Elliptical Glider

I woke up with this old goodie from Aretha on my mind: Whenever I wake up, before you put on your make up. I run in fear and hide from you.

In my never ending quest to return to those thrilling days of a taut hard belly...okay, day, I've purchased an elliptical glider. I can now be seen gliding elliptically all over the place. I had one of these some years back, the year Dara got married in fact, which was, let me see, cough cough mumble mumble, called an Orbitrek and the odd looking contraption worked as advertised, can you believe it? Woowoo Charly hated it because it was in the living room/kitchen - we only had one other room in the cabin - and she said it was ugly. "Hey", I would point out, "that's like saying workout gyms are ugly"; a not too convincing argument. I would peddle away each morning to Sportscenter on the tube and by the time Dara's wedding rolled around, I was fit as a fiddle if a fiddle could do push-ups and jumping jacks. My tuxedo hung nicely and my cumberbun was not too snug. (Cumberbun? How do you bake cumber buns? RTGFKAR will know.)

The Elliptical Glider, yeah that's its name although I call it Fred, came in a box and required assembly. I remember assembly from high school. The Principal would come out and speak for awhile, we'd boo and try not to get caught doing it, and then some kind of program would occur. With that in mind, I called everyone I know to gather but nobody showed up so I was forced to assemble myself. In the Sixties, assembling yourself was called "getting your shit together." Maybe it still is. Anyway, tools and instructions came with the glider and, miraculously, the instructions were in English. This may in part be a result of the product being made in some place called UK. I think that's pronounced uck and they must speak English there which is lucky for them because Bush wants to invade all non English speaking countries before his term is up. Excluding Texas, of course, where they don't speak English, but they do speak Bush. I got the whole thing assembled in about an hour and a half of steady cursing and then took it for a test ride in front of the Spanish version of Sportcenter which apparently recognises no other sport but soccer. Gooooooaaaaaalllllll. I've put the glider in our guest room away from those you know kind of people who point their fingers at things and say, "that's ugly."

If anyone is getting married about six months from now, give me a call. I'll look real good in a tux by then. RTGFKAR will bake the cumber buns.