Tiger's In The Woods

Tiger Tiger Tiger. Far be it from me to cast aspersions upon my fellow man for succumbing to temptation and not being delivered from evil, but this time the situation has gotten out of hand and something has to be said. When I learned of Tiger's marital digressions, I was appalled only to the extent of a quiet tsk tsk tsk, Tiger Tiger shame on you. But when it was later revealed that he was a partner in Michael Vick's dog fighting business, I was truly up-in-arms. Still, because I am a generous man, I was in a mood for forgiveness. When it was further revealed that Tiger fixed up Mike Tyson and Kobe Bryant with dates, I began to wonder about his serial improprieties. Late breaking stories that include Tiger's participation in the introduction of steroids to Bobby Bonds, Roger Clemons and others have seriously damaged my degree of fandom for the king of golf. When I also learned that Tiger is part owner of a bed and breakfast on the Appalachian Trail where Republican Congressman who weren't actually there could be signed in so as to appear present when, in reality, they were off cavorting elsewhere with dates that Tiger had arranged, well, I began to doubt my own loyalty to Tiger Nation. Although Tiger has been mostly lips sealed on his political convictions, new information, just now coming to light, has him linked to Katherine Harris in the 2000 Florida scam to get Dubya elected. Tiger will be quoted by a reliable source as saying, "Katherine and I were just friends, but I truly admire her skill with mascara application." In 2004 Tiger is credited with creating the "swift boat" fantasy and again aiding the Dubya campaign. As for 2008, what can be said? Of course Tiger and Sarah were an item, no secret there, but until the sordid facts are outed I will have no comment beyond saying the world will be shocked.

All this has added up, I am sad to say, in my jump from the Tiger Bandwagon onto that of Phil "Ficklehead" Mickleson's. The rumor that he and Tiger are much...closer, shall we say, than they appear, just can't be true, can it?