Pill Poppin Papa

I just downed my morning doses of Vitamin E, Saw Palmetto, Hepasil, Aspirin and the latest addition, Nexium. I haven't the least confidence that any of these do anything at all including the Aspirin. So much for the placebo effect. The E I'm told is good for the skin and as that largest of all organs is the one most troublesome to me via basal cell carcinomas I take 400 I.U.'s a day. I don't know what I. U.'s are, insect umbilicals comes to mind, but I pop them anyway. Basal cell carcinoma, while I'm at it, sounds to me like a type of jail sentence. Saw Palmetto is an herb reputed to aid prostate health and is obtained by sawing down palmettos, I think. I buy mine from a store, so I can't be sure, but why else the name? Old guys take this because they pee too frequently and Saw is supposed to help with that. Personally I think we just have too much time on our hands and are always looking for anything that feels good to round out the day. Aaahhh is an often heard sound when old guys let er rip. Hepasil is a complete mystery to me. My wife put it next to the computer with the other pills and buys a new batch whenever we run out. Because I'm a curious guy, I read the label, well the big stuff on the front anyway, not all those tiny words on the back and sides, and the most striking thing there, in bold letters is this: B Complex. All my life I've tried to keep it simple and straightforward and now I have a pill to be complex. Is my wife trying to tell me something? It also says, though in somewhat smaller letters: con Silimarina y Lipotropicos. This is, of course, Spanish, but how hard is that to translate? My question is, what the hell is that doing in pill form? Silly marinas indeed. Maybe it's a dream inducer. I mean, tropic lips? c'mon. Then there is the Aspirin. Aspirin's claim to fame is that it is supposed to relieve headache pain. I don't get headaches very often, but when I do, I take something, Tylenol, Advil, Aspirin, Banana, it doesn't really matter, the headache goes away. I've also noticed that when I don't take anything the headache goes away, so I'm not sure what the point is or if what I take is really doing the job. Aspirin is also reputed to be helpful in preventing heart attacks and strokes by making your blood thinner. My thought here is, if we, well the scientific part of we anyway, can create a pill that makes our blood thinner, why can't we create a pill that makes our FAT thinner? Hey, I'm just asking. My aspirin is generic, but at the top of the bottle it says, "Compare to the active ingredient of Bayer Aspirin. Am I wrong, but isn't the active ingredient of Bayer Aspirin...Aspirin? Finally, there is Nexium, a new addition to my deskside drug tray. This puppy is supposed to prevent heartburn, a thing that SOUNDS really painful, heart BURN, and acid reflux, ACID? I'm refluxing ACID? Why did I flux it in the first place, for crying-out-loud, it's ACID! and other nasty little things like people saying, "I just threw up in my mouth a little." Hey, if a pill can keep people from saying that around me, I'm all for trying it. I should, however, point out that the active agent in Nexium is esomeprazol. The key syllable in that word is the one pronounced "pray."

Well, enough of this. I'm going to go consume something I'm certain is good for me like... Guiness Stout. The evidence is in and all those millions of Irish/Brit brats can't be wrong. Yeah, I hear ya, it's nine o,clock in the morning, but you know, I could double up on my Saw.