Best Bods?

My body is far and away the best one I have.

Okay, for all of you people who are without televisions or with good sense and are thus unaware of the much awaited by I can't imagine whom outcome of E!'s 101 Hottest Celebrity Bods, here are the top ten. But first a word from our sponsor.

Rundown? Tired? Overworked? Tense and stressed to the max? Feel depressed, anxious and pushed to the limit? Lost your appetite, your sex drive and your car keys? Is the heartbreak of psoriasis and an outbreak of acne ruining your love life? When you look in the mirror do you see bags under your eyes, lines around your mouth, a sagging chin and dull lifeless hair? Do facelifts, butt lifts, enlargements and enhancements seem like good ideas? Well then my friend, you are a sorry son-of-a bitch. And now back to our regular programming.

First off, what is a celebrity anyway? I always assumed it was someone I had heard of who was not a relative or Champ Bailey. That being the case, how did these people make E!'s top ten list? Aishwara, Chris Evans, Raoul Bova and Monica Belluci. Come on, Aishwara is a car model. You know, test drive the new Nissan Aishwara and you'll be thrilled with the ride. Chris Evans must be related to Dale and Monica Bellucci is the dessert you order at an Italian restaurant. We'll take a single order of the Belluci with two forks please. And a Raoul shouldn't be a top ten of anything other than fun things to say. Raahuuoool. So they're off my list. I've replaced them with the woman who plays Grace on "Will And", "Medium"'s chubby star, I think she's an Arquette, the guy who plays House and Queen whatsername. Real people with real bodies whose names I know but, apparently, not too well. There were also three B's in the top ten, Beckham, Beyonce, and Berry. Beckham's a soccer player married to one of the Spice girls. Nasty Naughty Outrageously Sexy Spice was her name and she didn't make the list. I'm kicking out Beckham and putting in his wife. Haile Berry was number 9. I'm speechless. 9. That's not possible. Especially when you consider that Number1, are your ready for this? Number 1 is Angelina Jolie. Either I have lost touch with reality or E! has. Angelina Jolie. I don't know if you've noticed but she has no booty at all and her lips are kind of overly large. Of course, maybe these are attributes in E!'s world, what do I know. But, really, Angelina over Berry. Not on my planet. Brad Pitt was in there somewhere, you knew he would be and Jessica Alba was Number2. My picks have Jessica at 1 1/2 so I have no quarrel there.

So that's over and now you know and knowledge is a good thing. Tune in tomorrow and I'll give you a sneak preview of E!'s top ten astral bodies. Here's a hint, Earth was disqualified for failing a drug test.