Macbeth

"What fools these mortals be" is a famous quote from either Shakespeare or Boris Karloff, I think, but if it's neither I'll take the credit for making it up. Anyway, the truth of the quote is born out by my having spent days writing the review that follows.

Macbeth, A Review
By Old Doc Whatsisname

I saw this play the other day written by some guy named William Shakespeare if you can believe a name like that. I’m told a lot of English names originated from the kind of work the person’s family did, so I’m guessing Willy’s bunch were some kind of soldiers. Who else shakes spears? Of course that whole concept gives me pause (to borrow a phrase from Willy himself) and makes me wonder what John Hancock’s clan did for a living, but, you know, that’s another story.

The first mistake Willy makes is setting his play, Macbeth, in Scotland. I mean who wants to see a bunch of guys running around in skirts? And it’s like medieval Scotland to boot. I say if you’re going to give us history as entertainment, give us history we care about. I for one would like to know more about that Mustang Ranch in Nevada. If Willy could write a play about that, he might have a hit on his hands.

Despite the setting, Macbeth gets off to a good start. There are three raggedy old witches on stage and everybody likes witches. This batch talks real funny, but I guess that’s okay, them being witches and all. Here’s a sample: “When shall we three meet again in thunder, lightening or rain? When the hurlyburly’s done, when the battle’s lost and won. That will be ere the set of sun.” See what I mean? Like when did witches become poets?

Oh well, that doesn’t matter much because the witches are only on stage for the blink of an eye before a whole mess of Scotsmen arrive and crowd up the place. These guys are Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Lennox and their assorted lackeys who don’t have much to do except stand about and look self conscious in their skirts. The four main guys crowd around a wounded sergeant who tells them all about how brave Macbeth and his buddy Banquo were in a battle against some Norwegian invaders. Norwegians were apparently pretty bad-assed in those days. The Wegian’s king is named Sweno, which is a cool name I think Shakespeare could have made more use of, but this is the last we hear of him. The Thane of Ross enters – Thane by the way is some kind of title – and tells Duncan that the Thane of Cawder was a traitor, but not to worry because Macbeth kicked his butt in battle. Duncan is Scotland’s own High Mucky Muck and he now decrees that Macbeth will become the new Thane of Cawder. After that, everybody leaves the stage and the witches come back.

Witches are usually up to no good and these three are no exceptions. One has been off killing swine and another has put a sailor into a storm just because his wife wouldn’t share her chestnuts. I don’t know if chestnuts is a euphemism for something else, but the fact it has chest in the word makes it seem likely. Before the third can brag about her dirty deeds done dirt cheap, a drum is heard and Macbeth makes an entrance with his buddy Banquo. They take a gander at the three hags and more or less say. “What in holy hell are you?” Of course Willy’s words were fancier than that, but you get the drift. The witches dance around as witches are prone to do and cry out stuff like hail Macbeth Thane of this and that, but they don’t really get his attention until they say he will be king hereafter. Macbeth is too stunned by this to say anything, but Banquo chimes in and asks in so many words – okay, too many words – what about me? The witches tell him he won’t be king, but he’ll have kids that will be. Then, because they are witches and they can, they disappear, leaving Mac and Banq to wonder if they were real or whether the two of them had been slipped some psychedelic shrooms or something that “takes the reason prisoner.” They want to believe though, because, what-the-hell, those were pretty nice predictions.

Ross and a guy named Angus, who, if I was writing the thing, I would have made black as a little joke, come on stage and tell Macbeth that he is the new Thane of Cawder because the old one was a traitor and is now locked up. Macbeth wanders over by the audience and says, “Glanis and Thane of Cawdor! The greatest is behind” which is a round about way of saying, “Alrighty then!” He turns to Banquo and all goofy like tells him his kids are going to be kings, because if one prophecy is true, they all must be true! Then he turns back to us in the audience and lays on a long rap about his head spinning and not knowing for sure what’s going on, but maybe it’s all good. Banquo seeing Mac talking to himself turns to the others and says, Dude’s gone round the bend. They all head off stage to find the king because Macbeth suggests it and what with him being the Thane of one thing and another, I suppose they gotta comply.

The curtain closes for a bit so I make it to the lobby and chug down a couple paper cups of wine. I figure I’ll need it because it’s going to be a long night. We’re only up to scene four and according to the program there is a lot more to come.

I get back to my seat, the curtain parts and we’re in a palace. Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Lennox and their hairy legged attendants are all hanging about. Duncan wants to know if the old Thane of Cawder has been executed yet and Malcolm tells him the deed is done and the guy confessed his crimes and then died well. I don’t know what dying well means, but I suppose it’s along the lines of “no fuss.” Duncan says - again more or less - too bad, he kind of liked the guy. Macbeth, Banquo, Ross and Black Angus (forget that, I couldn’t help myself) enter stage right and Duncan starts praising Macbeth like all get out. Macbeth goes giddy humble-like and says, in my words not Willy’s, “Just doing my duty Your-High-Old-Big-Self.” Duncan throws Banquo a compliment or two as well and tops it of with a hug. He then names his own son, Malcolm, Prince of Cumberland, and the next in line for the throne. After that he decrees it’s off to Macbeth’s place in Inverness to party down! Mac begs a head start to warn his wife and make preparations and is given his leave.

Before he goes though, he turns again to the audience and gives us a little “Hehhehheh” kind of speech about his dark desires to be king and wanting to bypass this whole Prince of Cumberland bullpuckey. It’s right here, I think, that Willy wants us to know that Macbeth is going to be a heavy in this play, because he ends Mac’s monologue with “Which the eye fears, when it is done, to see.” I mean, that can’t be good.

The next scene - we’re up to five already - Old Mac’s wife, Lady Macbeth, is walking back and forth reading a letter from Mac himself. She reads it aloud and in it Mac tells her about the witches’ prophesies and everything that has happened. He says that he worries about her being up to the task of doing whatever is necessary to make him king what with her being noble and moral and stuff like that. He does remind her though, that if he’s king, she will get to wear a crown as well. Mac can talk high falutin’ like, but he ain’t subtle.

Just then a messenger appears telling Lady Mac the king is on his way there and that Mac will precede him by a bit.

The messenger leaves and Lady Macbeth talks to herself aloud so we can hear it. She tells us, essentially, that Mac has nothing to worry about. She is going to cast off her goodness and be as black hearted as necessary to see that Duncan gets what-for and Mac becomes king.

Mac shows up at that moment and tells her the king is coming for the night. Lady Mac outs with it and says Duncan will never see the morrow. She tells Mac to look like an innocent flower and to leave everything to her. Mac gives her one of those sounds good to me looks, nods, and exits stage right.

From stage left comes a whole slew of Scots including Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Banquo, Lennox, Ross, Angus, a new guy, Macduff and all those biggie’s plaid skirted attendants.

Duncan says something nice about the castle as he enters and Banquo agrees and fawns all over him. Banquo is an ass kisser.

Lady Macbeth shows up and Duncan thanks her for her troubles to which she says, hey no problem, mi casa es su casa and like that, after which Duncan asks her where Macbeth is. Lady Mac says he’s off making sure the servants have everything in order and Duncan says let’s go find him.

In scene seven, yeah that’s right, we’re up to seven and so far it’s been all talk no action, the curtain opens to a bunch of servants wandering around looking busy. Macbeth strides in talking to himself – there’s a lot of that happening in this play – and he’s having second thoughts about doing in Duncan. Old Dunk has been a darn good king for the most part. “He’s here in double trust” he says. “First, as I am his kinsman and his subject, strong both against the deed; then, as his host, who should against his murderer shut the door, not bear the knife myself.” You can see why I paraphrase most of this stuff. If I didn’t, we could be here all night. Really, this guy Willy does go on and on.

So Mac, having second thoughts, tells his wife that and she reads him the riot act. She tells him in so many words to grow a pair and be a man. She then tells him the plan. She’s going to get Duncan’s guards drunk with “wine and wassail” and then slip into the sleeping king’s room and do him in with the guard’s own blades. Macbeth likes it, so he says “I LIKE IT!” more or less in capital letters and then he says, “Away, and mock the time with fairest show: False face must hide what the false heart does know.” Come on Willy, I say, lighten up Dude, and talk like a real person.

We all take another break here before Act Two and I have a couple more hits of wine. I figure if we don’t get some action here soon, I can at least take a nap.

Okay it’s late. Banquo and his son Fleance, who if were him would be royally (Royally Ha! That’s funny) pissed at getting the name Fleance, are wandering about with torches. Banquo is bemoaning a touch of insomnia. Macbeth shows up with one of his servants also carrying a torch. Mac and Banq have a chat. Banq says some nice things about the king - he’s still a fawning arse - and then mentions he dreamt of the three witches who had favored Mac with some truth. Mac lies and says he never gives the witches a second thought, but he’d like to talk about them some other time. Banq says right on man, whenever. Mac sends him and the servants off to bed. He instructs one of the servants to go tell Lady Macbeth to strike a bell when his bedtime cocktail is ready. I wonder what that is all about and if I could get a taste, but it gets cleared up in a hurry.

Mac strolls to center stage and drones on and on about this imaginary dagger he sees. “I see thee yet, in form as palpable as this which I now draw.” He takes it as a sign he needs to get on with his dirty deed not yet done.

A bell rings and Mac knows that Lady M has done her part. The Lady herself is over on another part of the stage and both she and Mac hear noises. They run into each other. I’ve done it, Mac tells her and then, “Didst thou not hear a noise?” “An owl and some crickets” she says, “Why?” Mac’s all twisted up and out of sorts, because one of the guards had cried “Murder!” and another one had said “God bless us.” Mac was upset because he couldn’t say “Amen” to that. Lady Macbeth tells him to fahgeddabout it. “These deeds must not be thought” she says, “they’ll make you mad,” meaning, you know, nutso.

Macbeth though, rambles on. “Methought I heard a voice cry, ‘Sleep no more! Macbeth doth murder sleep.” He goes on in that vein for awhile until Lady Macbeth says, “You do unbend your noble strength to think so brainsickly of things.” I kind of like that “brainsickly” part. That’s a cool word. Then Lady Mac seeing that Mac still has the bloody daggers in his hands, says that he has to go back and plant them on the sleeping guards. Mac says he won’t do it. He’s turned chickenshit, so Lady Macbeth does it herself.

They both run off then to get cleaned up so they can look all sleepy and innocent when the foul deed is discovered…which it is, in the very next scene.

So there they are lying around when there is much ado about the knocking at their door by a porter. Macduff and Lennox encounter the porter outside the Macbeth’s chambers and Macduff asks the porter why he is up so late. The porter, who is an honest sort, admits he was drinking and carousing and that drinking provokes three things. What are they Macduff wants to know, and so do I.

“…nose painting, sleep and urine” he says. Well, he’s definitely got those last two right and maybe even the first. I mean, what do I know about the Scots? Maybe they are all a bunch of nose painters waiting to happen. He then goes on to say that booze also provokes lechery and unprovokes lechery, meaning it stimulates desire, but takes away performance. Well here-here to that, but I recall that someone else said, “Alcohol dulls a man’s senses, which is true, if he’s a dull man,” but I won’t quibble, because right here Macbeth gets up and says what’s up?

Duffy, let’s just call him that so the two Macs won’t get confused, and Lennox want Macbeth to take them to the king, it being their job to wake him. Mac says no prob and leads them to Duncan’s room. Along the way Lennox gives a little speech about what a tough night he had had what with bad dreams and all, but also I think, because Willy Shakes had promised the actor a speaking part.

As you might imagine, the doo doo definetly hits the fan when it is discovered that the king has been done in. People are running all over the place shouting stuff and keeping me awake. The king’s guards are found slain and Macbeth admits to bumping them off in a rage after finding the king dead. He says to explain his rage “Who can be wise, amazed, temperate, and furious, loyal and neutral in a moment?” and everybody goes oh yeah, sure, right and buys it, but I’m thinking forensics would have the time of death thing nailed down forthwith and Macbeth’s BS would sound a lot like that “Methinks he doth protest too much” phrase that I learned from somebody, but don’t remember who.

Malcolm and Donalbain are a little less gullible than the others and fearing for their own lives they do the right thing and book. , Malcolm to England and Donalbain to Ireland.

The curtain goes down and up again and we find a nameless old guy probably working for actor’s equity minimum and Ross talking about the weird stuff that’s been going down since the murders. Stuff like owls killing hawks and horses eating each other. I think maybe Willy was just trying to set a spooky mood here. Anyway Duffy walks in and he and Ross speculate as to who offed the king. They figure the guards really had no motive and even though Malcolm and Donalbain boogied right after the crime, they being the king’s sons and all, it would be seriously unnatural for them to have popped their old man. They point out though, that since the sons have fled, Macbeth, being the Thane of this and that, will now become the king.

Act 3 Scene 4, a couple more hits of vino and I’m getting a little curious how this play is going to…well, play out.

Everybody seems to have cut and run for one place or another except Banquo who is hanging around the stage wondering aloud if Macbeth’s having all his prophesies come true was done in an underhanded fashion by Mac himself. He sort of concludes that, what-the-hell, as long as the hag’s prophesy about him and his kids came true as well, why sweat it?

Macbeth enters and invites Banquo and everybody else hanging around the castle to a big feast planned for that night. He then asks Banquo if he is going riding that day and Banquo says you bet, he and Fleance will be galloping about. Mac says be sure to be back in time for din-din. Banquo leaves and Mac does one of his talk to the audience monologues. This time it’s pretty much about why he needs to take out his good bud Banquo. What’s the point of him being king if Banquo’s kids are going to be the heirs is the gist, but of course, Willy being Willy, he runs on about it at length.

Right after he’s done, one of his servants brings in a couple of hit men that Mac has apparently sent for. Their names are not Dom and Vinnie, but they could be if this was Italy or, you know, New Jersey. Tony Soprano would be proud of these guys. Mac in his long winded fashion – I’m thinking the actor is getting the big bucks just for memorizing all this stuff – convinces them to knock off Banquo and positively snuff Fleance as well.
Lady Macbeth reappears at this point and Mac goes into one of his woe is me speeches. Lady M tells him chin up, buck up, stiff upper lip and all that, because he needs to look chipper at that night’s party. Mac tells her about the hit on Banquo and asks her to back him up. Lady M gives him an Oy Vey what next, kind of look and the scene ends.

When the curtains open again, we get another nice action bit with hit men pouncing on Banquo. Fleance gets away though, so the hit dudes are partially foiled. There is no long winded speechifying here, so it’s a real short scene.

Curtain opens again and we are at the banquet. We have the usual ensemble gathered about, Mac and the Lady, Ross, Lennox, and a few other Lords, Ladies and attendants. Willy might have saved a few production bucks here with, like, cardboard cutouts for the non speakers. There is small talk going on when one of the hit men shows up at the dining hall door and Mac wanders over to talk to him. The button says, “My lord, his throat is cut, that I did for him” and Macbeth says – and for some reason I dug this line – Thou art the best o’ the cut-throats: yet he is good that did the like for Fleance: if thou didst it, thou art the nonpareil.” I think it was the “best o’ the cut-throats” part that got me. I could picture the hit man going back to his buddies and loudly shouting, “I’m number 1! I’m number 1!” I mean we all have our goals. His joy was short lived though. He had to fess up that Fleance escaped. Tony would not have been happy “wid dat!”

Mac sends the guy away and Lady M comes over and tells him to join the party, everybody is waiting for him to get started. Mac heads to his chair, but sees Banquo’s ghost sitting in it. That’s right, ghosts and witches in the same play. Willy’s clearly a risk taker. If I were him though, I’d get Spielberg to direct. He did great stuff with “Poltergeist.” Mac doesn’t realize he is the only one who can see the ghost, so he carries on a bit and freaks everybody out. Lady Macbeth covers for him by telling everyone to chill, Mac has these small fits every once in awhile but they pass quickly.

Banquo’s ghost blips out at this point and Mac and his Lady have a chat. Mac’s all upset about the dead supposed to be staying dead and not running around and sitting in people’s chairs. Lady M reminds him, Dude, we got a party going on here, and Mac gets with it and makes a toast to Banquo. I’m thinking he shouldn’t have done that because, you guessed it, the ghost shows up again. This time Macbeth talks right to it and his guests are freaked all over again. Lady Mac apologizes, but it doesn’t help much. Lennox and Ross leave saying take care of the old sock and the party ends. Lady M and Mac talk and he tells her he is going to go back and check with the witches tomorrow because he needs to know more.

The curtain opens on the next scene and we find a new witch named Hecate that if Willy had been a little more politically correct he might have named Personcate, chewing out the three other witches for messing around with Macbeth without letting her in on the deal. Now, she says, she has to pull off some big time magic so that Macbeth will “spurn fate, scorn death, and bear he hopes ‘bove wisdom, grace and fear.” This is good work if you ask me. She ends by saying, “And you all know, security is mortals’ chiefest enemy.” And ain’t that the truth!

Lennox and an unnamed Lord appear on the stage and Lennox prattles on about what a good guy Macbeth is and how he had done all the right things. He then inquires about the missing Macduff and the Lord tells him he’s off to England to rouse King Edward and warlike Siward to come back and unseat Macbeth. Lennox gets a little wishy-washy here as he thinks that might not be a bad idea.

It’s back to the three witches after that and they are having a grand old time throwing stuff in a large cauldron none of which are missionaries, but interesting stuff anyway. I’m talking hard stuff to find like fillet of fenny snake, newt’s eyes, Turk and Tartar lips and for a real gruesome effect, finger of birth-strangled babe. After that they all sing “Double, double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble” which I think I saw on a Halloween card, so Shakes is not above a little plagiarism is he?

Hecate then shows up and she’s proud as a peacock about the three witch’s brew, so she lays a poem on us as well. I’m not going to quote it here, but I will give you the next rhyme by one of the other witches. It goes: “By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Open locks, whoever knocks!”

And wouldn’t you know it, in pops Macbeth!

He’s clearly troubled and looking for answers but starts out with, “’S’up, how’s it going, comistah?” and like that.

The witches dance around, throw more weird shit in the cauldron and an apparition appears. This could be the ghost of Christmas Past for all I know, - I mean it’s nobody from this play – but before it sinks back into the pot, it tells Macbeth to beware of Macduff.

Macbeth says thanks for the info and then another apparition appears. This one tells Mac that “none of woman born shall harm him” and right away Mac figures he really has nothing to fear from Duffy. He decides to kill him anyway, just so he can sleep better.

Yet another apparition rises from the cauldron and this one is a child with a crown on its head. It tells Mac that he can’t be vanquished in battle “…until Great Birnam Woods to high Dunsinane hill shall come against him,” Mac’s thinking a forest trotting across the plain to get him seems highly unlikely so he’s sitting in high cotton or fat city or one of those. Before he can find out, though, whether the kid with the crown is his or Banquo’s, eight, get this, eight more apparitions pop up, all of them kings! They are followed by Banquo’s ghost who points at them to indicate they are all in his line. Willy is clearly a playwright big on special effects.

Mac is bummed and the witches try to cheer him up with a little music and dancing. It doesn’t help though, so they disappear again and the curtain falls.

It’s back to the concession stand for me. I could use a shot of something - witches, ghosts, apparitions, things like that can put you on edge - but I settle for more wine. The BCP, which sounds like a fuel additive but is really a bunch of people who do stuff, is putting on this show and although it’s clear they all drink heavily and avoid therapy, they’re not sharing the good stuff.

When the curtain rises again we are in Macduff’s castle, that’s right Duffy’s place, and Lady Duff and her son Little Duff are talking to Ross who is her cousin. Lady Duff is ticked that Big Duff has fled to England and left her and the kids in the lurch. Ross is pretty much doing a “there-there Cuz, hang in, things will get better, but Lady Duff is having none of it. Ross says some nice stuff and leaves. I’m thinking he’s happy to get out of there.

Little Duff asks his mom if his old man is a traitor and she says you betcha. Little Duff then asks what is a traitor and Lady Duff says, “Why, one that swears and lies.” Little Duff says, “And be all traitors that do so?” Lady Duff doesn’t correct by saying “who do so” but once again says you betcha and adds all traitors should be hanged, everyone. The kid asks who is going to do the hanging and his mom says, “Honest men.” The kid, who is kind of a whippersnapper, points out that there are so many swearers and liars they would probably end up hanging the few honest men!

This was all, I’m guessing, comic relief, but it doesn’t last long. A messenger comes in and suggests that harm is on the way and that Lady Duff and company should head for the hills. Lady Duff says she has done nothing wrong and has no reason to leave. Bad decision.

Macbeth’s hit men arrive asking the whereabouts of Macduff and calling him a traitor. Lady Duff gives them a smart-alec answer and Little Duff calls them a name. He gets stabbed and killed for his smart mouth and Lady Duff flees. So much for motherly protection instincts and so much for comic relief. Too bad. We all kinda liked the kid. Down comes the busiest curtain I’ve ever seen.

When next it pops up, we are across the water in jolly old England, wouldn’t you know. Macduff and Malcolm are hanging about chewing the fat. They’re grieving for their losses and Macduff is suggesting that Malcolm overthrow Macbeth. Malcolm, being a totally honest dude, does a perish the thought speech or two where he suggests he would be a worse king than Macbeth. He says that Macbeth is “bloody, luxurious, (I don’t get that one) false, deceitful, sudden, malicious, smacking of every sin that has a name” but that he would be worse, because he is such a horny dude you would have to lock up all the wives, daughters, matrons and maids. My kind of guy. Macduff, however, is not taken aback. Not to worry, he says, we can find enough willing dames to satisfy you.

Malcolm goes on though, and explains he’d want lands and jewels and pretty much whatever anyone had that he took a liking to and that he is really a bad guy underneath.

Macduff is still undaunted. Lots of kings have been like that he says. We can find you enough material stuff to keep you happy, because you have all the other graces necessary to wear a crown.

Like is this Macduff dude desperate or what?

Malcolm, still being honest – you gotta give him that – reels off a whole litany of graces he doesn’t have. “Justice, verity, temperance, stableness, bounty, perseverance, mercy, lowliness, (huh?) devotion, patience, courage, fortitude.” He finishes by saying, “I have no relish of them, but abound in the division of each several crime, acting in many ways. Nay, had I power, I should pour the sweet milk of concord into hell, uproar the universal peace, confound all unity on earth.” I’m thinking okay Dude we get your point. You DON’T want to be king, so lighten up about it will ya… for crying-out-loud.

Macduff finally gets it too. Scotland is screwed. He’s completely bummed and Prozac is still in the testing stage. Woe is him and like that.

And then – oh man, this is too much - I guess because he sees Macduff so twisted up, Malcolm decides to takes it all back! Actually he admits, he’s never really done anything bad, he just thinks bad stuff. So – give me a break – he declares himself at Macduff’s disposal! Willy makes it all fairly believable though, so I suspend my disbelief and go with it. I mean, what else you gonna do?

A doctor strolls onto stage at this point and talks about England’s king being – is this off the wall or what – a laying on of hands healer. He’s also a prophet. Why this part of the play is there I don’t know yet.

The doc exits and Ross comes strolling in. This guy is everywhere. He tells Macduff that all is well back at his place, or at least it was when he left, but that Scotland was the pits and it was time to round up the troops and set things right. Malcolm is all for it, but Macduff is a trifle hesitant. Ross then fesses up that he has heard that Macbeth set upon Duffy’s castle and wiped out his whole family.

The Duff dude breaks down and gives a fancy grief speech. I don’t know where Willy gets all these words. Duff is now not only depressed he’s feeling guilty as well. I’m worried about the guy. Right about then, Malcolm and Ross tell Duff to get a grip and turn his grief to anger and revenge. Seems like a good idea. We all agree and Macduff does too.

Okay, it’s back to Dunsinane, Macbeth’s place, at the next curtain lift, where we find a doctor talking to a gentlewoman – I know she’s that because it says so in the program - who is telling him that Lady M is walking in her sleep every night. Just then, on cue (literally), Lady M comes walking in. Her eyes are open but, as the doctor says, “Ay, but their sense is shut.” In case you are not up to speed on Willyspeak, this means she is sleep-walking. Lady M then does a pantomime of washing her hands. She talks aloud and says, “Out, damned spot! Out I say,” at which point a Dalmatian that had been hanging around back stage makes a break for it. (Okay I made that up.) What really happens is that Lady M goes on scrubbing her hands to get off blood only she can see while she blabs all of her and Mac’s terrible deeds.

The doc and the gentlewoman hear all and are flabbergasted, which is the kind of word I’m thinking Willy might have invented and maybe he did. Anyway, after spilling all the beans, Lady M abruptly departs and goes back to bed. The doc tells the gentlewoman to keep an eye on her and splits for his own sack. He’s downright confused himself. “My mind she has mated, and amazed my sight. I think, but dare not speak” is how he puts it.

BANG, ZOOM, POW (where is Batman when we need him?) and like that the curtain falls and rises to a scene in the woods where new players Menteith and Caithness gather with Angus, Lennox and a troop of soldiers. These guys are here primarily to tell us that Malcolm, Macduff, Siward and a small army are closing on Birnam Wood and they are all pissed, but also, I think, Shakes is getting paid by the word. I mean, really, is this scene necessary? I could have stayed in the lobby and had another cup of that delicious Clos wine. These guys discuss what Macbeth is up to, fortifying his joint, - that’s my phrase not Willy’s and although it’s not one of my best it gives me a chuckle - and then they march off to join the good guys at Birnam Wood.

Back at the ranch, Dunsinane, Macbeth is holding court with the doc and several attendants and going on about having nothing to fear. Birnam Wood can’t move to Dunsinane and he can’t be killed by anyone born of woman, so take one of your own chill pills Doc and relax.

A servant enters and tells Mac that ten thousand soldiers are headed this way. Mac calls him a “whey-face” and tells him to leave. I make a note to remember that one, whey-face. Curds and whey face might be even better. Mac calls for his buddy Seyton and tells him to get his armor ready. Seyton says no need just yet. Mac then chews out the Doc for not being able to help Lady M with her diseased mind. He doesn’t say brainsickly this time but he should have. The doc says Lady M has to help herself, but Mac is not thrilled with that answer. He also asks the doc if there were a drug to “scour these English hence” but gets another negative. Truth is, we Doc’s can only do so much!

Mac says screw it, he’s not worried. “I will not be afraid of death and bane, ‘till Birnam forest come to Dunsinane.” He does have that going for him and with it rhyming like that, it’s even cooler.

Unfortunately for him the next scene is of all the good guys, Malcolm, Siward, Young Siward (Where did he come from Willy?) Macduff, Mentieth, (which is pronounced men teeth. That’s a little weird), Caithness, Angus, Lennox, Roth and the whole damn army. This is a big production. The BCP went all out.

Siward asks, “What is the wood before us?” and is told Birnam. Malcolm orders every soldier to hack down a bough and disguise himself to “shadow the numbers of our host” and even though there is a mild protest from the tree huggers in the audience, the soldiers go off to get with the program.

It’s back to Dunsinane after that, where Mac is hanging out with Seyton and some soldiers. Mac is bragging about how his castle can hold off a siege no problem when he hears a woman’s scream. What the hell is that, he asks. Seyton says it is the cry of a woman and rushes off to help. When he comes back, he tells Mac the queen is dead.

Mac gives a nice speech then, maybe the best one Willy has put in his mouth. “She should have died hereafter, there would have been time for such a word. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” I really like that sound and fury part. I think I’ll steal it for a title if somebody else hasn’t done it already.

While I’m savoring that in my wine addled head, a messenger shows up on stage and tells Mac the woods are closing on the castle! Mac says he’ll hang the guy from the nearest tree if he’s lying, but of course he’s telling the truth. Mac says ring the alarm and get ready to fight. In my seat I’m saying bring it on, because, that’s like a quote too, right?

Next scene, which is out in front of the castle, Malcolm says, “Throw down your leafy screens” and then tells his uncle Siward and his kid to lead the charge. He himself and Macduff are going to hang back and see what else needs to be done.

ZAP, new scene. Macbeth is wandering around looking for someone to tangle with. He’s still not worried. He’s got that no born of woman thing working for him. Young Siward comes on the scene and they spend some time bad-mouthing each other before they fight. Siward gets run through and dies. Too bad you were born of woman Macbeth says. He doesn’t thumb his nose, but he could of.

Macduff shows up followed quickly by Siward and Malcolm. They bring news that the castle has been breeched. They head on in, Macduff especially, wanting to find Macbeth and, what-do-you-know, sure enough he does.

Mac says something like back off buddy I’ve got enough of your family blood on my hands already. Duffy says my sword is my voice and they begin to fight. These guys are no Errol Flynn and Basil Rathbone as fencers or even Connery and Shaw in “Robin and Marion” but they get it on good enough to get me and the audience riled up. Macbeth is doing well, so he gives a shout out to Macduff and says, “I bear a charmed life, which must not yield, to one of woman born.” Macduff shouts back, too bad Bozo, because, “Macduff was from his mother’s womb untimely ripp’d.” Why he spoke of himself in the third person, I don’t know. He’s probably an ex NBA guy. Doesn’t matter here though, Duff’s caesarian born is Willy’s point, and thus not of woman born. I think that’s stretching it a little bit, what with me having a caesarian birth my own self, but I opt to buy it ‘cause this turkey has gone on long enough.

Macbeth is taken aback by this bad news but vows to fight on anyway. Like what else is he going to do? He growls, “Lay on Macduff, and damned be him that first cries, ‘Hold, enough!’” and they fight their way off stage.

Malcolm, Siward, Ross and some other Thanes take the stage. Siward is told his son was killed and he takes it well all things considered. (All things considered? I’m thinking that would be a catchy name for a show too.) Macduff is missing and the guys are worried about him, but just then he shows up on stage carrying Macbeth’s head. A dead Macbeth means Malcolm is now king. They all hail the new King of Scotland and Malcolm gives a small speech about justice being served and all that kind of gobbledygook. The play ends. It’s a good ending I think, all things con…nevermind, but I do wonder if anyone else remembers the lock up your wives and daughters part if Malcolm takes the throne, but, well, that’s a play for me to write.

My hat is finally off to Willy Shakes for just seeing this thing through to the end. I’m not sure I could have made it myself without those frequent copas de vino tinto. While the cast was taking their bows and getting their flowers, I tried to start an “Author Author” chant, but nobody picked up my lead. In fact, a lot of people just stared at me. I don’t know what their problem was. Truth is I just wanted Willy to share in the kudos, but he never showed. Too bad. I mean it seems unlikely to me with this bomb out there that he’s ever going to get another chance. So in summation I say to him. Yo Dude, Willy my man. I respect you for giving this play writing thing a go, but really, Dude, listen to me. Don’t give up your day job.