Gruber's Jungle Oil

Yesterday I purchased a bottle of Gruber's Jungle Oil, a jar of Gruber's Pomade and a jar of Gruber's Herbal Cream, all of which are "quite the rage" among gringos in our part of the world. The first is made from "Panama's finest medicinal plants and soybean oil. It rapidly neutralizes poisons and allergic reactions to sand flies, chiggers, mosquitoes, tics, wasps, bees, spiders and scorpions." I put these claims to the test last night by wrestling a mosquito to the ground and forcing it to sting me. I don't know what the definition of "rapidly" is in the phrase "rapidly neutralizes", but the itching caused by the sting did subside quicker than usual. The label on the bottle states that the ingredients also repel these creatures and I can verify that so far, apart from that odd mosquito - just by having the stuff in the house - none of the other little beasties have bothered me. Mr. Gruber, the label further says, is an FSU science graduate who once used the Jungle oil to heal a mole (the kind you get on your skin and not the kind from the book and movie "Wind in the Willows" who, we presume, are healthy and need no curatives.) Mr. Gruber's troublesome mole is described as having changed color and was bleeding before being eradicated by the oil. Alrighty then. Bloody moles, yuck. Additional uses for the Jungle Oil are "prevention and treatment of jungle rot, fungal and bacterial infections, acne, cuts, bruises and the cure of gangrenous skin ulcers."
It also can be used as "a massage oil to alleviate tense muscles, lupus and arthritis pain, varicose veins and inflammations." The Herbal Cream is used to "remove age spots, wrinkles, vanish acne and often heals some skin cancers." The Pomade is for athlete's feet and other problems like "Toenail Fungal Infections." The products were not sold from the back of a horse drawn wagon or even from the trunk of someone's car as you might suspect, but through a friend of mine who uses the profits to buy and make wheel chairs and crutches and such for the area's poor kids.

As you can see we are now prepared for all the tropics worst assortment of issues other than corrupt police, rapid Spanish speakers, slow restaurant service, rain and
frequent power outages.

I am not going to scoff and make fun of the aforesaid products that I was compelled to purchase by my wife and far be it from me to point out the the nature of the gringos in town has been changing since these products have been introduced to the area. I am not a conspiracy theorist and don't mean to suggest that the sudden rise in the incidents of gringos wandering unblinking and aimlessly about our fair town has anything to do with the use of these fine products. Drooling gringos muttering "Gruber Gruber" may have other causes for their zombie-like states. I merely mention this as one of the perplexing "coincidences" that have been occurring since words like pomade, herbal and oil began being used together.

I have to leave you fair readers now because even though I don't see any pesties around, I feel the need to put on some protection. I also, and this is oddly amusing, have the urge to chant. Exactly what I don' know, but for the moment, "Gruber Gruber" seems to work.