Good Ideas

Yahoo, from which I derive all my news except for the news I get from other places, recently had a list of the five foods you should NEVER eat. These were as I recall, Strychnine Coated Cocoa Puffs, Arsenic Almonds, Other Human Beings, Doggie Doodoo Doughnuts, and micro-wave popcorn. Yahoo was particularly adamant about the popcorn. Eating micro-wave popcorn will, apparently, cause bad things to happen like heart hernias, hip hemorrhaging and home team defeats. Because I believe everything I read on Yahoo - extra terrestrials ARE targeting Mississippi high school drop-outs fishing in remote places - I went directly to my nearest hot air popcorn popper store and bought one. Popcorn popped by this machine is perfectly safe for children and even adult users if precautions are taken. Salt and melted butter must be applied to the popcorn in the right order. For those of you uncertain, here it is: Butter first, salt second.

So there I was munching my safe, healthy treat and washing it down with liberal quantities of safe, healthy, pain relieving vodka, Advil and OJ, contemplating my navel and my liver while watching my beloved Denver Broncos fall short in a late game comeback attempt against the Philadelphia Eagles. The Eagles, I noted, held an unfair advantage in that their players were better than the Broncos' players. And, in addition, all the game officials were born and raised in the City of Brotherly Love and had promised their neighbors a sure fired Eagle victory. Money had changed hands. My proposal that each team captain alternately choose a player from either squad to make up their team, as is done on the playgrounds of the world, to make for a fairer and more competitive contest was ignored much to my chagrin. My chagrin, by the way, has now left me and is moving to Philadelphia.

Another of my great ideas that has been left dangling in the wind concerns the inability of white adults to appreciate the forms of music known as hip-hop and rap. (That's right, I am changing the subject.) The lyrics of many hip-hop and rap songs shock but fail to awe the Caucasian populace, telling, as they do, tales of violence, drugs and bad things done to ho's, yo momma and yo sista. They are often sung by threatening looking black men who wear their baseball caps askew, their pants below their butts and too much jewelry dangling from their necks over their sports team jerseys which serves to further distract from the message they are trying to impart. My proposal is this: You know the scene in almost every Disney movie where butterflies are fluttering around flowers, bluebirds are alighting on fences, bunnies are cavorting playfully in the grass and squirrels are chasing each other around tree trunks? If you can remember those scenes, than remember also the music that is playing while all that frivolity is going on. It is a chorus of high voiced, chirpy women who sound just a touch more human than Alvin and the Chipmunks. Why not have this chorus singing the hip-hop rap lyrics? Why not have them singing castrate the cops and spank yo ass? I think this would be so palatable to white listeners that they would no-doubt-about-it end up playing the tunes in dentist offices and on elevators.

"Would you push three for me please?" Altogether now in your best falsetto, "Fuck dat, you skanky ho."

That's all for now. Go Broncos, beat State.