his point but was also the origin of the phrase “Kingdom come.”

Now that he had the crowd’s attention, Jesus figured he’d give them another lesson or two. “When a strong man, armed to the teeth, defends his house, his possessions are safe. Until, that is, a stronger, better armed man comes along and beats the bejesus out of him and takes his stuff. So I’m saying you ought to be on my side, because if you are not, you are against me and I’m telling you right now that I am the baddest strongman man in town. Those lining up against me best book passage for parts unknown right now!” Jesus could talk some smack when he needed to.

A curious guy in the back of the room asked Jesus where demons go when they are cast out.

“When a demon comes out of a person it heads for a dry, dusty place to get some rest. It won’t be able to find any, though, so it heads back to the person it used to live in. That person is now all nice and clean inside, so the demon won’t be allowed in. Undeterred by this new goodie goodie, Mr. Clean inside, it will go round up seven or eight of his demon pals and together they will barge in and take possession of the man. This will make him worse off than when the whole thing started. The man’s new condition will be so bad, so evil, he might even consider buying strip mining stocks or playing for the Yankees.”

One listener, confused, asked, “Then why drive out the demon in the first place?”

Jesus said, “It’s just part of my job, pal. I’m only following orders.”

A woman in the crowd hollered out, “Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you.”

“Yeah, sure,” said Jesus. “But more blessed are they who hear the word of God and obey it even when it’s confusing as hell like that demon thing I just told you about.”

*

Once, when Jesus had a really big crowd, he told them, “Yours is a wicked generation. You keep asking for a sign, but you are not going to get one except for this, the sign of Jonah.” He then did something tricky with his fingers, but the crowd couldn’t make it out. I am your sign so pay attention. The Queen of the South will rise against Sarah the Queen of the North and the people of this generation and condemn her and them. For she has come from the loose ends of the earth to listen to Solomon’s Wisdom which is now out on CD, and she will stand up to this generation until it repents and starts walking the straight and narrow. She will do this mainly because I am here and, as I’ve said before, you want to stay on my good side.”

*

Sometimes Jesus just popped up with stuff even without being asked. An example of that is when he said for no reason, “None of you lights a lamp and then hides it in a place where it can’t be seen. Am I right? Can I get a hallelujah to that? Well, your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body lights up like Broadway on Opening Night. You gotta keep those eyes healthy, because without them your body gets full of darkness and you can’t really appreciate all those beauty pageants. See to it then, that your whole body is lit brighter than a big watt bulb and there’s no darkness hanging about. You know, like someone put a spotlight right on ya.”

The nearest disciple, who Jesus happened to end up looking at when he concluded this speech said, “Uh, sure Big Dude. Whatever you say.” He really had no clue.

*

Another time, a Pharisee invited Jesus over to the house for dinner. Jesus accepted and joined the guy at his table. The Pharisee was surprised when Jesus did not wash up before eating. When he confronted Jesus with this, Jesus told him, “You high falutin Pharisees clean the outsides of your cups and saucers, but inside your own selves you’re full of greed, wickedness and assorted other sins. You are foolish people.” Jesus never really liked the Pharisees. He said, “Did not the One who made the outside make the inside also? Well shape up then, and be generous to the poor. If you do that, then Presto! Everything will be clean and you won’t have to wash up before dinner either.”

Jesus was not through lecturing the Pharisee. “Woe to you Bad Dude. You give God a tenth of your mint, your rue, your garden herbs and your Dove Bars, but you neglect justice and the love of God. He doesn’t like that. You should practice the latter, but don’t quit the former because God could send Vinnie and Dom to collect. And woe to you for loving your good seats in the synagogues and at the ballpark and all those ‘yes sirs’ and ‘right away sirs’ you get at the marketplace. You’re a punch of snobs if you ask me. You’re like a bunch of unmarked graves which people walk over without knowing they’ve done it.” This unmarked grave thing was a bit vague, but Jesus was looking a little wild so no one called him on it.

One of the Pharisee law professors was there and he asked why Jesus was bad mouthing them so.

Jesus replied, “You law creeps really tick me off. Woe to you. You load people down with burdens they can barely carry, but you don’t lift a finger to help them.” He was talking about restrictive laws like no eating bacon or possessing more than an ounce of cannabis.

And still he was not done haranguing the fat cat Pharisees. “Woe to you, because you build fancy tombs for the prophets when it was your own damn ancestors who did the prophets in! What, you think this tomb building will get you off the hook? Well, I’m telling you, no chance. God in his wisdom said, ‘I’ll send them prophets, apostles and telemarketers, some of whom they will kill and others who they will just persecute.’ You know what that means, don’t you? It means that God is going to hold you responsible for all the prophet bloodshed since Abel and dinosaurs walked the earth. Yup, you’re all guilty and you’re all going to get it.”

“And woe to you lawyers. You have taken away the key to knowledge and then not used the key your own selves. You could have gone right through knowledge’s door, but instead you just stood in the doorway and blocked others from going in. You are all a bunch of…well, I won’t say it, but I promise you this: There’s going to be a lot of jokes about you in the future.”

When Jesus went outside after ranting, some of the Pharisees and lawyers began their cross examination, but Jesus was too clever to be tripped up. After awhile they just quit saying, possibly for the first time, “No further questions, Your Honor.”

*

Chapter 12. Butt Kicks and Back Pats

While this was going on, a crowd of many thousands had gathered and they were tripping all over themselves trying to get close to Jesus and maybe get his autograph. Jesus turned first to his disciples and whispered, “Be on guard against the yeast of the Pharisees. It is hypocritical yeast. It says one thing and does another. Besides that, you could get an infection. Remember, nothing that is concealed will remain hidden. Everything will become known including all that sneaky yeast. What you say in the dark will be heard in the daylight and what you whisper in your girlfriend’s ear will be proclaimed from the rooftops. You want to be real careful with that. I tell you my friends, don’t be afraid of those bastards who kill your body, because after that, what can they do to you? Be afraid of the Big Guy, who once you are dead, can throw you into hell forever. I’m serious here; you need to fear that guy a lot! Are not five sparrows worth two pennies and canaries even more? Yet the Big Guy looks out for every one of them and I mean you can only imagine how busy this keeps him. He also looks after every one of you, so don’t be afraid. If you are nice guys, you’re worth more than the average sparrow. I’m talking a nickel, maybe even a dime.

I tell you Sportfans, who ever publicly acknowledges me, The Son of Man His Own Self, will also acknowledge me before the angels of God if they’ve got half a brain, because those who disown me will have to do that in front of the angels too, and trust me, they really don’t want to do that. Of course, anyone who bad mouths me will be forgiven, because I’m good about that forgiveness stuff, but if they bad mouth the Holy Spirit they won’t be forgiven and there’s no telling what will happen to them after that. I promise you it won’t be good.

When you are brought before synagogues, rulers, authorities and mean nuns, don’t worry about getting a public defender. The Holy Spirit and Sons Inc. will teach you everything you need to say in your own defense.”

*

A man in the crowd yelled out, “Teacher, tell my brother to share his inheritance with me. He’s hogging it all for himself.”

Jesus said, “Whoa there Man. Who died and made me judge. Do I look like Soloman to you? Besides, don’t be greedy. Life doesn’t consist in an abundance of possessions unless you are a Republican in the 21st Century. Let me tell you a story. There was a rich man whose fields yielded a really fat harvest. ‘Cripes’ he said, ‘I’ve got no place to put all this grain. There’s enough here to last for years and years. I know, I’ll build bigger barns and then just chill out, eat, drink, be merry and do the Watusi. Maybe even buy a ball club.’ But God, who was in the neighborhood scouting for angel talent, saw this and said, ‘You fool! You are going to bite the big one TONIGHT. What’s going to happen to all your grain after that? Don’t know, do ya? Well I’ll tell you. The rats are going to eat it.’ So you see, you hoarders and money grubbers, this is what happens when you stockpile stuff like grain and classic cars, but are not rich toward my Old Man.”

*

Then, to lighten the mood, Jesus sang out to a kind of reggae beat saying, “Don’t worry, be happy. Don’t worry about what you will eat, or what you will wear. Life is more than food and clothes. Look at the ravens. They don’t sow or reap or own barns and yet Good Old God feeds them and dresses them in a nice basic black. Well sure they have to eat worms and bugs, but at least their bellies are full. And who of you, or is it whom, is not more valuable than a bird? Okay you over there, the guy writing commercials for television, you’re not, but you’re an exception. I’m telling you that worrying won’t add a single hour to your life, so don’t worry, be happy. Consider how the lilies grow; up and in the dirt. Yet even Solomon who was a regular dandy never looked as well dressed as the here-today-gone-tomorrow lilies. Surely my Old Man will clothe ye of little faith who are going to be around a lot longer than the lilies. So buck up and don’t worry, be happy. You know the pagan world is always in pursuit of material things and God knows you need some of them, but if you seek out His kingdom, well…you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need. And quit being afraid. Forget the whole fear factor thing. Pop has given you the keys to the kingdom, if not to the car. So take all your possessions and give them to the poor. That way, you will be poor and they will be rich and have to give up all their stuff. See how they like it. And get yourself a nice purse that won’t wear out. I’m thinking leather is probably good for that. This will be a treasure in heaven, where there is a shortage of purses. And once there, no thief can steal it or moth can harm it. Remember, where your treasure is - I’m talking about your purse in heaven here – your heart will be also.”

*

Jesus was on a roll. “Keep a light on” he said, “and be dressed and ready to go. I want you to be like servants waiting for their master to come home from a wedding banquet. He’s probably going to be a little drunk and cantankerous, so it’s good to be ready to open the door no matter what the time of night. Just let him in and get him bedded down. Don’t worry about him mumbling about how he would not have let the house be broken into if he knew when the thief was coming. He has been, like I said, drinking. I mean, if you know when the thief is coming…well, the rest goes without saying. What I’m trying to say here is, when the Son of Man comes for you, it will be when you least expect it. So…when you least expect it, expect it. And be ready.”

Peter was hanging around like always and asked Jesus who he was talking to. “Is this parable for us or for everybody?” he said.

Jesus was a man who was big on answering a question with a question so he asked, “Who is the guy who the master puts in charge of his servants while he is away? You know, the guy who feeds them, assigns them jobs, drops off the pay envelopes and buys the doughnuts on Friday? That guy is going to be well rewarded if he’s on the job, doing the job, when the master returns. On the other hand, if the guy, let’s call him the foreman, begins to drink heavily and abuses his charges, both men and women, then By God, and I mean that literally, the master will return home at some unexpected hour and chop that foreman to pieces as if he were a teenager in a horror movie. The servant who knows what the master wants and doesn’t do it will get beaten with many blows. This is a little harsh, I grant you, but it’s better than getting cut to pieces. The servant who doesn’t know what the master wants and doesn’t read his mind will also get beaten, but not as badly. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. From whomever is given much, much will be demanded and from whomever is entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”

Peter thought to himself, well okay, if that’s how it is, fine. But you didn’t answer my question. He didn’t say it out loud, though, because Jesus was already rolling on another subject.

*

“I have come to bring fire on the earth,” he said, “and I wish it were already ablaze. First, I have to get baptized and until then I’ve got to keep my matches in my pocket. Do you think I’ve come to bring peace on earth? Well wrongo, Olive Branch! I am here to stir things up and pit people against each other. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. I could make it four against one, but that would be too unfair. I’m going to set father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and everybody against mothers-in-law. Brothers and sisters are going to fight like cats and dogs. Apart from that simile, I’ll leave the pets out of it. Don’t let that Prince of Peace moniker fool you Dove-wavers, I’m here to roil, boil, and broil. But first I’ve got to get baptized.”

*

Jesus wasn’t always a talkative guy, but when he got on a roll there was no stopping him. He said to the crowd: “When you see a cloud rising in the west, right away you say it is going to rain and, wouldn’t you know it, it rains. And when the south wind blows, you say it is going to be hot and, sure enough, it gets hot. Well you’re all a bunch of big, fat Hypocrites! You can interpret the earth and the sky, but you don’t know how to interpret this present time!”

The crowd said, “Huh?” but Jesus ranted on.

“Why don’t you judge for yourselves what is right? As you are going with your adversary to the magistrate, try hard to be reconciled on the way or your adversary may drag you to the judge and the judge will turn you over to the jailer and the jailer will slam you into the prison. And I’m telling you it will take your every last penny to get out. Ya follow me?”

“Suurrre we do, Jesus. Whatever you say Dude” was the general response from the crowd.

*

Chapter 13. Repent of Perish

Now there were some gossips present who told Jesus about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mixed with their sacrifices.
Jesus said, “Do you think these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galilean sinners because they suffered this way? Well, I tell you hell no! They were just run of the mill sinners like everybody else. They should have then, and you ought to now, repent or you will perish. Give it up for the Big Guy or bite the big bullet. And those eighteen slow footed people who died when the tower in Siloam fell on them – do you think they were guiltier than the other people lounging around that day in Jerusalem? Nope they weren’t. They just picked the shade of the wrong building to sit under. So I’ll tell you again, repent or you too will perish, although maybe not by having a tower fall on you.”

Then Jesus went off on one of his parables, because he could see the dazed look in the eyes of those listening and he thought there’s nothing like a good parable to make things clear.

“A man had a fig tree growing in his vineyard, hoping, we suppose, that one day he would be able to produce some good fig wine. He went out to the tree looking to find some fruit, but there was none on the tree. So he said to the man, who took care of his vineyard, ‘I’ve been coming here for three years and there is no fruit. Where’s my freaking fruit? Cut this tree down, it’s just taking up space.” The man said, ‘Get a grip there Boss. I’ll dig around the tree and fertilize the heck out of it for a year and if it still doesn’t bear fruit, well, then we’ll cut it down.’ So there you have that parable. Now do you get what I’m driving at?”

The crowd wasn’t sure what a fig tree had to do with repenting, but they knew that if Jesus said it, it must have meant something important. They gave out with their “Suurrre we do” response yet another time and then went off to the nearest bar in search of clarification.

*


It was the Sabbath and Jesus was hanging around the synagogue teaching one thing and another while waiting for an opportunity to really show off. A woman who had been crippled by a spirit (A spook who shall remain nameless because of possible legal repercussions from the PCLU, the Pharisee Civil Liberties Union) and had been bent over for eighteen years, came walking by and Jesus hollered to her, “You are set free from your infirmity.” He then put his hands on her and she straightened right up, praising God
to beat the band as she did so. “Thanks Almighty,” she said. “You’re the best. No kidding Man, I owe ya.” She then skipped out of the synagogue singing, “I’m so pretty. I’m so pretty. I’m so pretty and witty and tall. ”

The high mucky-muck of the synagogue, however, was not amused. He was, in fact, indignant and showed it. He said, “Jesus Christ! There are six days of the week to be wheeling, dealing and healing. You shouldn’t be doing it on the Sabbath.”

The Lord jumped all over his case. “You’re all a bunch of hypocrites! Doesn’t each of you untie his ox or donkey and lead him to water on the Sabbath? Well it’s the same thing, walking a donkey or healing the sick. Why shouldn’t this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan, the Bastard, has kept bound for eighteen years, be set free on the Sabbath like any other day? Answer me that, you bunch of donkey walking dimwits.”

When he said this, all his opponents were humiliated, but the people were delighted by the wonderful things he was doing and also that he was putting down the high falutin’ synagogue snobs.

*

Then Jesus threw out a couple more parables to see if anyone in the crowd was sharp enough to ride in the Cash Cab. He asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What can I compare it to? It’s like a mustard seed that a dude plants in his garden. It grows and becomes a tree and birds perch in its branches. What? That’s not clear? Okay, how ‘bout this? It is like yeast that a dudette takes and mixes into eighteen pounds of flour until it is worked well into the dough. I’m talking cinnamon buns here people, the best.”

To the crowd at large what all this meant was that if you were looking for a place where birds perched in trees and cinnamon buns were readily available, then the Kingdom of God was the place to be. They were a pretty literal bunch.

*

Jesus wandered from town to town on his way to Jerusalem teaching lessons and making metaphors. Someone asked him, “Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?” Jesus went off big time on that one. “Make an effort to enter through the narrow door, because, many, I tell ya Bub, will try to enter and will not be able to. Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you’re toast. You will stand outside knocking and pleading and whining, saying, ‘Sir, open the door for us.’ But he will answer, ‘I don’t know you or the horse you came in on.’ And then you will say, ‘We ate and drank with you and you taught in our streets!’ But still he will say, ‘That’s news to me. Take a hike Evildoers and don’t show your face around here again.’ There will be weeping after that and gnashing of teeth. Never forget to gnash your teeth when it is called for. You will see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, not to mention Martin, Bobby and John and all the rest of the prophets enjoying pastries in the Kingdom of My Pop, but you will be left outside looking in. People will come from all parts of the compass to dig in at a feast in the Kingdom and those who are last shall be first and those who are first shall be last. Those in the middle will keep their place in line.”

The man who had asked the question was discouraged by this news, but he was an optimist so he went off looking for a narrow door.

*

Later, some Pharisees came to Jesus and suggested he go somewhere else. They told the Son of the Big Wahunka that Herod was out to kill him.

“Chill,” Jesus said to them. “Go tell Herod that old fox, that I will keep on driving out demons and healing the unhealthy today, tomorrow and on the third day I will reach my goal which is 463 demons and a thousand sickos made well, and not to worry your own self because no prophet can die outside of Jerusalem. This last thing being why most prophets give Jerusalem a wide berth. “

Jesus then went off on a kind of sorrowful lament for Jerusalem. “Jer-U, Jer-U, Jer-U,” he said in a way Cary Grant would imitate years later, “you who kill prophets and stone bike messengers, how often I have longed to gather your children together…how often? Well darn often, that’s how often…gather them as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but that’s not possible because you have too many kids, but you get my drift and NO, you won’t even let me try. Well, I’m telling you right now, you won’t see me again until you’re ready to say blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord, so write that on your blackboard a hundred times and commit it to memory. Blessed is he who comes in the name of the lord. Blessed is he who…etc.”

*

Chapter 14.

One Sabbath, Jesus went over to the house of a prominent Pharisee to catch a bite. He was carefully watched by the host and his pals to see what he would do. There was a man in attendance who was suffering from an abnormal swelling of his body. Not a fat man, mind you, a swollen man. Jesus asked the Pharisees if it was lawful to heal on the Sabbath, but the Pharisees had nothing to say. Mumbling ‘bunch of chickens’ to himself, Jesus took out a pin, pricked the guy and watched him hiss down to a normal size. Then he turned to the Pharisees who might have been impressed, but were keeping mum and said, “If one of you has a child or an ox that falls into a well on the Sabbath, wouldn’t you immediately pull him out? Okay, the ox might be a problem, but the kid for sure, right?” Still the Pharisees said nothing, so Jesus concluded they were all just dumb struck; cat gotcher tongue kind of thing.

When Jesus saw how the guests chose their places of honor at the dinner table, he rattled off this parable: When someone invites you to a wedding feast, don’t take the highest place of honor, Dimwit, that’s for the groom. If you sit there, the best man will come along and move your butt out of the chair. You’ll be all embarrassed and humiliated in front of the bridesmaids. What you do instead, is you take a seat far from the best. That way the head groom will come over and invite you to a table nearer the wedding party. This will impress the bridesmaids and make them think you are hot stuff. You will now be able to bust a move on them during the cake cutting. Remember, those who exalt themselves will be humbled, because you should only exalt yourself in the privacy of your own home, and those who humble themselves will be exalted or at least that’s the way it ought to be, but try telling that to the players in the NBA.”

Then Jesus turned to his host and said, “When you give one of these hoopdedoo affairs, don’t invite your friends, relatives, or rich neighbors. Those weirdoes will just invite you to their own shows as payback. Invite the poor, the crippled, the lame and the blind. That way you will be one up karma-wise and be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous. The resurrection of the righteous, by the way, is not only fun to say, it is also a party that will make Mardi Gras look like a funeral. You definitely don’t want to miss that.”

*

When one of the people at the table with our man Jesus heard him talk about seating arrangements, he blurted out. “Blessed are those who will eat at the feast in the kingdom of God.” No question about it, he was a suck-up.

Jesus went through his mental itinerary of parables ad came up with this one: There was a man preparing a great banquet for many guests. He sent his servant out to alert all the invitees, because mail was dicey in those days. He asked for verbal RSVPs, but all he got was lame excuses. One man said he had just bought a field and needed to go see it. Make sure it was really there, I suppose. Another said he had a cake in the oven. Still another said he had got a deal on five yoke of oxen and was on his way to the big tractor and oxen pull in Waco. There was even a guy who said he couldn’t come because he had just gotten married. Said his wife was a Hottie and he needed to stay home for awhile. When the servant related these excuses to his master, the master got understandably pissed. He said, ‘Screw ‘em. We’ll party-down without them. Go round up the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame. No sickees though. I don’t want any germs at the party.’ The servant did as he was instructed, but when he came back with this motley crew, he pointed out that there was still plenty of room for more guests. The master asked, ‘Did you mention there was free booze?’ The servant said he had emptied all the bars with that announcement, but there was still room for more. The master told him to head for the hills and round up everyone there. ‘Bring in everyone you find except the people I originally invited. Those creeps will get no taste of my banquet.’

As the people who were originally invited didn’t want to come in the first place, this seemed like a parable without a point, but the group at Jesus’ table let it slide. They were too busy chowing down their own free food and booze to make a big deal over some hypothetical guy with an ego problem.

*

Large crowds were following Jesus around in those days because he was an interesting fellow and also because a lot of people didn’t have anything else to do what with the invention of video games still being a ways off. One day Jesus turned to them and said, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters-yes, even life itself-such a person cannot be my disciple. And also, those who do not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciples.” The crowd looked at Jesus’ current batch of groupies and wondered where he had found all these guys who hated their own families. Members of the crowd who had been dragging their crosses around, heaved them onto their shoulders while some others just dropped them, turned around and went home.

Jesus went on undaunted though, because he was, you know, Jesus. “Suppose,” he said, “one of you wants to build a tower. Houses, even apartments are more practical, but you’re hot to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down to estimate the cost to see if you have enough filthy lucre to finish the project? Well of course you would, right? If you lay the foundation but don’t have the funds to go on, chances are you won’t be able to get a bank loan because nobody’s lending to build towers these days. Everybody will laugh at you and man you know you hate it when that happens. Or take a king who is all for heading off to war. Won’t he first consider if his ten thousand troops are enough to oppose some other king’s twenty thousand? He best consider that or it could get real ugly out there. I mean his head could end up on a pike. If he decides not to fight, he should send out a smooth talking emissary to plead for peace while the enemy is still a long way off. That way, if the other king says no to olive branches, doves and the like, he will still have time to flee. My point here is that those of you who do not give up everything cannot be my disciples. Okay, I admit that was a roundabout way of saying it, but clarity is often overrated. To wit, check this out. Salt is good but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? It is no longer fit for either the soil or for the manure pile, so throw it out. See what I’m saying about clarity? Now, whoever has ears let them hear.”

*

Chapter 15. Little Lost Sheep Who Have Gone Astray

Now the tax collectors and sinners, two terms that are quite possibly interchangeable, were all gathering around Jesus to hear what he had to say. The lawyers and other disreputable Pharisees took offense at this, saying, “This man welcomes sinners and even eats with them.” Jesus overheard them because among his superpowers was great hearing. He told this parable in answer to them: Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and one of them, let’s call him Mortie, wanders off. Wouldn’t you leave the other ninety-nine some place safe and go after Mortie? Wouldn’t you hunt and hunt until you found him? And when you did, wouldn’t you put him on your shoulders and carry him back to the flock? I mean, c’mon, this is Mortie we’re talking about. Your favorite. And when you got back home, wouldn’t you ring up all your friends and neighbors and tell them Mortie was back and it was time to celebrate? You know they’re always looking for a reason to party. My point here, in case you missed it, is that there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents - that would be Mortie - than ninety-nine righteous people - that would be the flock - who don’t need to. Therefore, if you happen to be in heaven and dig that whole rejoicing scene, then keep an eye out for Mortie.”

*

Still don’t get it, do ya? How ‘bout this? A woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Doesn’t she light a lamp, sweep the house and search until she finds it? And when she does, find it that is, doesn’t she call her friends and neighbors together to tell them to rejoice because she has found her missing coin? Nevermind that her friends and neighbors say, ‘What, you called me all the way over here to tell me THAT? Girl you got way too much time on your hands.’ I’m telling you Dingbats, believe it or not, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner repenting. The angels of Beelzebub? Well, not so much.”

Seeing that he had their attention, if not their understanding, Jesus told another parable.

*

“There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, ‘Pop, give me my share of the estate.’ The man was not thrilled with this, but he gave the kid his share. The kid took everything he had and left for another country. We’re not sure but it might have been France. There he squandered his wealth on wine, women and ah, women. When he was flat broke, he hired himself out to a citizen of that country who sent him to the fields to feed his pigs. There the young man ached to fill his belly with the slop the pigs were eating, but he was forbidden to do so. At last he came to his senses. Sometimes hunger will do that to you. He thought about how much food his father’s servants had and decided he would be better off being one of them. He packed up and headed home, because clearly France, or wherever he was, was a good place for a visit, but you wouldn’t want to live there. He figured he could tell his father he had sinned against him and heaven and wasn’t worthy of being called Son, so he ought to be called Eddie and just be treated as one of the hired hands.

His father saw him approaching from a long way off and was filled with compassion and other warm touchy feelings, so he ran to his boy, threw his arms around him and planted a wet one right on his lips.

The kid laid his “I’m not worthy” speech on the old man, but it did no good. The father ordered his servants to bring his best robe and sandals for the kid and also his graduation ring which read, Class of 26BC. He also ordered that someone go get a fat calf and kill it. It was going to be the main course at dinner. ‘Let’s have a feast and celebrate’ was what the old man said. ‘For this son of mine was dead and now he’s alive again.’ That was a bit of an exaggeration, but no one minded. The old man continued with ‘He was lost and is now found.’ which was also inaccurate, but everybody celebrated anyway. Everybody but the calf, of course. He was veal.

Meanwhile, the older brother was out in the field working his buns off. When he came near the house he heard music and saw dancing. WTF? He thought. He called one of the servants and asked what was going on. “Your brother has returned and your father has killed a fat calf to celebrate his return” said the servant.

The older brother was truly pissed at this and refused to join the party. The father went out to him and tried to explain, but it did no good. The son said, “All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeying orders, yet is there wiener schnitzel for me? Nooooo! I don’t even get a goat to roast with my pals. And then here comes my little bro who has been out squandering your property on hookers and such and he gets veal! It ain’t fair, I tell ya, it ain’t fair.”

The father says, “Son you are always with me and everything I have is yours. But, (you knew there was a “but” coming) we have to celebrate your brother’s return, because he was dead and now he is alive again. He was lost and now he is found.”

What happened after that, we are not sure. Some of Jesus’ parables had fill in the blank type endings.

*

Chapter 16. The Shrewd Manager

Jesus told this one to his disciples: “There was a rich man whose CEO was accused of wasting his possessions. He called the guy into his office and read him the riot act. He then asked for an accounting, so he could see for himself what was really going on. He finished up by saying, “You’re fired” and liked the phrase so much, he tried to copyright it, but found that a Pharisee named Trump had already grabbed it.

The CEO was at wit’s end. “What will I do now?” he said to himself. “The boss has let me go and I have no real job skills. I could break dance on a subway platform, but that’s a lot like begging and I’m way too ashamed to beg. Wait! I’ve got an idea. I know how to make friends and influence people.” He then went to all the rich man’s debtors and told them to cook their books, so their debts seemed far less. Well sure he screwed his boss, but he made new friends!

When his boss got wind of this sneaky stuff, he still commended the CEO for his shrewdness, because these worldly types understand each other much better than the people of the light. People of the light? That would be we good guys. You know like the cowboys who wear white hats in the old movies. Anyway, I say use your worldly wealth to make friends, so that when the loot is gone, you will still be welcomed into eternal dwellings much like the CEO in this parable. This may not be a good example, but remember, this is a parable and parables can be tricky. Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much and whoever is dishonest with little will be dishonest with much. And never, no matter how honest he seems, trust your dog to guard your sandwich. If you are not trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches like heaven and the 1957 Stan Musial baseball card? If you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, lord knows what you would do if you had any of your own. I’m thinking you’d have abandoned cars on the lawn and useless appliances on the porch. I’m telling ya, that ain’t happening in my Master’s house. You can’t be slave to two masters. You’ll end up hating one and loving the other. What I’m saying is you can’t be slave to both God and money. Of course, you can SAY you are, like a lot of conservative talk show hosts do, but that’s a parable for another time.”

The Pharisees, who loved their money, heard all this and gave Jesus a Dubya-like sneer. He said to them, “You are the ones who justify yourselves in each other’s eyes, but my Old Man knows your hearts and can read your minds. What people value highly is detestable in His sight. Let me clarify. I mean it’s okay to love your kids, but collectibles? No way.

While Jesus had the crowd’s attention, he dumped a couple more laws on them.

*

“My old buddy, Johnny the B, proclaimed the law and told you what the prophets said. Since then, the good news of the Kingdom of the High Muckymuck, My Old Man, has been preached and a lot of people are getting jiggy with it. It is easier for heaven and earth to disappear than for the least stroke of a pen to drop out of the law.”

The crowd responded as it often did. It said, “Huh?”

Jesus said “Nevermind,” and continued. “Any man who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery. And furthermore, any man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Once you commit, you just shouldn’t quit.”

*

There was a rich man who was dressed in fine linen of purple and gold, because he was a Lakers fan. He was also every bit the fat cat. A beggar named Lazarus was laid at his gate and the poor fellow was in such dire straits that all he wanted was to lie under the rich man’s table and eat what fell from it. Dogs came and licked his sores which was both disgusting and a sign of something, though I’m not sure what.

The time came when the beggar died. Angels appeared and whisked him away to Abraham’s side. Old Abe was, of course, hanging out in heaven. The rich man died too, but he was sent directly to Hades where he did not pass go and did not collect two hundred dollars. He just hung about in torment. He looked up and saw Abraham far away with Lazarus at his side. He called up to him and said, “Father Abraham, have pity on me, I’m not really such a bad guy. Send Lazarus down with his finger dipped in water to cool my tongue will ya? I’m in agony down here.”

Abe replied, “Remember Butthead, that back in your life you received one good thing after another while my man Lazarus got nothing but the bad. Now Laz is comfortable and you’re in flames. Serves you right for not sharing when you had the chance. Besides that, there is a great chasm between you and me and never the twain shall meet. Nobody from these parts can go to you and, if the truth be known, nobody wants to. I mean, c’mon man, it’s freakin’ hot down there.”

So then the formerly fat cat said to Abraham, “All right then, I’m begging you here. Send Lazarus to my family. I’ve got five brothers and they need to be warned to shape up or they will end up like me.”

Abe said, “They’ve got Moses and the Prophets to listen to. Let them learn from them.”

“Not good enough,” said the fat cat. “They won’t listen. But if you send a dead guy, they will get the point and repent.”

“Be serious” said Abe. “We don’t send zombies out on those kinds of missions. Zombies hunt brains for food, not for enlightenment. Nope, it’s Moses and the Prophets or no one.”

Chapter 17. Sin, Faith, Duty, Laundry and Like That

Jesus said to his disciples, “Things that cause people to stray from the straight and narrow like free beer and extended Happy Hours are bound to come along, but woe to the person through WHOM they come along. It would be better for you to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around your neck or concrete overalls as some of the boys like to call it, than to lead one of the little ones astray. I’m warning you Bozos, don’t mess with the little ones.”

Then he said, “If any brother or sister sins against you, it’s okay to read them the riot act. If they say they are sorry though, you have to forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in the same day, you have to forgive them! If they sin an eighth time, feel free to knock their blocks off.”

The apostles said, “Jesus, you are going to have to give us a faith injection. Seven sins against us in one day is a lot to tolerate.”

To which Jesus replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed which is pretty small faith indeed, you can still say to the mulberry tree, ‘be uprooted and planted in the sea and it will obey you.’”

The disciples said, “You talk to trees? You’re kidding?”

Jesus said, “Not a bit.” Then he went on with, “Suppose one of you has a servant out plowing or looking after sheep or, and hopefully not, out plowing sheep and looking over his shoulder. Will you say to him when he gets in ‘Come along now and sit down to eat?’ Wouldn’t you rather say, ‘Prepare my supper Jeeves and get ready to wait on me while I eat and drink and after that you can grab a bite for yourself.’ I mean you don’t go around thanking your servants for doing what they are supposed to do, do you?” Jesus was all in favor, we suppose from this, of being firm with the staff. “And so you also” he said to his disciples, “when you have done what you are supposed to do, should say, ‘We’re not worthy, we’re not worthy’ and not expect any thanks.”

*

Now on his way to Jerusalem where Jesus was always headed but often side-tracked, he traveled along the border between Samaria, which is pronounced “some area” and is a little confusing because of that, and Galilee. As he was going into a village, ten men suffering from leprosy called out to him, “Jesus, Buddy, Pal, Master, have pity on us!”

Jesus shouted back, “Go show yourself to the priests” and as the men did so, they were cleansed. And, wouldn’t you know, right after being cleaned up they were cured as well!

One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back praising God in a loud voice saying, “Waytago God, you’re the best!” He threw himself at Jesus feet and thanked him as well. This man was a Samaritan which is extraneous information, but we thought you might like to know.

Jesus said, “What’s the deal here? Weren’t all ten cleansed and cured? Where are the other nine? Is this freaky foreigner the only one with the sense to come back and praise my Pop?” You could tell Jesus was a little ticked, but he let it go. He said to the man, “Get up Dude. Your faith has made you well and you can go.” Whether or not the other nine continued being clean and cured remains a mystery, but we wouldn’t bet on it.

*

Once, having been asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, Jesus replied, “The coming of the kingdom of God is not something that can be observed because it has stealth technology. You won’t hear people saying, ‘Here it is’ or ‘There it is,’ because the K of G is in your midst.” The Pharisees, nevertheless, looked around them hoping to catch a glimpse.

Jesus turned to his disciples and said, “The time is coming when you will long for the good old days with the Son of Man who could make wine from water, but he won’t be around. People will say, ‘There he is’ or ‘Here he is’ but don’t believe them, because the Son of Man, whom is my own self - you get that right? - will only appear like flashes of lightening lighting up the sky and you will be left thinking, did I just see what I thought I saw? But first I must suffer many things and be rejected by this fickle generation.”

“Just like it was in the days of Noah,” Jesus continued, “so it will be in the days of the Son of Man. People were eating, drinking, marrying and having a sweet old time of it right up until Noah boarded the ark, and then, like ZAP!, the flood came and wiped them all out. And it was the same in the days of Lot. People eating, drinking, buying, selling, planting, building, playing video games and cheering for the home team right up until the day Lot left Sodom. Yup, the very day he departed sulfur and fire rained down and destroyed them all. Trust me, it’s going to happen again.”

As this was not a very comforting thought to his disciples, Jesus elaborated.

Here’s how it’s going to be on the day the Son of Man is outed: On that day, no one who is up on the roof, but has left his possessions inside the house, should go down to get them. That would be a bad move. And no one who is out in the field should go back to the house either. They should just stay where they are and see what happens. Remember Lot’s wife. She became a real salty woman just by taking a backward glance.

Anybody, on that day, who tries to keep their life, will lose it and those people who lose their life will preserve it. How’s that for tricky? And on that night two people will be in one bed and like zap, one of them will be taken and the other left. Also, two women will be grinding corn and, pffftt, one will disappear. UFO’s will be blamed in both instances, but it will really be my Pop pulling the strings.

“Where?” the disciples asked.

“Where there is a dead body” Jesus replied, “vultures will gather.”

“No kidding Sherlock” one of the twelve said under his breath. “Like we didn’t know that already.”

*


Chapter 18. The Not So Merry Widow

Then Jesus launched into one of his parables to show his disciples that they should always pray and never give up as the ball takes funny bounces and sometimes you can snatch a victory from the jaws of de Pharisees. He said, “In a certain town there was a judge who didn’t fear God and also didn’t care what people thought. He was just a gnarly sort of a fellow. In the same town there was a widow who kept coming to the judge and pleading with him to grant her a little justice for crying-out-loud against her adversary. At first the judge refused for no particular reason, but then one day he relented and granted the woman what she asked for on the grounds that it would keep the woman from eventually losing her cool and assaulting him. How her adversary felt about this remains unknown, but we can speculate that he was royally ticked. Listen to what this unjust judge says,” Jesus continued, but then forgets to tell us exactly what that was. “And will not my Old Pop bring about justice for his chosen ones? You bet he will and quickly too. For the unchosen, of course, not so much.” Then he said, “However, when the Son of Man comes will he find faith on earth?” which seems like a non-sequiter but you know, what with Jesus being the Son of the Big Guy and all, nobody called him on it.

*

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and thus looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable. Other people listened in, of course, but Jesus was speaking mainly to the big headed people. “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee, the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood off by himself and offered up this prayer: ‘God Old Buddy, thank you that I am not like other people, robbers, evildoers, adulterers, or even like that tax collector over there. I fast twice a week and give ten percent of everything I get. I’m a gooood boy!’

The tax collector, for his part, just beat on his chest and wailed ‘Have mercy on me, I’m a sinner.’ That being a sinner part is something it would be good for all tax collectors to realize.”

Jesus finished up the parable by saying, “I tell you Fat Heads, that it is the tax collector who went home justified before God and not the Pharisee. All the Loud Mouths who exalt themselves will be humbled and all the humblers will be exalted. It won’t go well for those players who beat their chests and point at themselves after they score or make a good play.”


*

People were also bringing babies to Jesus to have him touch them. When the disciples saw this they rebuked the people. “Back off with your babies” they said. “Give the man some breathing room.” But Jesus called the children to him, “Here kiddie kiddie kiddies” he said, and then turning to the disciples, told them not to hinder the children saying, “For the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, and by that I mean I’m not joking, anyone who will not receive the K of G like a little kid getting a freebie from an ice cream truck will never enter it.”

*

A certain ruler asked him, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good except God alone. I’m just his kid by way of a supernatural encounter with my mom. I’ve got my foibles too, but we won’t get into that. Anyway, to answer your question, you know the commandments right? Do not commit adultery, do not murder, do not steal, do not re-gift, give false testimony or bad mouth your parents, et cetera. Remember those?”

The ruler said, “All these I have kept since I was a boy.”

“But you still lack one thing to do if you want to live forever. You have to sell everything you have and give the money to the poor. Do that and you will receive largesse in heaven that’ll make your head spin. So come on, get with it and follow me.”

When he heard this, the very rich president from a very rich family became very sad because, as I have noted, he was very rich; staggeringly, oily rich, in fact. He didn’t want to give up any of his loot so he implemented tax cuts for the wealthy.

Seeing this, Jesus said, “How hard is it for a rich man to enter the K of G? I’ll tell you how hard it is. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for one of you greedy muthas to enter My Old Man’s Domain! That’s how hard it is!”

Those who heard this asked, “Who then can be saved?”

Jesus answered, “What is impossible for humans is possible with God. You gotta get on board folks; you gotta get on the God train.”

Peter, who was feeling a little insecure at the time, pointed out to Jesus that he the other eleven suck-ups, I mean disciples, had given up everything to follow him.

Jesus reassured him. He said, “No one who has left home or wife, brothers, sisters, parents, kids or pets to follow my butt around the desert for the sake of the K of G will fail to receive maximum goodies in this life and dancing eternally in the next one.”

Peter felt a lot better after that.

*

Jesus took the disciples aside. He said, “We are going up to Jerusalem and everything that is written by the prophets about The Son of Man will come true. The other stuff they predicted? Fageddaboutit! It’s a bunch of hokum. He, The S of M I’m talking about, will be delivered over to the gentiles who are not the least bit gentle and they will mock him, spit on him, flog him and kill him dead. On the third day, though, after he is killed, he will rise up and scare the crap out of anybody who happens to see it.”

The disciples didn’t understand any of this because, really, they weren’t the smartest of bears. The meaning of the speech was hidden from them and they didn’t know what Jesus was talking about. If there was an IQ over a 100 in the bunch someone might have asked a question or two, but there wasn’t, so it didn’t happen.

As Jesus approached Jeicho where Joshua had once fit the battle, a blind man sitting by the roadside begging asked what the commotion was all about. When told that Jesus of Nazareth was passing by, he hollered out, “Yo Jesus, Son of David, how about a little mercy for the blind guy?” The people leading the procession tried to shut him up, but the blind guy kept shouting, “C’mon Famous Son of David Person, send a little compassion over here.”

Jesus stopped and ordered that the man be brought to him. “What do you want from me Blind Guy?” he asked.

“To see, of course, Big Holy Fellow. I mean, whad’ya think I want, cable?”

“You’re a wise guy, but receive your sight anyway. You’ve got the faith.” With that Jesus did his silent abracadabra thing and the man’s vision was restored. The formerly blind guy and everyone who saw this happen, praised God to high heavens. A couple even said thanks to Jesus directly.



Chapter 19. A Fat Cat Sees The Light

Jesus entered Jericho and was strolling through the town. There was a man there named Zacchaeus, but nobody could pronounce that so they just called him Larry. He was the chief tax collector and he was very wealthy. He wanted to take a gander at Jesus, but he was very short and couldn’t see over the crowd. What he did was, he ran up ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree where he waited for Jesus and ate sycamore figs.

When Jesus got to the tree, he said, “Larry, come down right now. I’m staying at your house tonight.”

This was news to Larry, but he said, “You bet” climbed down and greeted Jesus warmly and gave him a hetero-hug. Then they went off to Larry’s house.

When the people saw this they were distressed and distraught, so they dissed on Jesus by saying, “He’s gone to be the guest of a sinner. Bad Jesus, bad Jesus.”

Larry over heard this, stood right up and said, “Pipe down people. I’m going to give half my possessions to the poor and if I’ve cheated anybody out of anything, I’ll pay them back four times over.”

Jesus was impressed. He said to Larry, “Today salvation has come to your house, because this man too is a son of Abraham and we Jewish types have to stick together what with the Pharisees sneaking around all over the place. The Son of Man has come to seek and to save what was lost and by God we’ve done it. Let’s all drink to Larry.”

We don’t know what happened next, but it’s possible there was wine involved.

*

While Jesus had the people’s attention he decided to tell them another parable. He was near Jerusalem and the people there thought that the kingdom of God was going to appear all at once like some sort of magic trick. He figured he’d straighten them out by telling them this one: “A man of noble birth was going to go to a distant country and have himself appointed king and then return. Good work, I suppose, if you can get it. Before he left, he called ten of his servants together and gave each one a mina which was a form of currency and not someone who worked in the mines. ‘Put this money to work’ he said, ‘until I return.’

A lot of his subjects hated him and sent a delegation along after him to tell the people that they didn’t want him to be king. The man was, nevertheless, made king and then returned home.

He sent for his servants to whom he had given the minas to find out what they had done with the money. The first servant said, ‘Sir, your mina has earned ten more.’ ‘Well done,’ said the king. ‘Because you have been trustworthy in this small matter, you are now appointed in charge of ten cities.’ The second servant came and said the mina had earned five more. As a result of this, he got to lord it over five cities. But, alas, another servant came and gave the mina back to the king. He said, ‘I kept it wrapped in a cloth because I was afraid of you and didn’t want to lose it. You are a hard man. You take out what you did not put in and you reap what you did not sow.’

The king said, ‘I’ll take you by your own words, you wicked servant you. If you knew all along that I was a hard man and took and didn’t sow and all that nonsense, why didn’t you put the mina on deposit so it would earn a little interest and I wouldn’t be all pissed off? Sheeesh, what an idiot.” Then he said to the other seven servants standing by, ‘Take this man’s mina and give it to the servant who has ten.’ They in turn said, ‘But he already has ten.’ The king replied, ‘I tell you that to everyone who has, more will be given and as to those who have little, even what they have will be taken away. This will be true even unto the 20th and 21st Centuries.’ Maybe even especially then.

And then, as a kind of afterthought, he said, ‘By the way. You know those people who didn’t want me to be king? Bring them here and kill them in front of me.’”

The crowd, as usual, said huh? to this parable, and what’s that got to do with the K of G appearing suddenly?, but by then Jesus had moved along.

*

Jesus was moving right along now, going up to Jerusalem. When he approached Bethpage and Bethany, two towns named after a folk singing duo, at a hill called The Mount of Olives situated at the bottom of a canyon called the Valley of Martinis, he sent two disciples ahead, saying to them, “Go into the village and as you enter it you will find a colt tied up there that no one has ever ridden. Even Ty Murray couldn’t hang for eight seconds on this young bucker. Untie that colt and bring it to me. If anyone asks you why you are making off with it, just tell them the Lord needs it.”

The two disciples went ahead and found the colt just as Jesus had told them.

As they were untying it, the colt’s owner shouted out, “What the hell you think you’re doing there?”

The disciples replied, “The Lord needs it.”

“Oh sure, that explains it” said the colt’s owner. “Why don’t you take my cow and my chickens too.” Nevertheless, he let the disciples lead his horse off.

They brought it to Jesus, threw their cloaks on its back and Jesus climbed aboard, no problem. Not a buck one. As horse and Son of Man walked along, people spread their cloaks on the road before them. After Jesus passed, they picked up their cloaks and kept them for souvenirs. The manure factor made some better souvenirs than others.

As Jesus came near the road that goes down the Mount of Olives, all the disciples began singing out joyfully to praise God. They sang loudly about all the miracles they had seen.

“Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord and blessed is the Lord who comes in the name of the king. Whichever” They had always been a little confused about that.

And they sang, “Peace in heaven and glory in the highest, because war in heaven would totally suck.”

Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Yo Big Fella, can you quiet your boys down? Just buke and then rebuke them ought to do it.”

“I tell you” Jesus replied, “If they keep quiet the stones will cry out.”

The Pharisees didn’t say anything after that, because there were a lot of stones and if they started crying out loud you wouldn’t be able to hear yourself think.

As Jesus approached Jerusalem and saw the city he began to cry. He said, “If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace…but now it is hidden from your eyes.” He paused a moment and then continued talking to the city even though the city didn’t talk back. “The days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment against you, surround you and hassle you from every side. They will dash you to the ground, you and the children within your walls. They will not leave one stone atop another, because you did not recognize the time of My Pop within your walls.”

Still the city did not speak. But if it could have, it would have said, “Bummer.”

*

When Jesus entered the temple courts, he began to drive out those who had set up booths and were selling trinkets, souvenirs, sandals and doves. “It is written” he said to them, “my house will be a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of thieves.” He then used martial arts techniques which he invented on the spot to throw the sellers out.

Jesus began teaching at the temple every day after that. The priests, the lawyers and the politicians wanted to sneak up and kill him, but Jesus was always surrounded by his followers and a cadre of body guards that Jesus had carefully selected for their resemblance to Dolf Lundgren. The would-be assassins didn’t dare get close.

*

Chapter 20. Is Jesus The Boss Of Me Or Not?

One day Jesus was teaching in the temple courts and passing on the good news about heaven and high draft picks when the Muckymuck priests and lawyers chimed in with, “Who gave you the authority to do these things?”

Jesus, who liked to use techniques later adopted by politicians everywhere to avoid answering questions directly replied, “Let me ask you a question as my answer. Was John’s baptism of heaven or human origin?”

The priests and lawyers discussed the answer among themselves after first deciding which John Jesus was talking about. I mean it was a common name even in those days. If we say from heaven, they speculated, he will say why didn’t we believe him. If we say from a human origin, the people will stone us because they believe John was a real prophet. I don’t know about you but I’m not up for that getting pelted by rocks thing. They finally settled on “We don’t know where it was from” as an answer.

Jesus said, “Well then, if that’s the best you can do then I’m not going to tell you by what authority I do these things.” Some accounts of the event say that Jesus followed that by saying, “nah nah na nah nah” but I’m leaving that out.

*

Jesus went on to tell people this parable: “A man planted a vineyard and then rented it out while he went to the south of France to catch some rays. At harvest time he sent a servant to the tenants to collct some of the fruit for his own use. The tenants beat up the servant and sent him back empty handed. The man sent another servant. This one too, got boxed about and treated shamefully before being sent back empty handed. The man, who was apparently real slow on the uptake, sent yet another servant and this one was wounded badly by the renters. The vineyard owner then sent his son whom he loved, figuring that the son would be respected. Either that or he was pissed at the kid.

When the tenants saw the son they had a brief chit chat during which they decided that the kid, being the heir, should be killed so that they could get the inheritance. This was wishful thinking, but they went with it and knocked off the boy.

What then,” Jesus asked, “will the owner of the vineyard do to the tenants? Answering his own question because the people didn’t have a clue, Jesus said, “He will kill every last one of the bastards and give the vineyard to others.”

“Oh no” shouted the people, “Not that.”

Then what is the meaning of that which is written ‘The stone the builders rejected has become the cornerstone?’ Jesus asked them.

Most of the people listening shook their heads and said “Beats the fugahdame” but one guy offered, “Building with a bad cornerstone is bound to fall sooner or later?”

“Nope” Jesus said. “The answer is: everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces and anyone on whom it falls will be crushed.”

The teachers of the law heard this and looked for a way to have Jesus arrested immediately. They didn’t know what the parable was all about, but being a paranoid lot they suspected it was against them. Problem was they couldn’t act, because Jesus had the people on his side. “Jesus Jesus he’s our man. If he can’t do it, nobody can” was often heard about the town.

*

Keeping a close watch on Jesus, the lawyers sent spies who pretended to be sincere followers. They hoped to catch Jesus in something he said that might be cause to turn him over to the Law. Trying to trip up Jesus, one of them said, “Teacher, teacher we know that you speak and teach the truth and don’t show any partiality, but teach the way of God, so I’m asking you, because curious minds want to know, is it right for us to pay taxes to Caesar or not?”

Jesus saw right through this ploy because he was a clever guy himself and answered, “Whose portrait and inscription are on the denarius coin?”

“Caesars” the spies replied.

“Allrighty then” said Jesus. “Give back to Caesar what is Caesar’s and to God what is God’s”

Having been unable to trap Jesus by what he said in public the spies fell silent and then slinked off.

Jesus message, however, went round the world and there came a day when Dwight Eisenhower was inundated with dimes.

*
Some of the Sadducees, who were not those who had been seduced, as you might suspect, but were instead the denizens of Sadducistan or some place similar to that, did not believe in resurrection, so they came to Jesus with a question. “Teacher” they said, Moses wrote that if a man’s brother dies and leaves a wife but no children, the man must marry the widow and raise up an heir for his brother. You follow us so far? Now, what if there were seven brothers and the first one died leaving his widow childless. The second marries her and dies and so does the third brother. All the brothers are dumb as rocks and unable to see that something fishy is going on, so each one in turn marries the widow and subsequently dies too. Finally, when all the brothers are pushing up daisies, the woman herself dies. Our question is, at the resurrection, whose wife will the woman be?”

“Elementary, my dear Wat…er Saducees” Jesus replied. The people of this age marry and are given in marriage, but those worthy of moving along to the next plateau, which is the resurrection of the dead, will no longer be given in marriage and, to make things even better, they will no longer die! They will be like the angels. They will be my Pop’s children, The Children of the Resurrection. And, trust me, they won’t be spooky like The Children of the Corn. Now remember, even Moses showed that the dead rise, for he called the Lord the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob and c’mon, those guys didn’t live at the same time, so they must be incarnations, right? So what I’m saying here is that My Old Man is not the God of the Dead, but of the Living. Way I see it is, dead people have no God. Now does that answer your question?”

“You bet. Well said” and other exclamations like that were spoken by the Sadducees. After that they went question-less because they were no match for the Son of Man who needed an opponent like Clarence Darrow to match wits with. Darrow, however, was stuck in Chicago defending the shepherds union at the time and couldn’t get away.

*

Then Jesus said to them, “Why is it said that the Messiah is the son of David? David his own self declares in the Book of Psalms:

The Lord said to my Lord
‘Sit at my right hand.
I’ll make your enemies footstools
and you can strike up the band.’

David calls him ‘Lord.’ How then can he be his son? I mean, seriously, do you call you dad Lord?”

With all the people listening in, Jesus said to his disciples, “Beware of the lawyers. They like to parade around in flowing Armani robes and be greeted with love and respect wherever they go. They want the best seats in the synagogues, at ball games, and in restaurants. All this while they steal widow’s houses and bill you for their telephone time. These men are going to be punished big time on Judgment Day. You can bet on that.”

*

Chapter 21. The Widow’s Offering

As Jesus looked up, he saw rich people putting their gifts into the temple treasury which the temple kept handy for just such a purpose. Jesus then saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. They might have been pennies, but Jesus couldn’t tell from where he was standing. “Truly I tell you,” he said, “because I tell it like it is, and you heard it here first, this poor widow has put in more than all the others. Those fat cats gave from wealth. To them it is chump change. But this woman gave out of poverty and put in all she had to live on.”

The crowd waited for Jesus to do something about this inequity, but Jesus just moved along to other subjects.

*

Some of his disciples were remarking about how the temple was adorned with beautiful stones, nice cut-glass windows and rich Corinthian leather pews all, theoretically, gifts dedicated to The Big Fella, God.

Jesus said, “As far as what you see here, the time will pass when the walls come a tumbling down. Not one stone will be left on another. All will be rubble.”

“Teacher,” they asked, “when will this happen? Can you give us a clue? Maybe a sign that this is about to take place?”

Jesus replied, “Don’t be taken in by charlatans, my friends. Many will come in my name and say, ‘I am he, the Big Wahhunka’ and ‘The time is near.’ Don’t believe a word they say. When you hear about wars, excessive celebrations after soccer and basketball victories, and not to mention revolutions, fear not. These things are going to happen before the last page reads The End.” Then he said, “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines, and pestilences in various places where people don’t wash their hands enough. There will be fearful events and great signs from heaven. I’m telling you doo-doo is going to happen big time. But as I said, don’t worry.”

A couple of murmurs along the lines of “Easy for you to say” were heard, but Jesus kept on talking.

“But before all this devastation happens” he said, “the bad guys will lay hands on you and persecute you. They will deliver you to synagogues and prisons, which, to a young Jewish boy are a lot alike, and you will be brought before kings and governors, all on account of my name. And there you will bear testimony to me. Make up your mind not to worry beforehand about how you will defend yourself. I will put words of wisdom in your mouth that the opposition will be unable to resist or contradict. I’ve studied the film, I know their defensive scheme and I will call all the right plays. Of course, you will also be betrayed by your parents, brothers, sisters, friends and the family dog. Some of you will even be put to death and everyone will hate you because of me, but I say again, don’t worry, be happy. Not a hair on your head will perish. Well, not for long anyway. Stand firm, hold that line, buckle down Winsocki, and you will win life!”

The crowd was getting fired up and shouts of “You tell’ em Lord” and “Let’s get to it” were common.

Jesus continued. “When you see Jerusalem being surrounded by armies you will know that’s its desolation is near, because that’s what usually happens when a city gets
surrounded by armies. Let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains and everyone in the city needs to run like hell also. Don’t let anybody from the country go to town for the time of punishment in fulfillment of what Jules Verne or Moses or one of those old guys wrote, is at hand. How dreadful it will be for pregnant women, nursing mothers, and
their groupies. There will be great distress in the land and did I mention wrath against the people? They will be taken by sword as prisoners to all the nations. Jerusalem will be trampled on by the Gentiles until the times of the Gentiles are fulfilled. And that, Sportfans, is a long, long time.”

Now there were more murmurs in the crowd, One man said, “Not exactly a cheery sort, is he?”

Jesus ignored him and carried on. “There will be signs in the sun, moon and stars. Pisces, Aries, Libra and like that. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. They will say, ‘Never saw it do that before.’ Many will faint from terror of what is coming to the world and heavenly bodies like Mars and Jessica Alba’s will be shaken. At that time, the people will see the Son of Man come in on a cloud with power and great glory. They will shout, ‘Here he comes to save the day.’ When this happens, stand up and lift up your heads because your redemption is drawing near. “

Then Jesus told this parable: “Look at the fig tree and all the trees. When they sprout leaves, you know that summer is near. Well, I’m telling you, when all that stuff I just told you is happening, you will know The Kingdom of God is right around the corner.

Truly I tell you, because why would I lie, this generation will certainly not pass away until all those things have happened. Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass.

Again from the crowd, “What generation are we talking about here, Holy Fella?” but Jesus ignored him too.

Be careful or your hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness, the anxieties of life and love of pin striped ball teams. These are bad things. The day I was just talking about will close on you like a trap. Be alert, be wary and pray that you will be able to escape all that stuff and stand before The Man all clean and noble-like.”

Each day Jesus was teaching this and man to man defenses at the temple and each evening he went out to spend the night on the hill called Mount of Olives to do we know not what. All the people came early in the morning to hear him at the temple because Jesus was a helluva speaker and a charismatic guy.

Chapter 22. Judas The Rat Fink

Now the Festival of Unleavened Bread aka Passover was approaching. The Festival of Leavened Bread aka Guiness was celebrated on March 17th. The chief priests and law profs were looking for some way to get rid of Jesus, but they were afraid of the people. Then Satan, the wily bastard, took possession of Judas Iscariot, one of Jesus’ dusty dozen and he, Judas that is, went to the priests and temple guards and discussed how he would betray Jesus for the right price. The priests, guards and especially the lawyers agreed to pay the money. Judas then went back to Jesus and hung around waiting for an opportunity to hand him over when no crowd was present.

*

Then came the day of Unleavened Bread on which Mary’s little lamb was to be sacrificed. Jesus sent Peter and John out, saying, “Go make preparations for us to dine on the lamb of Passover. And don’t forget the mint jelly.”

“Where do you want us to prepare for it?” they asked.

Jesus went into psychic mode and then said, “As you enter the city, a man carrying a jug of water will meet you. Follow him to the house that he enters. Say to the owner of the house, “the Teacher asks where is the guest room where I may eat the Passover with my disciples?” Don’t say anything to the guy with the water jug. The owner will show you a large room upstairs, all furnished and nicely appointed. Make preparations there.”

Pete and John left and found things just as Jesus had predicted. Most guys would have been impressed, but Pete and John were relatively blasé about it. They had, after all, seen Jesus go toe to toe with demons and knock the stuffing out of them. They prepared the Passover without further ado.

When the hour came, Jesus and his apostles hung around the table and Jesus sent off a psychic snapshot to DaVinci for use in the future. He then turned to his pals and said, “I
have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer, because I really like lamb chops and I won’t be chowing down like this again until Passover finds fulfillment in the K of P, the kingdom of my Pop.”

After taking up a cup Jesus gave thanks and then said, “Take this and divide it among you.”

The disciples were thinking, split twelve ways that won’t be much, but then they remembered Jesus had a way of making the wine be enough to go around.

“For I tell you I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until the kingdom of my Pop comes rolling in.”

And then he took some bread, gave thanks and broke it, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.”

The disciples thought, that’s a little weird, but hey, this is Jesus. We’ll go with it.

As the party was winding down after the supper, Jesus picked up his cup again and it was still magically filled with wine. He said, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood, which is poured out for you. My blood I’m talking about, not the wine.” He added that last, so the disciples would be clear. They were not, as we have learned, the brightest of bulbs.

Then he added, “The hand of the guy who is going to betray me is here with mine at the table. The Son of Man will go as decreed but woe to the betrayer.”

The disciples began questioning each other, wondering who it would be that would do the dirty deed. (You have to wonder yourself, Theophilus, why Judas would think he could get away with it, knowing that Jesus could read minds and predict the future, but, as has been pointed out, these guys would not fare well on Jeopardy.)

A dispute also rose among the disciples as to which one of them was the greatest. Jesus said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles lord it all over the place calling themselves Benefactors. Don’t be like them. If you are going to be the greatest, you should be like children or the people who serve. Either that or beat Frazer two out of three and knock out Foreman. For who is greater, the one at the table or the one who serves? Well sure you all think it’s the one at the table, but I come amongst you as one who serves and, you know, I’ve got to be high on that greatest list. You are the people who stood by me in my trials, so I confer on you a kingdom just as my father conferred one on me. What I’m saying here is that you may eat, drink and watch the games at my house and on top of that you will sit on thrones and judge the twelve tribes of Israel. Now is that a good deal or what?”

“Simon, Simon, simple Simon, Satan, the bastard, has asked to sift all of you like wheat. That could be painful. But not to worry. I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith won’t fail and when you have turned back from going down Satan’s road, you will strengthen your bros.

Simon replied, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and death.”

Jesus said to him, “Peter, aka Simon, I tell you that you will deny three times that you know me before the rooster crows.”

Peter thought, bummer.

Then Jesus asked his disciples, “When I sent you out without purse, bag or sandals, did you lack anything?

“Nothing” they answered, but a couple thought one of those energy bars might have been useful.

Jesus said, “Now if you have a purse, take it with you. And a bag too. If you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one. I like that kind that Hattori guy in “Kill Bill” makes. It is written, ‘And he was numbered with the transgressors.’ That’s me they’re talking about and, yup, what is written about me must be fulfilled although, I gotta tell ya, I’m not always thrilled with them apples.”

The disciples said, “Here’s a couple of swords Lord.

Jesus said, “That is enough,” but he didn’t say why.

*

Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives and, also as usual, his disciples followed him. On reaching the place Jesus said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” Then without further ado or explanation he withdrew about a stone’s throw from a guy with a good arm to a spot where he kneeled down and began to pray like all get-out. “Father” he began, “if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” That cup thing was a metaphor he figured his Dad would be hip to.
An angel from heaven then appeared to him, possibly supplying a shot of brandy, for we do know that Jesus was strengthened. Being in anguish, which is no fun as you know if
you’ve ever been there, Jesus prayed even more earnestly. His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. Well, not literally, I mean they weren’t red, they were just sort of thick. When he rose from his prayers and went back to his disciples, he found them all sacked out under the olive trees, “exhausted from sorrow” was their excuse. “Well I don’t care,” said Jesus. “Get your butts up and start praying you don’t fall into temptation, like I told you!”

*

While Jesus was still speaking, a mob approached led by Judas the rat fink. He approached Jesus to give him a kiss, but Jesus was wise to him and said, “Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?”

When the disciples saw what was going down they said, “Should we strike with our two swords?” One of the sword wielders didn’t wait for an answer. He chopped off the ear of a high priest’s servant who was part of the mob.

Jesus yelled, “Knock it off, no more of this!” He then put the man’s ear back in place and it healed right up.

He said to the chief priests, the officers of the temple guard, and the elders who made up the mob, “What’s the deal here? Does this look like I’m leading a rebellion, a bunch of guys hanging around praying? You come for me with swords and clubs? Every day we were together in the temple courts and you did not lay a hand on me, but now that it is dark, you come for me. You’re all a bunch of chicken shi, poops if you ask me.”

The mob then seized Jesus even though they knew this was a guy who could put ears back in place and they led him away to the house of a high priest. Peter followed them at a distance. When they got to the house, a couple of the mobsters built a fire in the center of the courtyard and a bunch of them sat down around it. Peter joined them. A servant girl saw him there in the firelight and said, “Hey, I know this guy. He was with that Jesus crowd.”

Peter said, “Nope, wasn’t me. She’s got me mixed up with someone else.”

A little while later another man pointed a finger at him and said, “You were one of them, weren’t you?”

Peter said, “You got it all wrong Man. I wasn’t one of them.”

An hour after that, another guy said, “He must be one of them, he’s a Galilean.”

Peter said, “Man, you don’t know what you’re talking about!”

The second he had finished speaking, a rooster crowed. The Lord, who was sitting on the other side of the fire, looked straight at Peter and Peter suddenly remembered what he had said to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.” Old Pete felt really ashamed. He got up, went outside the courtyard and cried like a baby. You know, with lots of sobs and a scrunched up face.

*

The men who were guarding him began mocking and beating on Jesus. They blindfolded him and demanded, “Okay Wise Guy, if you’re so prophetic, tell us which one of us is going to hit you next?” They said other insulting things as well, including several “Your Mamas,” but Jesus bore it in silence.

*

At daybreak, the council of the elders, both chief priests, the law teachers, and the PTA met together and Jesus was brought before them. “If you are the Messiah” they said, “just tell us.”

Jesus answered, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you and if I asked you if I was, you wouldn’t answer, so what’s the point?” From now on the Son of Man will be seated at the right hand of the mighty God. Got that? The mighty God, my Pop, not one of those weakling gods.”

The group asked, “Are you then, the Son of God?”

Jesus replied, “Well there you go, you said it.”

The group agreed that they didn’t need any more testimony. They were lousy cross examiners, but they figured they had just enough evidence from Jesus’ own words.

*

Chapter 23

The mob, now calling itself the assembly, rose and led Jesus off to Pilate. They began to accuse him of all sorts of things: subverting the nation, opposing taxes, unpaid parking tickets, and claiming to be a Messiah, a king.

Pilate asked Jesus directly, “Are you the king of the Jews?”

Jesus said, “You have said so.”

Pilate said, “No I didn’t.”

Not wanting to get into a childish, “Yes you did, no I didn’t” back and forth, Jesus remained silent.

Eventually Pilate said, “I find no basis for a charge against this man.”

But the assembly insisted. “This guy is a rabble rouser and you know what happens when a rabble gets roused. He stirs up the people all over Judea with his teaching. He started in Galilee and has wandered all the way here. That’s a lot of mileage on the old sandals.”

Realizing that Jesus, being from Galilee, was under Herod’s jurisdiction, Pilate sent him over to Herod who happened to be visiting in Jerusalem at the time. Let Herod deal with this sticky wicket was his thinking.

When Herod saw Jesus, he was a happy camper. He had always wanted to meet this man he had heard so much about. He was hoping to see some miracles performed like putting on severed ears, raising the dead, or maybe, best of all, keeping the wine flowing. No luck there though. Jesus remained mute and miracle-less throughout Herod’s Q and A session. The priests and lawyers weren’t silent, though. They filled the void loudly with a string of accusations and eventually Herod grew bored with the whole thing and began to ridicule and mock Jesus right along with the soldiers who were there to guard him. When he and they grew tired of that, they put Jesus in an elegant robe as a further mockery and sent him back to Pilate.

Pilate saw Jesus in the robe, thought it was a laugh riot and from that day on he and Herod became buddies. Before that they had been rivals, even enemies. Goes to show you, Theo, what a good laugh can do.

Pilate called the priests, lawyers, sports writers, and all the people together and said to them, “You brought me this man who you say was inciting rebellion, but I can’t find a thing to substantiate those charges. I mean, he seems like a nice guy, doesn’t say much for sure, but that’s no crime. Herod couldn’t pin anything on him either. He certainly doesn’t deserve death. I think I’ll just let him go.”

The crowd though, was a bloodthirsty bunch and they shouted out as one, “No! Let Barabbas go, but do in Jesus.” Barabbas was being held on a charge of insurrection and murder, but he had a lot of pals in the crowd. Where Jesus’ pals were during all this, it’s hard to say, but there were rumors of bar hopping.

Pilate really wanted to release Jesus, but nothing he said to the crowd could change their minds. They wanted Jesus blood and would not take no for an answer. It might have been the fancy robe he was wearing that incensed them. We don’t know for sure. They kept chanting, “Crucify him, crucify him, ain’t no need to book and try him.”

Pilate persisted. For the third time he asked, “Why? What crime has this man committed that he deserves to die? Screw you all. I’m just going to have him punished, then let him go.”

He finally relented though. The crowd was so insistent that he realized his position as a high Muckymuck would be threatened if he went against them. He agreed to let
Barabbas go free and to crucify Jesus. What the hell, he thought. It was no skin off his back.

*

As the soldiers led Jesus away, they also seized Simon from Cyrene because they were in a seizing mood and Simon was handy. They put the heavy wooden cross on his back and made him carry it behind Jesus. A crowd began to form once again as Jesus, even under arrest, was still a headliner. Women mourned and wailed for him.

Jesus turned and said to them, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me. Weep for yourselves and for your children for the time will come when you will say ‘blessed are the childless women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed.’

The women stopped crying and said, “Huh? Why would we do that?”

Jesus went right on with his spiel. “Then they will say to the mountains, ‘Fall on us!’ and to the hills, ‘Cover us!’ For if the people do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?”

The women were, of course, confused. Mountains falling, green trees, dry trees, what the heck was that all about? They went back to mourning and wailing.

Two other men were led out to be executed along with Jesus. When the contingent got to a place called Skull, named after the island where Kong lived, the three condemned were crucified there with Jesus in the center and a criminal right and left.

Jesus said, “Forgive them Father, they have no clue what they are doing” which was really decent of him considering what his Pop might do if he didn’t forgive them.

The soldiers then cast lots to see who got which article of Jesus’ clothes. The robe figured heavily in the betting.

While this was all going on, the people stood around watching and the rulers stood around sneering. The latter bunch saying, “He saved others, let him save himself if he is the Chosen One, the Messiah.”

Soldiers came up to the cross and offered Jesus corked wine; a decent vintage, but totally turned. They said, “If you are the King of the Jews fix this wine and save yourself.” There was a sign hanging above Jesus that read: THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS so that might be one reason the soldiers said what they said.

One of the criminals hanging with Jesus whispered, “Come on Messiah. Save yourself and us too.”

But the other rebuked him and said, “Shut up Dude. You best be fearing God right now. We are getting our just desserts because we are guilty as hell, but this guy between us hasn’t done a damn thing wrong. Imagine how that feels.” Then he turned to Jesus and said, “Remember me, will ya, Old Chum? I mean when you come into your kingdom and all that.”

Jesus answered, “Truly I tell you, because this is no place to be lying, that you will be with me in paradise.”

*

It was now about noon. It was dark and stormy and bridges were washed out all over the place. The sun was not shining. The temple curtain was torn in two by the wind. Jesus cried out, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit” and then he breathed his last.

A centurion, seeing Jesus pass, praised God. He said, “You are one big mighty fellow God.” And then, pointing at Jesus he said, “Surely this was a righteous man.” God thought, Don’t call me Shirley, but he didn’t say it aloud. All the people who had gathered to witness the sight of Jesus death - the blood thirsty ghouls - suddenly felt bad. They beat their breasts for awhile, a thing particularly painful to the women among them, and then they went away.

The people who knew Jesus, including the women who followed him all the way from Galilee, stood at a distance, watching these things, because, really, what else could they do.

*

Now there was a man named Joseph, a member of the tribal council who had not been kicked off the island, who was a good and upright sort of bloke. He had not consented to the council’s decision and subsequent action re: Jesus. Joseph came from the Judean town of Arimathea and he spent his days waiting around for the Kingdom of God and cheering on the Arimathea Aardvarks who had recently captured the Judean basketball championship. He went to Pilate and asked for Jesus’ body. Pilate said, “No problem.”
Joseph took Jesus down from the cross, wrapped him in linen cloth and placed him in a tomb cut into a rocky hillside. It was a tomb no one had used before. You could tell because no bodies were lying around. It was Preparation day in town and the Sabbath was about to begin.

The women groupies who had followed Jesus from Galilee, now followed Joseph to the tomb and saw how Jesus was laid out. They went home and prepared spices and perfumes for the body, but didn’t bring them the next day because it was the Sabbath. They rested instead. Preparing spices and perfume can be a tiring endeavor.

*

Chapter 24 Rising From Dead As A Doornail

Early Monday morning, the women who had trucked all the way from Galilee took their spices and went to the tomb. The stone that had been in front of the tomb’s entrance had been rolled aside. This was a good thing as the women would not have been able to get inside if it had not been. I’m not sure what they would have done with their spices if the stone was still there. Inside the tomb, they discovered that Jesus’ body was missing. As they stood around wondering what-the-heck, two men wearing neon clothes appeared beside them. The women, now scared half to death, fell to their knees and bowed their heads to the ground. The holy, glowing in the dark men said to them, “Why do you look for the living among the dead?” This was not exactly accurate as we noted before there were no other dead people in the tomb besides Jesus, but, hey, ghostly visions have their own kind of logic. “He is not here” the glowers said to the women. “He is risen. Don’t you remember he told you he was going to do that way back in Galilee when he was still with you? He said, ‘the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified, and on the third day, be raised again. Who do you think he was talking about?” With that reminder, the women remembered, because that’s what reminders are for.

When they returned to town from the tomb, the women, namely Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Betty, Mary the mother of James and few others who shall remain nameless because we just don’t know who they were, told the Judas-less disciples and a few others who were standing around, everything they had seen. “Hogwash, poppycock and balderdash” were some of the comments they received. No one believed them except Peter who ran to the tomb to check it out. When he got there, he saw the strips of linen that Jesus had been wrapped in lying about without him in it, and he too wondered what had happened to the body. He was tempted to say, “Watson, the game is afoot” but he didn’t know why that thought popped into his head.

*

Now that same day, two fellows, Cleopas and Jehosephat, who had heard all about the big happening, were on their way to a village called Emmaus located about seven miles outside of Jerusalem. It was a pleasant day for a nice walk and as they bopped along they were chatting about all that had happened. Jesus suddenly appeared beside them and walked with them, but he used his magic to blind them of who he actually was. “So,” he said, “what are you guys talking about?”

Cleopas looked at him and said, “What, you been living in a cave or something, you don’t know what’s been going on the last couple a days?” He didn’t realize how close he was to the truth.

“No, really, I don’t,” said Jesus. “Tell me about them.”

“It’s about this fellow Jesus of Nazareth you might have heard of. He was a prophet strong in word and deed before God, and you know doing stuff like that will get the noses of the powers that be all out of joint. The chief priests and our other rulers grabbed this Nazareth fellow and sentenced him to death. They crucified him over there on Skull hill. We were hoping he would be the one who redeemed all of Israel, but you know, best laid plans gang agley and all that. It’s been three days since this all took place and this morning some of the women went to the tomb and found it empty. They said they had seen a vision of angels dressed all funky in some really loud clothes who said that Jesus was still alive or alive again, whichever. Some of the men went to the tomb to check out their story and sure enough, the body was missing.”

Jesus said to them, “How foolish you are to be so slow in believing what the prophets have spoken.”

“Who you calling foolish?” Jehosephat challenged, but Jesus gave him one of his hard looks and he shut right up.

“Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things before he entered his glory?” Jesus said. The two men were scratching their heads so Jesus said, “Don’t answer that, it’s a rhetorical question.” He then began a speech that started with Moses and followed with every prophet who had something to say in the scriptures about Jesus himself.

As they approached Emmaus, Jesus continued on as if he were going farther, but the two guys, who enjoyed listening to him, coaxed him into spending the night with them.

When Jesus was at the table with them that night, he took some bread, gave thanks, broke off a couple of chunks and gave them to the other men. The moment he did so, Cleopas and Jehosephat recognized him, but before they could say Jack Robinson, Jesus blipped out, disappeared, and was gone.

Cleopas turned to his friend and said, “Jumpin’ Jehosephat, did you see that? Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked on the road and opened the scriptures to us? I mean, I’ve had heartburn before but nothing like that!”

Then they got up and walked the seven miles back to Jerusalem. There they found the Eleven and some new people who were hanging with them and they got their attention by declaring, “It’s true! The Lord has risen and appeared to Simon!” How they knew this, we don’t know, because as far as we can tell, they never really had a chat with Simon. Nevertheless, they told their story about meeting Jesus on the road and recognizing him when breaking bread at dinner. After that they took a siesta because they had walked fourteen miles that day. These dudes were tired.

*

While the boys were all standing around talking about this, Jesus beamed in from somewhere and stood among them. Every last Jack was startled spitless, but Jesus said, “Peace be with you” and they all clamed up and calmed down.

There were a few, though, who thought Jesus was a ghost. To them Jesus said, “Chill out children. Why are you so troubled? Why do doubts rise in your minds? Look at my
hands and feet. Don’t they look familiar? It’s me Dingbats! Jesus! Touch me if you don’t believe it. I mean, c’mon, really, do ghosts have flesh and bones?” When he finished saying this, he stuck out his hands and feet so the gathering could inspect them.

Many still couldn’t believe it was Jesus because of their joy and bewilderment. J and B
can cloud your thinking. While they stood around J and B-ing their heads off, Jesus said, “Do you have anything here to eat.” Lying around dead can give a person a heck of an appetite. Ask any zombie. The people gave Jesus some broiled fish which he hungrily
dispatched.

When he had finished the fish, he said, “This is what I have told you while I was still alive and kicking: Everything must be fulfilled that is written about me in the Law of Moses, the Prophets, NFL Guidelines and the Psalms.” Then he did some mental magic and opened minds, so they could understand the Scriptures. Prior to that they were, apparently, clueless. “This is what is written” he told them for the seemingly hundredth time, “the Messiah will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance for the forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations beginning at Jerusalem.” That repentance for forgiveness was a mouthful for the crowd to grasp, but their minds were open, so they handled it. Then Jesus finished by saying, “You here are all witnesses. I am going to send you what my Pop has promised…eventually, but until then, stay in the city until you have been clothed with power from on high and I’m not talking Armani.”

And that, Theo, pretty much wraps it up. Jesus led them all out to the vicinity of Bethany, raised up his hands and blessed them all. At the end of his blessing he ascended up into the clouds and disappeared. The crowd worshipped him awhile, sung a few hymns, said a few prayers, and then went back to Jerusalem to wait for their power suits to show up. They hung around the temple continually praising God.

The End. Well for now, anyway.


Copyright Doc Walton 2011