Vote For Me

After today I won't be blogging on quite such a regular basis. Since we the people are being discouraged from being funny, I've decided to run for President of the United States. I expect this will take up a lot of my time. I am going to make my run for that high office from here in Panama to avoid the temptations that other candidates are subjected to as they travel about the States. The last thing I need is some large corporation trying to sway my stance by offering me millions. I am, however, open to being bribed not to run. Make your best offer.

The following are some of the issues and my position on them:

It is clear that we the American people are some of the dumbest folk in the developed world. If I see one more graph showing we are ninth in math, sixth in science, eleventh in literacy, etc., I am going to puke all over the Oval Office. In my presidecy we will be among the best in everything, because we have the resources to be so. Education and the environment will be my two highest priorities. The largest parts of our national budget will be to fix these two problems.
First off, teachers will be paid salaries that will be large enough to draw the best and the brightest to the field. Better teachers mean better teaching and better results. My goal is for our national IQ to rise by the end of my presidency and continue rising with each successive generation after that. In other words, a reversal of the current trend that sees us dumbing down day after day. Yes, some students will be left behind, but only because they just don't have the mental capacity to attain our minimum educational standards. These people will receive training to lead productive lives in less demanding jobs. As I see it, one of the reasons we have become a second rate nation (apart from military power) is that we are unaware of just how stupid we are. Past Presidents have encouraged this blindness of reality as it is easier to manipulate a stupid populace than it is an educated one. My Department of Education will have a national newspaper on the order of USA Today that will provide educational tools and tips gleaned from successful programs around the world and will also alert our people to what is going on educationally in other countries and how we stack up. We Americans are a competitive bunch. I think we will make rapid gains in education as soon as we realize how stupid we are to begin with. The newspaper will be monitored by an oversight committee with members from all Parties to see that political opinion stays on the OP/Ed pages of regular newspapers where they belong. America we must wake up, read a book, get a clue!

Funding? Funding will be easy, but I'll get to that later.

The Environment must be preserved and protected. Any person, corporation, industry or who or whatever that does anything to damage the environment as a means of making money will be fined by whatever amount it takes to make them desist. There are countless ways to make money, you're a bright fella, do something else. Clean air, water and soil standards will be the highest in the world. To achieve them, my presidency will offer huge rewards for the development of clean energy and tax breaks extending into the far future for companies that implement the use of clean energies. That's right, reward and punishment. Show me another way to motivate the environmental abusers and I'll get right on it. We need to be an environmental model the rest of the world will aspire to.

We will continue to have a Defense Department. Obviously, if attacked, we will defend ourselves with all the will, determination and resources we can muster. Super Bowls are won with good defenses. Super Powers need them as well. What we won't have is a Department of Offense. No country will ever again fear an invasion by the U.S. without an offical Declaration of War by Congress and an approval of that Declaration by A NATIONAL VOTE OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. The people will decide if their kids should go to war. There is no question in my mind that after 9/11, America would have voted YES to Afghanistan and, had they not been repeatedly lied to, NO to Iraq. War is too hideous to be left in the hands of a few powerful people. An educated populace must decide for itself. An immediate withdrawal from Iraq will occur when I am elected. ALL our intelligence services say that our presence there is a detriment and is creating a jihad mentality (holy war) throughout the Muslim world. A poll of the Iraqui people indicates that a majority are in favor of the incursions against our troops. If they want us gone, we can't get out quick enough. As for the War on Terror, there is no such thing. Terror is an emotion not a country. If you want to go to war against an emotion, get a shrink. Terrorists are criminals not soldiers. They should be caught and brought to justice. My administration will deal harshly with terrorists while trying to eliminate the causes and conditions that lead to terrorist thinking. As much emphasis will be placed on the latter part of that sentence as the first. My administration will address the fears of the American people and try to alleviate them in any way we can and fear itself will never be used as a tool to achieve political ends.

Vote for me. More tomorrow or whenever I think of something good like making The Broncos our National Team.