Testifying to Congress

The best combination of (2) flavors, by far, no debate, is red wine and dark chocolate. (You may disagree if you have nothing against being wrong.)

Alrighty then.

I recently testified before a congressional committee that I have never knowingly used steroids. That I have put on 20 pounds and upped my writing average far beyond my standards of five years ago are merely coincidental. Should, however, the "Clear" and the "Cream" ever become legal, I would not be adverse to giving them a try. The good folks at Balco say these are tools that will aid me in my attempts to go long. They say with proper application of the "Juice," a novel is not out of the question.

I also swore at my deposition that I don't carry illegal weapons when I go clubbing. Despite my celebrity status I have never felt in danger while in public. Of course I rarely travel without my bodyguards, RTGFKAR The Rotund, and noted sorceress, Woowoo Charly. Even when I choose to wear my most expensive jewelry, I feel safe with these companions in tow. A person would have to be crazy to make a grab for my Timex when these two toughies are around. On the home front I have the protection of three vicious attack puppies, so I have no worries there either.

I made it a point, when the subject came up, to note on my own behalf that I have never been arrested for domestic (or foreign) violence. I don't have any domestics, but if I did, I would treat them real nice.

I did admit, however, to testing positive for marijuana on a couple of occasions, but not during the writing season. The congressmen at the hearing were undisturbed by this revelation and were further relieved when I told them, "At no time did I ever not inhale." They apparently worry about waste.

I also swore that if I ever retired from the game I would, in fact, retire, and not make repeated comebacks that annoy the shit out of people who want to watch ESPN for real sports news. I also promised that if I did stray from the straight and narrow path that has earned me... hundreds, I would not make some lame apology, swear I now had Jesus in my corner and hope to be forgiven by my fans and, more importantly, keep my endorsements. I would take my medicine and go quietly away.

After my hearing was over, one of the Congressmen, I think he was a Republican, shook his fist at me and said "If everybody was like you, you Jerk, we Congresspeople would also have to keep our noses clean. Get out of here and don't ever come back you...you Commie!"