Oldie #3 Don't read unless you are a golfer

QUEBRADA GOLF COURSE AT VALLE ESCONDIDO
By Doc Walton

Hollywood has nothing on the Quebrada Grande G.C. Nestled in a sweet, green valley just back of town, this nine hole beauty looks like the backdrop for a remake of Shangri La, but plays more like Alien vs. Tiger Woods. You would think on first sighting of the seemingly harmless fairways and benign greens that comprise Quebrada’s six par threes and three par fours, that there would be little danger awaiting the average Joe Golfer. But looks, as we have learned from countless B films throughout the years, can be deceiving. Quebrada has a dark side.

The sixth hole, for instance, has been nicknamed Psycho by the Joe Golfers who play there on a regular basis and it is easy to understand why. At a listed 78 yards it is a mere wedge away and at first glance seems to pose few problems. Of course you are hitting from an elevated tee across a flowery, jungle covered gorge to a postage stamp sized green, but c’mon, it’s right there. Pay no heed to the steep drop-off right of the green or the bunkers that guard the back and left. Forget that a shot hit just a smidgeon right, left or short means a lost ball and enjoy the beauty of the towering wild fig tree that over hangs the green waiting to catch a shot arcing too high, so it can juggle the ball in its branches before tossing it over the side. Really, just ignore all that and play! Oh and that guy standing on the nifty elevated footbridge that leads to the green? Ignore him too. I can’t be sure, but I think it’s Norman. Norman Bates.

The horror movie analogy doesn’t begin and end with the sixth hole. It begins like all good stories – and good golf courses - at the beginning with the first hole and ends with the apparent defeat of the monsters on the ninth.. Of course the monsters don’t really die. They are reborn each time you return to the course to play a sequel. Let’s take a quick look at what else lurks out there at Quebrada G.C. and awaits the unwary golfer. And while we’re at it, let’s give them all names too.

Hole number 1 plays 108 yards from an elevated and palm tree surrounded, back tee box. The fairway drops down in a couple of stages to a goodly sized green that looks close and inviting. Right of the fairway there are hedges and trees landscaped to protect the Pro Shop and Cantina that lie just beyond them. Down the left there are flowerbeds and it is easy on a sunny day for Joe Golfer to stand there on that first tee, look about and say all is right with the world. While he is in that state of mind, the pond in front of the green doesn’t look that big and the sand traps left of the green and just beyond the water don’t seem to pose a serious problem. You can always, Joe thinks, give the shot a bit more oomph and clear everything. I should mention though, that if he clears everything, including the green, there is a river just a trifle beyond it waiting to drown his golf ball. So with a watery grave to the front, a watery grave to the rear and an out-of-bounds watering hole –the Cantina – to the right, all calculated to make your ball disappear, let’s call this hole The Bermuda Triangle.

The river hiding quietly behind the first hole snakes loudly down the entire right side of the second. This hole is a long par 3 - it plays 192 yards from the back tee box - and its principle horror is its narrowness. A very straight shot must be played to the green as any sort of fade will be greedily swallowed by the river and anything hooking or drawing left will vanish in the lush vegetation of a steep hillside that flanks the fairway there. With trees bordering the river right and the hillside left, there is a sort of tunnel feeling here. It is as if you had to hit a ball down a city street without breaking a window. Since having to hit a shot long and straight under pressure is one of Joe Golfer’s most frequent bad dreams, let’s dub this hole, The Nightmare on Elm Street.

The river of broken dreams and water logged golf balls flows across the third hole as well. Here it widens and streams in front of the green which lies some 119 yards from the furthest of the three tiered tee boxes. Bordering the fairway on the left are three Spanish styled condominums whose occupants are sure to smile and wave as they watch your ball splash down and be taken away by the river’s current. It is once again easy for Joe Golfer, already water weary, to lose his head and put a little something extra on his shot. In doing so he may avoid the river, but find his ball flying the green to the paved road beyond where it is likely to bounce and land in Valle Escondido’s horse stables. Lost heads and horses? We must be talking The Legend of Sleepy Hollow.

The fourth hole is a 260 yard par 4 with a nice wide fairway and a tempting look at a green that is slightly dog-legged left. The dog-leg puts it in line with a lake that borders the left fairway, but ends about eighty or so yards short of the green. From the lake to the green there is a sort of run-off brook that continues down the left side. Big hitters will be tempted to hit over the lake to the putting surface, but most Joe Golfers will try to hit straight down the fairway. The danger here is that at about 200 yards, a distance Joe can often reach either on the fly or with a roll, there is a small, evil creek that flows right to left directly across the fairway. There is an elevated cart path skirting that right side and next to it is, you guessed it, another small stream. Shots right or left will usually find water as will those carefully calculated lay-ups that roll too far. Joe Golfer’s best bet is to swing a club that he is confident will fly his ball to dry land. The Creature From The Black Lagoon seldom leaves the water.

The fifth hole turns back and runs parallel to the fourth. This puts the cart path and the small stream to the right. To the immediate left are condos under construction and beyond them steeply rising mountains. To the fore sits the hole, a par 3 some 165 yards from the back tee. Between the two lies mostly mud and bog. The green is a large one, but its back and left sides roll sharply down to the aforementioned stream. There is more muck and mire to the greens left, so another accurate shot is required. Should you fail to do so, say hello to your new found friend, the Swamp Thing.

Tip-toe by number 6 so as not to disturb the Psycho and you will find yourself at the 242 yard par 4 seventh hole. Here the fairway climbs gradually up a doglegged left slope to a sharply elevated green. The ubiquitous water on this hole is a stream that runs along most of the left side. Adjacent to the stream is dense and foreboding jungle. Balls hit left on this hole by Joe Golfer are just that… left. A ball hit to the right of the fairway will bounce along a road that parallels the course in search of trouble it will surely find. To aid in its search for golfer agony, the fairway here slopes to the road side. Second shots must reach the green or they will also find trouble. Front and right of the green there are steep and heavily roughed hillsides that include a couple of trees whose branches disrupt any kind of lofty, soft landing return shots. Back and left there is more jungle including some kind of cave or grotto where a light wind emanates and whispers to wayward balls to come and find their final resting place. For this reason let’s name hole seven, The Haunting.

The eighth hole is simply a fright. There are two elevated tee boxes here and from either the distant green seems much further away than its advertised 165 yards. The right side of the fairway is guarded by tall evergreens and a sneaky little rill that twists around and crosses in front of the green. Just beyond the rill and also in front of the “dance floor” is the same river that bedevils Joe Golfer on holes 1 thru 3. Here he can hit a straight, solid shot and still find ball stealing water! I must also mention that to the left of the fairway is a ball gobbling, densely shrubbed hillside. One of those places that Boris Karloff would softly lisp, “man should not tamper with.” Nevertheless, standing on the tee and looking over the vista that is this hole, it is easy to be struck by its beauty and not its bite. In fact, for a name, Beauty and the Beast seems about right.

The end of this Silver Screen journey is nearly in sight. Joe golfer has only to survive Hole Number 9. The last and longest par 4 at 272 yards this monster has given birth to some really horrible shots. Joe Golfer must tee off from a hobbit hole hidden in the woods and fly his ball across another evil lake that surely houses bad tidings and land safely short of the Devil’s own river which has once again wandered in his path. Left lies land Tarzan wouldn’t try, and right there are sand and palms and water and other places where golf balls go to die. If Joe’s ball does manage to land where it can be struck again, there is still a second shot that needs to seek a green surrounded by sand traps and not hooked into the “Oh no, not the river” that has snaked back to his left. This hole should be played with a Priest and crucifix. The water here is not, I repeat, not Holy, so let’s play it with The Exorcist.

After the curtain closes, Joe Golfer can retire to the splendid Cantina to medicate his wounds and replay The Little Shop of Horrors in his mind. There are toasts and kudos to Sam Taliaferro and company for their vision and design of the Quebrada Grande Golf Course and a final thought: That was very hard and very great fun. Can’t wait to go around again.

There’s no accounting for golfers.

Golfers are gluttons for punishment.