Health and Stuff Like That

I don't follow health news on a regular basis, it's seldom uplifting. I have a theory that lacks empirical and even anecdotal evidence, but must be true because why else would I have it, that the more you read or hear about these horrible diseases the more likely you are to contract them. I mean the Common Cold isn't common for nothing. You hear about it all the time. On the other hand nobody ever catches the Uncommon Cold because it is rarely even mentioned. Dodging reports about Swine Flu though, is nearly impossible, it's everywhere. You might even say it's pandemic if you are the kind of person who likes to throw words like that about. So far my only thought about Swine Flu, apart from not wanting to contract it, is that if it is bad, then Swinehundt Flu is probably worse and Dirty Rotten Low Down Bug Eating Bottom Dweller Swine Flu is even worse than that. My second thought, which just came to me now, is Swine Flu over the cuckoo's nest, but I don't really know what that's all about. I'm taking every precaution though, and so should you. If there are precautions laying around, I say, take them. I'm also washing my hands, except for my left one where I have nice hard guitar callouses on my fingertips I don't want to soften, but that's okay I shake with my right, staying out of school, avoiding Mexican swine and also Mexican rat bastards because they are probably carrying something bad too, covering my sneezes and coughs with my recently washed right hand so that it requires another scrub, taking time off from work, enveloping myself in Saran Wrap, wearing a surgical mask, which, speaking of sneezes, can get really nasty inside, and never breathing air that comes form the north where the U.S. and Mexico, those hotbeds of viral voodoo, lie. I also take a lot of preventative medication in the form of holistic, natural chemicals in pill form that ward off ailments of all sorts including reality. At least I would if I could get some. So I figure I'm safe.

I'm not safe though, from The Abominable Doctor Panagas whose lair I visited only last week. Dressed all in white and wearing a mask of his own, the evil physician showered me in bright lights and probed about my skin with diabolical instruments once used, I'm certain, in the Spanish Inquisition. I was forced, coerced, literally needled into agreeing upon a further session in which, during the cycle of the full moon, Dr. Panagas will morph into Dr.Scalpelhands and carve away, that's right, carve, chunks of my facial skin - here's the satanically clever part - and replace them with skin from my chest. What he will then use to cover the now missing chest skin remains a mystery known only to he and members of his, I suspect, coven. To prepare for this less than sterling moment, I was sent to get a blood test, presumably to determine if my precious red bodily fluid coagulated at an acceptable speed, but, also I suspect, to find out what my blood type was so he could determine whether to serve it chilled or at room temperature. It turns out that I can coagulate with the best of them, so I will be scheduled soon for the surgery that will take place in Doctor Phibes, I mean Panagas, office where there are no witnesses. Stay tuned for further details.