Alien Insight

A bright yellow, full moon assaulted my sleepy senses as I let the dogs out this morning. It was low in the sky, hovering just to the left of Volcan Baru. (I WOULD wax poetic if I COULD wax poetic, but we all know I CAN'T...wax poetic. This bit of universal knowledge, however, never gives me a moment's pause.)

And speaking of universal knowledge, we all know that full moons have an effect on tides, animals, policemen and their prey, my wife, poets, romantics and alien abductees. I think I might be one of the latter.

Every night, sometime after I have gone to bed and before I arise in the morning, there are blocks of time I can't account for. When I total up the time I spend going to sleep and add it to the time I spend dreaming, I frequently come up with hours that are completely missing. I mean they are gone! Totally! No recollection of them whatsoever! This and other clues say to me that aliens have drugged me or used mysterious hypnotic powers, taken me to their ship and conducted weird experiments upon my person. That, until now, I couldn't remember a thing about the abductions is clearly evidence that the aliens exist and are able to erase my memory. I say "until now" because lately I've become aware of clues that were right before me the whole time. Consider: For many years when I arose in the morning I would stretch and shake out a little, then drop down and do forty push-ups. I tried that yesterday and couldn't do five. Consider: For most of my entire adult life I weighed between 145 and 150 pounds. I woke up this morning and weighed 160. Consider: Every day my once brown hair grows increasingly grayer. Some parts are now actually white! Someone(something?) is messing with my internal dye. Consider: There are brown spots on my hands bigger than freckles. Where did they come from? Consider: I used to be five foot ten inches tall. Now I am five nine. Consider: My stomach has grown subtly and weirdly rounder! Has something been implanted? Consider: (and here is certain evidence)Sarah Palin.

I could go on with this litany of freakish change and freaky people - eyesight, hearing impairment, Rush Limbaugh, etc. - but it should be clear to you now, as it is to me, that I and others like me are the victims of alien interference and something must be done about it. If you or someone near you is experiencing similar symptoms, write me care of this blog. We must unite and put a stop to this madness before it is too late and the aliens have infected us all!