Jude

For those of you curious about how my Bible project is going, here is a sample,the first draft of the book of Jude.


The Book of Jude whose last name is Better Pay Attention

Hey, Jude’s letter to fellow believers is coming up right after this message from our sponsors: Mercy, peace, love and good pizza be yours in abundance.

Chapter 1. The Sin and Doom of Ungodly people. You know who I’m talking about.

Dear Friends,

I’ve been eager to write to you about the salvation and hot times in the old town we share, but first I’ve got to tell you we have to fight for the faith the Big Guy’s Son entrusted us with. That and better cable programming. There are certain individuals - whose fate it has been written will not be too swell - who have secretly slipped in among you. That’s right, you heard me, they’re freakin' spies. These are ungodly people who pervert the grace of God into a license for immorality. Some of you probably don’t know you have to get a license for immorality, but don’t worry, the test is a piece of cake. They also deny that Jesus is our only Sovereign and Lord Mucky-muck. I mean the nerve of these people! Some of them are easy to spot, right wing talk show hosts, Amway salesmen, big time money making preachers, pin striped ball players, etc., but others are downright sneaky, so be on your guard.

Though you already know all of this next, I’ll be redundant and remind you again that The Big Fella once delivered his people out of Egypt, but later smote the hell out of those who didn’t believe. I mean you gotta believe, right? And don’t forget those angels who didn’t keep up with their positions of authority and wandered off from their proper nests. Well, you know what happens to them, but I will tell you again anyway. They are bound up in chains and kept in darkness until Judgment Day rolls around when it’s really going to go bad for them. I’m talking bad. Like an itch on your wings that you can’t reach bad. Be thankful you are not one of those angels. Let Sodom and Gomorrah which gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion – that stuff they did with lettuce was truly gross – serve as an example of those who suffer the heartbreak of both psoriasis and eternal fire!

In the same way, on the strength of their screwed up dreams, these ungodly people pollute their bodies with Ripple and Lone Star while they reject the port of authority and say “your momma!” to celestial beings. Even the Archangel, I Want To Be Like Michael, when he was duke-ing it out with the devil didn’t dare to call him names.

He just said “The Lord rebuke you” which made him feel better but didn’t really phase the devil all that much. Yet these ungodly people speak abusively against whatever they do not understand, things like Physics and the West Coast Offense. What they do understand by instinct, cheesecake is good but you shouldn’t eat too much for instance, these are the very things that will do them in. Well, maybe not the cheesecake thing, but stuff kind of like that.

Woe to them! They have taken the way of Cane and Steinbrenner. They have rushed for profit into Balaam and Buckner’s error and they have been destroyed in Korah’s Jimmy Dean-like teen rebellion.

These people are blemishes at your love feasts, like pimples on the pudding. They eat with you and never pick up a tab. They are shepherds who don’t feed their flock, but flock to their feed. They are clouds without rain and I’m not talking about those big fluffy white ones. They are autumn trees without fruit that are uprooted. That makes them doubly dead, which is a hard thing to be. They are wild waves of the sea foaming up shame which is really difficult to surf on. They are wandering stars of track and field forever in the dark, getting suspended and fined over and over again. Black darkness and dark blackness have been reserved for them. They’re going to need serious flashlights.

Enoch, seven times removed from Adam and six times from Kevin Bacon, said about these people: “The Big WahHunka is coming with thousands of his holy ones to judge everyone, but mainly to convict the ungodly, who committed ungodly acts, in an ungodly way because of their ungodly desires and then spoke ungodly and defiant words to the Big Fella. If you ask me, that’s really pushing it. You’d think these ungodly geeks would be happy with their world class ungodliness, but no, they are grumblers, faultfinders, boasters and unrepentant flatterers of others to their own advantage. You get the picture? These guys are bad company.

Chapter 2 A Call to Hang in There

But listen to this dear friends, remember what JC’s apostles and Dionne Warfield predicted. When it comes time for the end game, there will be scoffers saying “scoff scoff” and following their own ungodly desires such as wanting to see the Yankees win another Series. These are people who divide you and follow their own mere natural instincts. Don’t be trusting your instincts, trust your outstincts because they have true team Spirit.

By building yourself up in holy faith and with Soloflex and Jack LaLaine videos, and praying like all get out, you will hang on to the Mighty Man’s love while you are hanging around waiting for His Kid to bring you eternal life.

But be merciful to those who doubt, they are just a bunch of doubting Bob’s. And save others by snatching them from the fire. I recommend some kind of flame retardant suit when you do that one, and show mercy, but mix it with some fear like that of a good smack upside the head with a two by four and also, and this is a bigee, hate clothing stained by corrupted flesh. Say, “shame on you clothing, shame on you.”

Doxology, Which is Not As I Have Noted Before, Doc’s Ology

Here’s to the guy who keeps you from stumbling so you can be presented before The Big Guy without fault or skinned knees and to the Savior His Own Fat Self go glory, majesty, good seats at the big game, power, and authority. Amen and bottoms up!