Every Word Is True

Although Panama is roughly the size of my daughters' neighborhood in Brooklyn with a population of less than four million people, it is clearly one of the greatest athletic nations on the planet. For proof of this contention, all one need do is consider this year's Olympic Games. Panama is averaging one gold medal for every three people on its team. The United States, by comparison, is averaging only about one gold for every twenty-five team members. Take away Michael Phelps eight golds and their average drops even lower. When one further considers that the Olympics lack true Panamanian sports like growing great coffee(they have won several world titles, machete juggling (our two best are missing several fingers but they carry on) Indian wrestling using real Indians, and Presidential cleaning out of the country's monetary coffers (the U.S. could medal in this one as well) one takes their hat off to the adjustments made by Panama to compete in the Olympics at all. If one also considers that the average Panamanian is about five feet tall, one must be amazed that such a diminutive people could produce an athlete that wins the Long Jump gold by leaping a distance nearly equivalent to six Panamanians layed (laid? which one is it Bonnie?) end to end.

It was not though, ever thus. When world class athlete Yers Trewly arrived in Panama five years ago he found little to recommend the country to the Olympic Committee. Certainly there was competitive baby making with Panama among the leaders in both most children before age fifteen and most children overall, but several other Latin countries were in that hunt as well. And of course there was Mariano Rivera the New York Yankee relief pitcher, but it was well known in this Catholic country that his soul was already on Beelzebub's shelf. No, it took Yers Trewly to introduce true athleticism to the natives and he remains, despite his age, among the country's leaders in competitive power napping, chain cigar smoking, cheap wine decanting, golf ball water dunking and consecutive Happy Hours observed. It is this fighting spirit that Yers Trewly brought to this splendid third world country and helped it rise to its current Olympian greatness.

No need to thank me though. It was my pleasure.